Unrequited(72)

Unlike Noah’s experience, there wasn't a long distance between Winter and me that would make the separation easier.

Into my prolonged silence, Noah spoke again. "If you want something bad enough, you can have it. You just need to want it more than anything. You need to want it more than you need to sleep, eat, shit, and breathe."

"She's worth it," I said. And then I knew it was true. It felt a weight lift off my chest, and the pain that had been eating me alive eased. Waiting for her was nothing. Lana was wrong that there was nothing I could do. I could show Winter she was first in my life. Even if Ivy's baby was mine—which I didn't believe it was—Winter would still be first. Just like she'd be first when we had our own kids. And I needed to start proving that to her.

And frankly, I needed to get off my ass and stop moping. The sooner I helped Ivy become a solid, sober person with an independent income, the sooner Winter wouldn't feel so responsible. I had a plan of action. Not just vague years of wondering when Winter and I would ever get together.

I didn't even have to tell Noah thanks. I looked at him, and he gave me the downward chin nod of acknowledgment. He knew.





26





WINTER


The past couple weeks had been hard. I’d been so tempted to go back to the apartment, and I worried about Ivy constantly. When I wasn't worried about Ivy, I kept thinking about Finn.

He’d somehow figured out where Tucker lived and would drive by morning and night. Last week, his pattern changed. He started leaving donuts and coffee on the front step.

"What's this all about?" Tucker asked.

"I told him I bribed you all at Atra during my first month by bringing you food and coffee." The truck at the end of the street didn't move as I stood on the front steps staring first at the food and then down the road. Finn sat there until I picked up his offering and went inside.

"I miss those days." Tucker grinned and swiped a donut. Then he sobered. "You think you should at least talk to him?"

"I can't." I sipped the coffee.

"Do you think he’s the father of Ivy’s baby?”

“No. He’s so adamant that he isn’t, and I just don’t believe he’d lie about something like that.”

“Then what is it?”

“I can’t hurt Ivy like that.”

“Bullshit.”

“What?” I asked offended.

“You heard me. I said that was bullshit. You’re using Ivy as an excuse. I think you’re scared.”

“Of what?” I put my hands on my hips.

“Of being happy,” Tucker replied, leaning back in his kitchen chair until only two wooden legs held him up. I barely resisted the urge to kick the chair out from under him.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means that you've been hurt so many times in your life by the people you love, who are supposed to love you back, that you don't trust in happiness anymore. It feels false to you. The closer people get, the more you want to shove them away. It was easy for you to stand by Ivy because she needed you. It feels good to be needed. But when the need goes away, what do you have left? Need and love aren't the same thing.

“When you love someone you have to be completely vulnerable to them. You have to give them the opportunity and even the means to knife you in the heart. Only you trust they won't. It was easy to love Finn when he was unavailable. So much harder when he returned that love. Having unrequited feelings are safe. It's when you share them that shit gets real. For that split second when you thought Finn was the father of Ivy’s baby, it hurt so bad you decided you didn’t want to be vulnerable anymore.”

“You don’t know anything,” I said, but even to my own ears the words were weak. I sat down in the chair opposite of his before I fell down.

He slammed the chair legs down and leaned forward. “If you had to do it all over again, would you wish you were never adopted?”

“No! Never,” I replied in real shock. “I love Mom and Dad. My life is so much better than what it could have been.”

“Right, so even though the pain of being left behind is fucking unbearable at times,” he thumped his chest, “and I miss my brother Will like a motherfucker, I still would want to live through it all again. Suffer the loss a thousand times for the honor of having him as my brother. Loss sucks. Hurt sucks. But it's worth it.”

I licked my lips nervously because I was at a complete loss for words. Was I really pushing Finn away and using Ivy as my shield? “I don’t believe that’s it.” I looked to Tucker for understanding, but this time there was none. Instead he speared me with a gaze full of pity and then demolished the rest of his donut.