"You ever been to therapy?" The jump in conversation topic made me blink but I just went with it.
"After Will died, my parents made me go."
"What’d you learn?"
"That grief is a process; everyone goes at a different pace; it's okay to move on; no feeling is wrong except if you want to kill yourself and in that case I should call the ER." I turned and looked at Lana. "I never felt like killing myself."
"And even that made you feel guilty."
Too surprised to be embarrassed by her insight, I said, "You get this, don't you?"
"Years of therapy myself, honey. Told you I was fucked up." Again her gaze strayed to the field. "Too fucked up for some, I guess. But enough about me. Why not just see where it takes you with Gray. Do you have to have answers?"
"No, I guess not. But he's leaving and I’m—I guess I'm afraid of losing something I value again."
“Because he’s going back to San Diego?" Lana asked.
I nodded.
"So you'll bury yourself for love but you won't move a few states to pursue it?"
“I—ah—” I gaped at her like a beached fish. Snapping my mouth shut, I bit my lip. "I don't know."
"I guess that's the question you'll have to answer when the time comes. The answer you have to provide for yourself now is whether you're willing to open yourself up to the possibility of loving again. You, of all people, know how short actual life can be. What do you want to fit in before life is over?"
Lana patted my hand and left me stunned on the metal bleacher. That's what Will had tried to do—cram in as much living as possible. It wasn't that he didn't love me, but that he wasn't letting his fears hold him back from trying everything. If there was anything I should do to honor his memory it would be to start actually living.
I didn’t share my discussion with Lana with Gray. We’d never talked about our future because our time had always been temporary. I just held her words of advice inside me and thought about it. Later that night, after he fell asleep, I let myself envision living in sunny San Diego and it didn’t feel wrong at all.
“Get up, sleepyhead.” A large hand I’d come to recognize as Gray’s—just by the feel—cupped my cheek. Without opening my eyes, I traced that hand up the forearm to the biceps and tugged. I gave a sleepy smile when his weight came down to settle over my body and I burrowed more deeply into the covers, satisfied that all was perfect in the world.
A nose nuzzled my hair, and Gray molded the blankets around my body. After the long hours of sometimes tender, sometimes fierce loving, I ached pleasantly all over. My nipples were a little sore from being sucked and bitten, but the sensation only reminded me of how amazing it’d felt to have been brought to an orgasm by just the sucking alone. Well, the sucking and the pressure of his hard thigh between my legs. The memory of that made me tingle even more. “Don’t want to. Snuggle up to me.”
I felt the curve of his lips against my neck as he smiled. “No, I have a surprise for you.”
“I have a surprise for you too,” I replied. “Under the covers.”
He let out of sound that was half moan, half laugh. “Keep that thought.”
Realizing he wasn’t going to allow me to continue to sleep, I flipped over on my back and peered up at him. He was already dressed in a form-fitting exercise shirt. Over the most impressive part of his body, he wore gym shorts. I pushed out my bottom lower lip in an extended pout. “I have a sad that you’re already dressed.”
“I’ve got plans.” He slapped the side of my butt, but the comforter buffeted the hit. I stretched my arms above my head. The action made my breasts lift and the covers drop, which drew Gray’s attention. I kicked the covers down a little lower, thinking to tempt him into removing his clothes.
This time the noise he made was clearly a moan. Reaching over, he lightly tongued one erect nipple and then the other but instead of reaching for his waistband, he pulled the sheet up over my breasts. “Can’t think very well with those beauties staring at me.”
“We don’t have to do any thinking today.” I patted the bed.
“You don’t.” He grinned. “But you’ll be sore for a little bit and I thought you might enjoy this activity I had planned.
“What could be better than last night?” I said unthinkingly.
Gray’s grin grew even wider. “Best ever, huh?”
“If you aren’t going to do anything, then no, it was terrible.” I pushed off the bed and flounced off to the bathroom.
Snickering, he called after me, “Oh, I’m totally rising to the challenge.”