‘You didn’t fail.’
He rubbed a hand over his eyes, taking a deep breath to loosen off the tension in his chest. ‘I’m a fixer, Cara, but I couldn’t fix that.’
‘There wasn’t anything you could have done.’
‘I could have paid her more attention.’
‘I’m sure she knew how much you loved her.’
And there was the rub. He did love Jemima. Too much to have room for anyone else in his heart.
‘Yes, I think she did. But that doesn’t change anything between you and me. I don’t want this, Cara,’ he said, waggling a finger between the two of them.
She stared at him in disbelief. ‘So that’s it? You’ve made up your mind and there’s nothing I can do to change it?’
‘Yes.’
Tipping up her chin, she looked him dead in the eye. ‘Do you still want me to work for you?’ she asked, her voice breaking with emotion.
Did he? His working life had been a lot less stressful since she’d been around, but what had just happened between them would make his personal life a lot more complicated. They were between a rock and a hard place. ‘Yes. But I’ll understand if it’s too uncomfortable for you to stay.’
‘So you’d let me just walk away?’
He sighed. ‘If that’s what you want.’
The look she gave him chilled him to the bone. ‘You know, I don’t believe for a second that Jemima would have wanted you to mourn her for the rest of your life. I think she’d have wanted you to be happy. You need to stop hiding behind her death and face the world again. Like you said you were going to yesterday. What happened to that, Max? Hmm? What happened to you? Jemima might not be alive any more, but you are and you need to stop punishing yourself for that and start living again.’
‘I’m not ready—’
‘You know, I love you, Max,’ she broke in loudly, her eyes shining with tears.
He took a sharp intake of breath as the words cut through him. No. He didn’t want to hear that from her right now. She was trying to emotionally manipulate him into doing something he didn’t want to do.
‘How can you love me?’ Anger made his voice shake. ‘We barely know each other.’
‘I know you, Max,’ she said calmly, her voice rich with emotion.
‘You might think you do because I’ve told you a few personal things about myself recently, but that doesn’t mean you get who I am and what I want.’
‘Do you know what you want? Because it seems to me you’re stopping yourself from being happy on purpose. You enjoyed being with me yesterday, Max, I know it.’
‘I did enjoy it, but not in the way you think. It was good to get out of the house and have some fun, but that’s all it was, Cara, fun.’
She shook her head, her body visibly shaking now. ‘I don’t believe you.’
‘Fine. Don’t believe me. Keep living in your perfect little imaginary world where everything is jolly and works out for the best, but don’t expect me to show up.’
She reacted as if his words had physically hurt her, jolting back and hugging her arms around herself. ‘How can you say that to me?’
Guilt wrapped around him and squeezed hard. She was right; it was a low blow after what he’d already put her through, but he was being cruel to be kind. Sinking onto the edge of the bed, he held up a pacifying hand. ‘You see, I’m messed up, Cara. It’s too soon for me. I’m not ready for another serious relationship. Maybe I’ll never be ready. And it’s not fair to ask you to wait for me.’
Her shoulders stiffened, as if she was fighting to keep them from slumping. ‘Okay. If that’s the way you feel,’ she clipped out.
‘It is, Cara. I’m sorry.’
The look she gave him was one of such disappointed disdain he recoiled a little.
‘Well, then, I guess it’s time for me to leave.’ She shuffled to the edge of the bed. ‘I’m not going to stick around here and let you treat me like I mean nothing to you. I’m worth more than that, Max, and if you can’t appreciate that, then that’s your loss.’ With the sheet still wrapped firmly around her, she stood up and faced him, her eyes dark with anger. ‘You can give me a lift to the nearest train station and I’ll make my own way back to London.’ Turning away from him, she walked over to where her overnight bag sat on the floor.
‘Cara, don’t be ridiculous—’ he started to say, his tone sounding so insincere he cringed inwardly.
Swivelling on the spot, she pointed a shaking finger at him. ‘Don’t you dare say I’m the one being ridiculous. I’m catching the train. Please go and get changed in your own room. I’ll meet you by the car in fifteen minutes.’