Idiot.
It had well and truly backfired on him.
This was precisely why he’d stopped himself from becoming friends with her at the beginning. He’d known it would guide them down a dangerous path.
His concerns hadn’t stopped him from knocking on her door after she’d run away from him last night, though. Even after it had taken everything he’d had not to respond to that first kiss. But she’d looked so hurt, so devastatingly bereft that he’d found himself chasing after her to try and put it right. And, judging by her reaction when he’d been unable to hold back a second time and stop himself from kissing her, she’d been just as desperate as him for it to happen. In fact, the small, encouraging noises that had driven him wild made him think she’d wanted it for a while.
And, as his penance, he was now going to have to explain to her why it could never happen again.
Drawing away from her as gently as he could so as not to wake her, he swung his legs out of bed and sat on the edge, putting his head in his hands, trying to figure out what to do next. He wasn’t going to just leave her here in the middle of rural Leicestershire with no transport, but the thought of having to sit through the whole car journey home with her after explaining why last night had been a mistake filled him with dread.
He jumped as a slender arm snaked round his middle and Cara kissed down the length of his spine, before pulling herself up to sit behind him with her legs on either side of his body, her breasts pressing into his back.
‘Good morning,’ she said, her voice guttural with sleep.
Fighting to keep his body from responding to her, he put his hand on the arm that was wrapped around his middle and gently prised it away.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked, her tone sounding worried now.
‘Fine.’ He stood up and grabbed his trousers, pulling them on roughly before turning back to her.
She’d tugged the sheet around her and was looking up at him with such an expression of concern he nearly reached for her.
Steeling himself against the impulse, he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at her with as much cool determination as he could muster.
‘This was wrong, Cara. Us, doing this.’
‘What?’ Her eyes widened in confused surprise.
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let it happen. I got caught up in the moment, which was selfish of me.’
Her expression changed in an instant to one of panic. ‘No.’ She held out her hands beseechingly. ‘Please don’t be sorry about it. I wanted it to happen, too.’
He swallowed hard, tearing his eyes away from her worried gaze. ‘I can’t give you what you want long-term, Cara.’
Pulling the sheet tighter around her body, she frowned at him. ‘You don’t know what I want.’
He smiled sadly. ‘Yes, I do. You want this to turn into something serious, but I don’t. I’m happy with my life the way it is.’
‘You’re happy?’ She looked incredulous.
He rubbed his hand over his face in irritation. ‘Yes, Cara, I’m happy,’ he said, but he felt the lie land heavily in his gut.
‘But what we had last night—and all day yesterday—I didn’t imagine it.’ She shook her head as if trying to throw off any niggling doubts. ‘It was so good. It felt right between us, Max. Surely you felt that, too.’
He looked at her steadily, already hating himself for what he was about to say. ‘No. Sorry.’ He scrubbed a hand through his hair. ‘Look, I was feeling lonely and you happened to be there. I feel awful about it and I won’t blame you for being angry.’
She didn’t believe him; he could see it in her eyes.
‘I understand why you’re panicking,’ she said, holding out her hands in a pleading gesture, ‘because we’ve just changed the nature of our relationship and it’s a scary thing, taking things a step further, especially after what happened to Jemima...’
‘See, that’s the thing, Cara. I’ve been through that once and I’m not prepared to put myself through something like that again.’
‘But it was so random—’
‘The type of illness isn’t the point here. It’s the idea of pouring all your love into one person, only to lose them in the blink of an eye. I can go through that again.’
‘But you can’t cut yourself off from the world, Max. It’ll drive you insane.’
He took a pace forward and folded his arms across his chest. ‘You want to know what really drives me insane—that my wife was lying there in hospital with the life draining out of her and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. Not one damn thing. I promised her I’d look after her through thick and thin. I failed, Cara.’ His throat felt tight with emotion he didn’t want to feel any more.