Charis: I am real. Hypothetically.
Charis
SO IT HAPPENED. THE WORST possible scenario happened. Mel had guessed everything. Sort of. Leaving me bludgeoned on the head with her truths.
I wandered out and gazed around frantically. I kinda needed to see Asher's face right now.
Damn. Still not back.
I could barge into that room and wade through the nude harem to get to him. Theoretically.
He's mine, bitches! Give him up!
Yeah, no.
Operating on the universal principle of food-fixes-all, I made a beeline for the snack table and was cramming my face full of kimchi and bulgogi (Shona's half Korean and loves me, too) when all at once I became aware of the sudden silence.
I looked up to find Aura and Elianna engaged-as in, getting into it-in the middle of Winnow's living room.
Someone had turned down the music and people were taking seats to watch, like this was a football game. Karl had already sprawled out on one of the poofy chairs with his hands hooked behind his head. He waved to me. I waved back, pretty much frozen in place. I'd never actually observed a catfight. Neither contestant had come to physical blows yet, but …
"I definitely heard he's a runner," Elianna was saying aggressively.
"Actually, no," Aura snarled.
(This is not hyperbole, I swear. We're talking venom injected into perfectly innocuous words. Truly fascinating.)
"I'm sure I remember seeing his times. Doesn't he hold a record for the 3200 meter?"
"Asher's into squash and soccer. He never ran track in all the years we dated."
"Oh, that's right, you went together. You broke up why again?"
So that was when Aura asked sharply how long it had been since Elianna's divorce, and Elianna asked what made her think she was divorced, and Aura said, "Oh, you just have the look."
And that was just the warm-up, okay?
Next up:
I just love your hair. I can't see any gray at all. What do you use?
Yours looks almost natural, too. Oh, my mistake, it's the same color as all your facial hair …
Then came the age shots, bang, bang, bang.
Followed by:
I wish I could eat gobs and gobs of fat like that, but I care about my body.
You know, I would never have guessed that.
I was awed. These people were masters. I mean, I could not look away-truth, my eyes would have snapped out of their sockets. Especially when it got physical. What began with so-called-friendly hip bumping soon led to one of them yelping, "Hey, ouch," and then it was all over and things got real.
"Whoa, mama." I glanced around to find Joel had joined me, shaking his head. "This takes me right back to high school. Those were the days. Oomph." His wince was comical.
I turned back my attention just in time to see Elianna's head jerk to the side and Aura's hand in the downswing.
"She didn't," I gasped.
"Oh, yes, she did," Joel smirked.
By now Karl had heaved to his feet and was drawing Aura away. Looking astonishingly cool-does that guy ever get riled?-he murmured to her and motioned to Winnow, who then sprang forward to claim Elianna, even as Aura shouted: "Why should I care what a ho that can't get a man says to me?"
"Oh, fuck," I breathed, as Joel said, "Isn't that a contradiction in terms?"
A thought occurred to me. "Did you know female gladiators fought topless for Emperor Domitian? Dude was a real ass. It was all by torchlight, too. I think he got off on it."
"No kidding," Joel said, laughing.
Elianna broke away from Winnow. "At least I know how to stand upright without hanging onto a man's arm!"
And then they were grappling again with Karl trying to swing Aura away and Elianna chasing her.
And seriously, these two weren't playing. They kept coming at each other, and I'm pretty sure I saw some clumps of hair go flying. Elianna actually got in a punch or two, while Aura kicked out with her free leg and knocked Elianna down, screaming, "Try standing upright now, bitch."
I think the whole thing only lasted a couple of minutes, but by the time they were effectively separated, they looked like … well, like the female gladiators I'd just referenced.
"You two, come on, take it easy," Nate was saying. By now they'd backed off and were restoring their clothing, but they still hadn't stopped mouthing off.
I have to admit, the whole scene left me kinda shell-shocked. Maybe that's why it took me a moment to register it when my name came up.
Elianna had just thrown out, "These days men are optional, missie."
Aura's reply: "Oh, yeah? Then maybe you want to join the other cat ladies, like Charis over there."
Elianna responded to that, but I didn't hear it.
Because-what?
Me? Cat lady?
" … don't talk to me about respect, go talk to Charis, she has no career, no life, and no man … "
Wait, again, me?
No career? No life?
Winnow called, "Stop talking smack about Charis, Aura."
"Charis has a career," Mel piped up. "Don't you?"
My mouth flapped open. I really hadn't expected to be drawn into this fight. "Uh, well, yeah … "
"And not everyone needs a man, you know," someone else said, I don't even know who it was. "Some people just like to go it alone in life. That doesn't make them a cat lady."
"Yo, Charis works in a science lab, hey?" That was Doug.
"Charis isn't a scientist, bird-brain, she's a historian," Mel said.
"I thought she studied twelfth century Persian literature," said Janet, a neighbor I believe.
"Now, now, you kids." This was Erica. "Charis will do whatever she wants. Won't you, dear?"
I blinked at her and nodded.
"Are you really a cat lady?" I looked down. A munchkin had escaped confinement and was now gazing up at me. "How do you get the smell out of your clothes?"
Oh, for crap's sake.
I shouted, "I am not a cat lady!"
Which made me the focus of the entire room. I groaned.
Then Elianna and Aura started to lunge at each other again, reclaiming everyone's attention.
Karl had settled his fiancée in his lap, but Aura still had use of her legs. As for the three guys holding onto Elianna-um, well, I'm not sure they were there to restrain her. She definitely had no trouble getting to Aura.
But at that point I stopped attending, because I'd just spotted Asher across the room.
He'd walked in silently sometime during the fracas. He was shirtless, carrying his shirt bunched up in his hands. His jeans clung to his hips and thighs. One lock of black hair curled on his forehead, giving him this superhero mojo. Did I mention how tall he seemed? Or that his chest-
Sorry, sorry. It's easy to get distracted when Asher walks into a room. The point is, he was there. I raised my hand. He didn't see me. He was too busy witnessing his ex-girlfriend tussling with his blind date and shaking his head in exasperation.
"People!" Winnow yelled. "Is everyone here? Get Asher-someone get Asher-oh, there you are. Where's everyone else? We're about to sing Happy Birthday. Hunt, where are you? Girls, calm down! Will somebody please-thank you, Karl, finally," as Karl picked up Aura and strolled with her out of the room.
Actually, out of the house.
Which was kind of a relief. I mean, I felt like I'd experienced enough shocks for the day.
Winnow drew Hunt to the table. "We're gonna do this a little differently since it's a gift-free party. Hunt, you get to make a wish and say it aloud."
"But that curses it!"
"No, it doesn't, because we're gonna give it to him. So think hard, buddy boy. It has to be something we can do here and now."
Mel yelled, "Wait, wait!" She ran up to Hunt, went on tiptoe, and whispered in his ear.
Hunt nodded, straightened and looked around the room. He saw me and I could swear his eyes were twinkling.
"Well?" Winnow demanded.
"Easy one," Hunt said. "I wish for a kiss from all the single ladies here." Amidst the laughter and the ribbing, he blew out his candles. Then I lost sight of him behind all the converging women-and I'm pret-ty sure not all of them were single.
But now my eyes were on Asher. Surprise, surprise, a couple of the barracuda-er, women-had latched onto him. Naturally. Asher+Asher's abs=irresistible.
Over their heads, his eyes found mine. Sadly, his attitude hadn't undergone any improvement. He crossed his arms over his chest and regarded me accusingly.
I wanted to do the same to him, but it's hard to be righteous when, well, you're the bad guy.
I felt something wet and gross brush my legs.
Wonderful. I'd just spilled spicy fermented cabbage all down my shins.
I bent down to blot my legs and dress, using a towel Joel was nice enough to hand me, only to find Hunt there when I straightened. He was grinning, holding a slice of cake and a napkin out to me.