CHAPTER 14
Two years Ago-A Slip of the Hand
Charis: Do you think you could ever date a woman taller than you?
Asher: So that would be … six foot four or more.
Charis: I guess. Yeah.
Asher: Kay, if she were seven feet tall, that would bring her chest about here … and that means she could kneel … ayup, that's a yes.
Charis: You goof, I thought you were drinking plain cola. You're totally wasted, Ash. Hey, what are you doing?
Asher: Sorry. Thought you were somebody else for a second.
Charis: You mean Aura, don't you? Like you could ever mistake us! Look, you're not driving, are you, because you're not only drunk, I think you're having hallucinations.
Asher: I'm not drunk. I just pulled three all-nighters. This soda's supposed to have triple the caffeine. I don't think it's working.
Charis: Whatever, you're falling down. Why don't you crash here?
Asher: Bad idea, Sloane. You don't want me on your couch. I might …
Charis: What? You're mumbling, I can't hear you. You'll … what?
Asher: Walk. I said I'll walk. Home. I'll walk home …
Asher
WHENEVER I WASN'T WORKING over the next few days, I was chasing down Charis.
From her monosyllabic replies to my texts, emails, invites, and calls-listen, a desperate man can't pick and choose his mode of communication-I got the strong impression it wasn't exam week keeping her away. By Day Four, I had no choice but to admit I'd screwed up.
I didn't figure it out on my own. I couldn't ask any of my tribe for advice, including Joel, who I consider a powerful Pussy Whisperer. They all knew Charis on her own terms and she might not appreciate having her business discussed.
So I went online and posted anonymously in a well-trafficked forum.
Good stuff there. Turns out my innocent words could possibly be interpreted as demanding complete and total perfection from a woman.
False. All women had issues. Charis was allowed to have issues.
Fuck, I had issues-it seemed like more each day. I was miserable. I was trying to give Karl a stroke on the squash court and eating a half pound of bulk chocolate at a sitting. I really feel that only chocolate and The Brady Bunch were keeping me alive.
So she could have all the issues she wanted.
If she'd only talk to me about them …
One issue I already knew about: our age discrepancy. Solution: Show her I was all grown up. I looked forward to that.
Issue Number 2: Her lack of sexual confidence. The more I thought about it, the surer I was that Sloane was not as sexually experienced as most women her age. She seemed virtually unaware of her power. Big tell: None of the times I'd kissed her had I ever caught her looking south to see if I was hard.
Plus, when I'd held her close, she'd seemed upset at her body's response, shy even. From that I could deduce that the famous boyfriend I'd heard tell of from her undergraduate years was at best a lameass, at worst a crime against womanhood.
All of that, solvable.
Oh, and by the way. Time spent pondering how to get Charis to open her body to me? Shitloads.
Time spent moping about Aura?
Zero.
In a flash of inspiration, I decided to inform her of this salient fact. I grabbed for my phone and tapped out a text.
Asher: Just in case you were wondering how depressed I am about Aura … that would be none. I'm none depressed.
To my delight, I got more than the usual yes/no response.
Charis: Maybe you're too numb to realize the truth.
Asher: I'm not numb. I'm the happiest I've been in years. Except for missing you.
Charis: You're too numb to know you're numb.
Asher: I call bull.
Charis: Numbness by definition means insensitivity. You obviously cannot be sensitive to your insensitivity.
Asher: Don't mess with me, woman.
Charis: Okay, you got me. Freud used basically that same argument BTW. He had this theory that every dream was secretly about wish fulfillment. This chick came to him with a dream that totally wasn't and said "interpret this up your ass" and Freud said "dude, ha, your wish was to prove me wrong."
Asher: Is this how you teach your classes? I have to sit in on one.
Charis: You are not invited to sit in on one of my classes.
Asher: Is that because you're afraid those tits of yours will start poking out if I'm there?
I got no response. Total electronic silence. Well, that's okay. I'd crossed a line. I'd pulled out the T word with her. I was prepared for fallout.
It gave me an idea, though. Forget seeing her in person for now. I'd make my case by phone.
At lunchtime Sunday, I sent her another text.
Asher: Guess what? Didn't think about Aura once all weekend. Well not until now.
Charis: I'm busy.
Asher: I'll wait.
Asher: Waiting.
Asher: Still waiting.
Charis: What do you want, Norrell?
Asher: Not Aura, that's for sure. Snort.
Charis: Glad to hear it.
Asher: So you trust me now when I say I'm over her?
Charis: I didn't say that.
Asher: Hey, ask me that question again, Sloane. The one you just asked.
Charis: What do you want?
Asher: Yeah, that one.
Charis: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Asher: Since you ask, baby, I want to see you without a stitch of clothing on.
Asher: You there?
Charis: You have to stop this.
Asher: Stop what?
Charis: Saying suggestive things. You called me baby.
Asher: That's not all I said.
Asher: Come on, I know you're there.
Charis: Asher, I have three words for you.
Asher: Hit me.
Charis: Four. Years. Older.
Asher: Wow, you're right. When I'm your age, I'll be four years older. Very cool. I can't wait to catch up.
Asher: In the meantime, I'll just kiss you.
Asher: And take off all your clothes.
Asher: And look at every inch of you.
Charis: And what happened to a 100% platonic friendship? Huh?
Asher: Platonic is so yesterday.
Charis: So you want to change things up because, what, you're bored?
Asher: Shit no. I want you. You. And fuck if it isn't mutual.
I fisted my hands in frustration. There was no way to tell her by text how much more than "want" it was.
I rang her number.
She wouldn't pick up.
Back to the texting board, then.
I let the silence continue until dinner time. I held off my next text until I'd drunk my coffee. Then I stretched out in bed with my phone. Yeah, I was nude. Yeah, the thought of talking to Sloane while I was nude was a huge erection builder.
Asher: Let's do this on video.
I was 99.9 percent sure she wouldn't be able to resist answering.
Yup. She replied within the minute.
Charis: Do what on video?
Asher: Talk
Charis: Let's not!!!
Asher: Why? Are you naked right now?
Charis: Sigh. Are you still drunk?
Asher: No. I haven't been drunk since last week with you. Why did you assume that? You know I'm not a heavy drinker.
Charis: Well the things you've been saying have been pretty out there.
Asher: You think I need to be drunk to imagine what your tits look like?
Charis: I can't believe you actually used that word with me again.
It was the closest acknowledgement she'd given me to one of my dirty texts.
I grinned.
Gotcha. Flirtation game, round 1, begin.
I almost pitied her. I'd never really flirted with her. She had no idea what I could do. She was so going to lose.
Asher: Just for you, I'll call them titties.
Charis: You are being utterly ridiculous.
Asher: Did you really mean to write udderly there?
Charis: Gag
Asher: Okay, that was childish I admit. I will now act my age. So Char, do you ever wonder how big my cock is?
Charis: Asher!!!!!!!!!
Asher: Nope. Bigger!
Charis: I can't believe I'm even replying to you now.
Asher: Why of course I'll elaborate. You know those charming phallic-shaped battery-operated toys women get off on?
Asher: Hello? Hello? Am I talking to myself?
Charis: All right. I'm here. What. Now.
Asher: As I was saying. Let's discuss dildos for a minute. They're shaped like a dick, right?
Charis: We can assume so for the sake of argument. And?
Asher: The super jumbo ones are mere peanuts to my cock.
Charis: Peanuts to your penis in fact.
Asher: True dat.
Charis: I see.
Asher: Do you? I'm not so sure.
Charis: What am I missing exactly?
Asher: Just that my penis be much, much, much, much larger. Much more powerful. Much more pleasurable.
Asher: Hello …
Asher: Rightyo, to make sure you were paying attention, Sloane, how many muches was that, total?
Asher: Young lady?
Charis: I can't think of a single thing to say here. I'm a complete blank.
Charis: Wait. Who are you and what have you done with my friend Mel's kid brother?
Asher: Ah. You're understandably awed by what you've learned.
Charis: I guess I am.
Asher: So I told you about myself. Please proceed with your turn.
Charis: My turn?
Asher: Pussy description.
Charis: Right. This ends here.
Asher: Fuck, Char. You won't take pity on me? I saw you in your night shirt. I saw your pretty red panties.
Charis: TMI. That is so embarrassing.
Asher: Not your fault. I was the filthy slime that lifted your leg.