Unforgiven(68)

The room is quiet while everyone processes what I’ve said. Landon shifts in his chair and my mom wipes tears from under her eyes. She weeps quietly, listening to me speak. My intentions were not to cause pain, but to move forward from pain. My mom clears her throat and speaks up before David offers her a chance to talk. I can see he’s happy with her level of engagement.
“I know what I did was wrong, and I pray every single night that you and Landon,” she turns her head to look at him. His eyes are fixed on her and he’s fully paying attention to what she’s saying, “will forgive me. The one regret in life I will always have is that I didn’t take you with me, but at the time, I thought I was protecting you, when I should have known better. For the rest of my life, I won’t know the damage that leaving you behind did, but I see glimpses of it every day and it kills me.” Her lip quivers and her chin trembles. I can’t contain my tears, and I’ve stopped trying to. I want to feel. I want to hurt, and I want to move on.
“Landon, the abuse you endured at the hands of your father was my fault. I was your mother. I should have protected you, but instead, I left you to care for your sister, and fend off abuse from your father.” Landon works his jaw muscles while my mom addresses him. “Lindsay forgave me a long time ago, but I worry that I’ll die without you forgiving me. Part of me is okay with that, because maybe I don’t deserve forgiveness, but you deserve to know how very sorry I am,” she sobs.
Landon clears his throat and bobs his knee up and down. “I don’t speak a lot about my feelings.” He shrugs. “I guess I’ve learned over the years how to bottle them and keep them in. I had other ways of releasing my anger,” he shifts his eyes to mine quickly, then back to David, “that were less destructive than Lindsay’s.”
“I’d like to explore that,” David says. Landon lets out a burst of laughter.
“Not with my sister and mom in the room.” He chuckles, bringing the mood down just a bit. I know what he’s referencing—his non-committal sex over the years—but our mom is unaware of that. “Anyway, I wouldn’t be here in this room, sitting next to you, Mom, if I hadn’t forgiven you. I may not have told you those exact words, but letting you back into my life was my way of forgiving and forging a new relationship with you.” Mom dabs her tears with a tissue and nods at Landon.
“And Lindsay,” he says quietly, his voice cracking with emotion. “There is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world that you could do that is unforgivable. When we had no one, it was you and me. And yes, there were times you had no idea you were helping me, but you were. Without you, I wouldn’t be here. I’d be dead. I need you happy, but most importantly, I need you healthy,” he says quietly.
David spends a few minutes talking about communication and healing before releasing us. We walk quietly through the hall and I show them my room, the lounge, the facilities, and we catch up on everything happening back in Wilmington.
Time flies and before I know it, visiting hours are over. I feel guilty that they drove all this way and now they still have a two-hour drive back home. We say our goodbyes and I retreat back to my room, exhausted. As I close my eyes, I whisper a prayer and fall into an easy slumber.




 
 
My time at rehab is winding down with only one day left. I’m armed with books and journals and a list of things I have to do to right my wrongs, to move forward and help me heal. This is my biggest fear, facing the people I’ve hurt with my behaviors and asking forgiveness. I said goodbye to Samantha a week ago when she was released. She finally opened up to me a bit and, as a parting gift, left me thirty-seven romance novels that I promised her I’d read and pass along. I’ve made my way through two of them and, surprisingly, have found a new love and escape in reading. I’ve added the other thirty-five books to my to-read list to have completed by the end of the year, along with a whole host of other things I plan to do for myself.
My therapist and physicians have cleared me for discharge, happy with the progress I’ve made over the last thirty days. Tonight, I begin the task of packing my belongings, as Landon is picking me up in the morning. I have one last individual therapy session in the morning and then I’m free to leave. I’ve agreed to continue therapy back in Wilmington and I know this will help me transition back to regular life. I laugh when I think of regular life. What is regular life for me? That has yet to be seen, but I’m excited to find out. As I crawl into bed tonight, I have a content heart and a peaceful mind, but I’m definitely ready to go home.