Unforgiven(64)
“I weaned myself off those, though, but there was still something inside of me—something that felt empty. I don’t know what it was—I’m still not sure,” I admit. “But when Jack offered me that job in Phoenix, something clicked. Something came alive inside of me, a hunger that I used to feel, and I knew I needed to go for it. All the while, another piece of me, the piece that needed Matt, died. I realized very quickly, when I got to Phoenix, that it was Matt that was important to me, not the job.”
“Oh, Lindsay.” My mom squeezes my hand.
“I still had some Oxy left from the accident and I just started taking it to numb myself. Numb myself for hurting Matt. Numb myself from the pressures of the job in Phoenix. Numb the voices that were always telling me I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. Then, when those pills were gone, I turned to an illegal street dealer to get more.” Embarrassment washes over me at the admission I’d become one of those people who is so desperate for a high, I’d turned to the streets to get my fix.
Reagan wipes tears from her eyes and Landon sits, his jaw muscles flexing. “There was nothing any of you could have done,” I say. I know Landon is placing blame on himself. He always has. He was always my protector, but this time, it’s up to me to save myself. “So I used the pills and stopped eating. My demons from college paid me another visit and, instead of shutting the door on them, I invited them in.”
We all sit quietly, no one saying anything. “So tomorrow, I’m checking myself into rehab and finally getting the help I should have gotten a long time ago,” I say quietly. “I need to get my life back, at least as much of it as I can.”
I wake up with a raging headache, a combination of not having Oxy for the last four days and crying so much. The pressure in my head is killing me and my hands shake violently as I try to splash water on my face. I open the medicine cabinet to look for aspirin and it’s been cleaned out. I pull my hair into a ponytail and walk to the kitchen. Reagan stands at the large island with a mug of coffee, staring out onto the back patio.
“Got any more coffee?” I ask, startling her. “Sorry.” I laugh quietly.
“Yeah, let me get you a mug. Still take it with light cream?”
“I do.”
“You’re up early,” she says while pulling down a large mug from the cupboard. I watch her steady hand as she fills the mug with steaming coffee from the coffee pot. She sets the creamer and a spoon in front of me along with the mug.
“I couldn’t sleep. Bad headache and nerves, I guess. Speaking of headaches, do you have any aspirin?” I blow the steam from the top of the mug and press the mug to my lips.
“I do, but I called the rehab yesterday for any instructions and they don’t want you to have anything. Not even aspirin.” I nod my head and pray that the coffee helps with the pounding going on inside my head. Reagan keeps looking behind me, out onto the patio, and I finally turn around to see what she’s looking at. Landon and Matt sit outside at a patio table, drinking coffee.
“I thought he was leaving this morning?” I say, turning back to Reagan.
“He is. We didn’t expect him to come by, but he said he needed to talk to Landon about something.”
“What do you think it’s about?” I ask curiously. They both sit outside, leaning forward, deep in conversation, serious expressions on their faces.
Reagan shrugs. “I think it’s work related.” I stand momentarily watching them talk to each other with concerned looks on their faces.
“I’m going to take this to my room and make sure I have everything packed,” I tell her, raising the mug of coffee. After last night and already having a shaky morning, I’m not in the right state of mind to talk to Matt. “I’ll be ready in about thirty minutes.” I walk through the large open living room, careful not to spill the mug of coffee. Back in my room, I open the wood shutters and sit on the chaise lounge, looking out into the open backyard. I take a couple of minutes to enjoy the coffee and close my eyes, willing the headache to go away before I start packing. I grab clean clothes and head into the bathroom for a quick shower.
I wash myself quickly and get changed into a pair of faded, torn-up jeans and a t-shirt that used to be tight on me, which now hangs off my shoulders. I tuck my wavy hair under an old Atlanta Braves baseball hat that used to be Matt’s, and put on some silver hoop earrings. “You can do this, Lindsay,” I whisper to myself.
I shove the last stack of clothes into my suitcase and zip it up. I take a look around the room and close the door behind me. I pull the suitcase down the hall and leave it next to the front door. It’s almost seven and we have a two-hour drive, so I go in search of Reagan, who has offered to drive me. I’m glad it’s her and not Landon. I’m not sure I could say goodbye to him. I see her on the patio with Landon and Matt. I hesitate before opening the door to the patio and sticking my head out.