“I have a couple of minutes. Someone is coming over and…”
“I won’t take long. I promise,” she cuts me off.
“Okay, let’s go out on the back patio.”
“Can I set this on the counter?” she asks, pulling her purse from her shoulder. I actually almost laugh at the question. She used to live here. This was her house, her space. Now she’s asking permission to set her purse on my counter.
“Yeah.” I pull the sliding glass door open and step onto the large patio. This was one of our favorite spots. We’d sit in the plush patio furniture for hours and talk and look for shooting stars. She told me the first time she ever saw a shooting star was with me. I’ll never forget that night; the smile on her face when she saw that flash of light shoot across the sky.
I sit down in the chair I always used to sit in, and she takes her spot across from me. She bobs her knees nervously and folds her hands in her lap. I glance inside, waiting for Melissa to come, then back to Lindsay. She looks terrified and jittery, but I won’t rush her. She raises her chin confidently and takes a deep breath before she begins.
“Jess told me you came to Phoenix, but you left. Why did you come to Phoenix?”
“I thought you had something to tell me, Lindsay, not question me about my trip to Phoenix.” I realize quickly what an asshole I sound like, but I can’t talk about Phoenix right now.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” She immediately backs down. Her eyes fall to her folded hands and I suddenly realize she isn’t the Lindsay I ever knew. The old Lindsay would have told me to fuck off and answer her question.
“I did come to Phoenix and I did leave. It was just more than I could take,” I admit, sounding like a coward. “I’m not going to lie. It’s really hard seeing you like this, right now.” I gesture to her sitting in front of me. I take a quick drink of the beer I have in my hand, realizing that I look like a giant dick sitting here drinking a beer when Lindsay’s battling her own addiction demons. I reach over the edge of the patio and dump the beer onto the grass below.
“Matt, I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry for what, Linds? Leaving? Pills? Starving yourself?” My voice becomes louder. “Fucking someone else?” Her eyes find mine, filling with tears. She doesn’t say anything; she listens to me lash out and she takes it. I hate seeing her like this. I hate that she won’t deny what I’ve just thrown at her.
“I’m sorry for all of it,” she whispers. “I know nothing I say will change anything that I’ve done, but before I leave tomorrow, I needed to apologize to you.”
“Feel better?” I snap at her and toss the beer bottle across the backyard.
She shakes her head. “No, I don’t. I didn’t come here to make you angry, and I can see I’ve upset you, so I’ll leave.” She stands up quickly, her legs wobbling under her.
“It’s not anger, Lindsay. It’s fear. I’m so fucking scared I’m going to lose you—and not just lose you to someone else, but really lose you… problem is, I already have.”
The air hangs heavy between us. Her face looks tired. Her normally bright eyes are dull, and dark circles have made their home beneath them. “Seeing you like this scares the shit out of me.” My voice becomes softer. “How much do you weigh?”
“Don’t you know it’s not polite to ask a girl how much she weighs?” She smirks, trying to lighten the mood, a glimpse of the old Lindsay.
“Now is not the time for jokes, Lindsay. How much do you weigh? Don’t tell me you don’t know.” She stands quietly, contemplating. She has no reason to tell me anything; she came here to apologize and she has.
“Last time I checked, I was ninety-six pounds.”
I nod and feel my lips curl in anger. “And the pills?”
“What about them?”
“What were they and where’d you get them?” I know the first answer, but I want to know where she was getting them.
“Oxy. I’ve been using them since the accident a couple of years ago. I was off them completely until I moved to Phoenix.”
“Why’d you start using them again?” My jaw muscles flex and I can hear my teeth grinding against each other.
“They were an easy fix to help numb everything that I was feeling. I felt so guilty for leaving you.” Her voice cracks. “The guilt, my sucky job, the pressure to be successful and skinny and beautiful… I like how they helped me feel numb—I felt nothing when I used them.”#p#分页标题#e#
“Where were you getting them?”