She paused to pluck at the grass, to feel its softness between her fingers. “Oh, I wanted you. Even when I was angry, even when I still hurt, I wanted you. Maybe that was part of the problem. I couldn’t think clearly around you. I guess I never have been able to. Things got out of control so quickly. I realized, when you talked about marriage, that it wasn’t enough just to want. Just to take.”
“You weren’t just taking.”
“I hope not. I didn’t want to hurt you. I never did. Maybe, in some ways, I tried too hard not to. I knew you would be upset that I was going to Cordina to perform.”
He was calm again. After the roller-coaster ride she’d taken his emotions on, his anger had burned itself out. “I wouldn’t ask you to give up your music, Van. Or your career.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” She rose to walk out of the shade into the sun and he followed her. “But I was afraid I would give up everything, anything, to please you. And if I did, I wouldn’t be. I wouldn’t be, Brady.”
“I love what you are, Van.” His hands closed lightly over her shoulder. “The rest is just details.”
“No.” She turned back. Her eyes were passionate, and her grip was tight. “It wasn’t until I was away again that I began to see what I was pulling away from, what I was moving toward. All my life I did what I was told. Decisions were made for me. The choice was always out of my hands. This time I decided. I chose to go to Cordina. I chose to perform. And when I stood in the wings, I waited for the fear to come. I waited for my stomach to clutch and the sweat to break out, and the dizziness. But it didn’t come.” There were tears in her eyes again, glinting in the sunlight. “It felt wonderful. I felt wonderful. I wanted to step out on the stage, into those lights. I wanted to play and have thousands of people listen. I wanted. And it changed everything.”
“I’m glad for you.” He ran his hands up and down her arms before he stepped back. “I am. I was worried.”
“It was glorious.” Hugging her arms, she spun away. “And in my heart I know I never played better. There was such…freedom. I know I could go back to all the stages, all the halls, and play like that again.” She turned back, magnificent in the streaming sunlight. “I know it.”
“I am glad for you,” he repeated. “I hated thinking about you performing under stress. I’d never be able to allow you to make yourself ill again, Van, but I meant it when I said I wouldn’t ask you to give up your career.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“Damn it, Van, I want to know you’ll be coming back to me. I know a house in the woods doesn’t compare with Paris or London, but I want you to tell me you’ll come back at the end of your tours. That when you’re here we’ll have a life together, and a family. I want you to ask me to go with you whenever I can.”
“I would,” she said. “I would promise that, but—”
Rage flickered again. “No buts this time.”
“But,” she repeated, eyes challenging, “I’m not going to tour again.”
“You just said—”
“I said I could perform, and I will. Now and then, if a particular engagement appeals, and if I can fit it comfortably into the rest of my life.” With a laugh, she grabbed his hands. “Knowing I can perform, when I want, when I choose. That’s important to me. Oh, it’s not just important, Brady. It’s like suddenly realizing I’m a real person. The person I haven’t had a chance to be since I was sixteen. Before I went on stage this last time, I looked in the mirror. I knew who I was, I liked who I was. So instead of there being fear when I stepped into the light, there was only joy.”
He could see it in her eyes. And more. “But you came back.”
“I chose to come back.” She squeezed his fingers. “I needed to come back. There may be other concerts, Brady, but I want to compose, to record. And as much as it continues to amaze me, I want to teach. I can do all of those things here. Especially if someone was willing to add a recording studio onto the house he’s building.”
Closing his eyes, he brought her hands to his lips. “I think we can manage that.”
“I want to get to know my mother again—and learn how to cook. But not well enough so you’d depend on it.” She waited until he looked at her again. “I chose to come back here, to come back to you. About the only thing I didn’t choose to do was love you.” Smiling, she framed his face in her hands. “That just happened, but I think I can live with it. And I do love you, Brady, more than yesterday.”