“Van—”
“No, please.” Vanessa held up a hand. “When I first drove into town, I thought nothing had changed. But I was wrong. It’s difficult to accept that. It’s difficult to accept that you moved on so easily.”
“Moved on, yes,” Loretta said. “But not easily.”
Vanessa looked up, passion in her eyes. “Why did you let me go?”
“I had no choice,” Loretta said simply. “And at the time I tried to believe it was what was best for you. What you wanted.”
“What I wanted?” The anger she wanted so badly to control seeped out as bitterness. “Did anyone ever ask me what I wanted?”
“I tried. In every letter I wrote you, I begged you to tell me if you were happy, if you wanted to come home. When you sent them back unopened, I knew I had my answer.”
The color ran into and then out of Vanessa’s face as she stared at Loretta. “You never wrote me.”
“I wrote you for years, hoping that you might find the compassion to open at least one.”
“There were no letters,” Vanessa said, very deliberately, her hands clenching and unclenching.
Without a word, Loretta went over to an enameled trunk at the foot of her bed. She drew out a deep box and removed the lid. “I kept them,” she said.
Vanessa looked in and saw dozens of letters, addressed to her at hotels throughout Europe and the States. Her stomach convulsing, she took careful breaths and sat on the edge of the bed.
“You never saw them, did you?” Loretta murmured. Vanessa could only shake her head. “He would deny me even such a little thing as a letter.” With a sigh, Loretta set the box back in the trunk.”
“Why?” Vanessa’s throat was raw. “Why did he stop me from seeing your letters?”
“Maybe he thought I would interfere with your career.” After a moment’s hesitation, Loretta touched her shoulder. “He was wrong. I would never have stopped you from reaching for something you wanted and deserved so much. He was, in his way, protecting you and punishing me.”
“For what?”
Loretta turned and walked to the window.
“Damn it, I have a right to know.” Fury had her on her feet and taking a step forward. Then, with an involuntary gasp, she was clutching her stomach.
“Van?” Loretta took her shoulders, moving her gently back to the bed. “What is it?”
“It’s nothing.” She gritted her teeth against the grinding pain. It infuriated her that it could incapacitate her, even for a moment, in front of someone else. “Just a spasm.”
“I’m going to call Ham.”
“No.” Vanessa grabbed her arm. Her long musician’s fingers were strong and firm. “I don’t need a doctor. It’s just stress.” She kept one hand balled at her side and struggled to get past the pain. “And I stood up too fast.” Very carefully, she relaxed her hand.
“Then it won’t hurt to have him look at you.” Loretta draped an arm over her shoulders. “Van, you’re so thin.”
“I’ve had a lot to deal with in the last year.” Vanessa kept her words measured. “A lot of tension. Which is why I’ve decided to take a few months off.”
“Yes, but—”
“I know how I feel. And I’m fine.”
Loretta removed her arm when she heard Vanessa’s dismissive tone. “All right, then. You’re not a child anymore.”
“No, I’m not.” She folded her hands in her lap as Loretta rose. “I’d like an answer. What was my father punishing you for?”
Loretta seemed to brace herself, but her voice was calm and strong when she spoke. “For betraying him with another man.”
For a moment, Vanessa could only stare. Here was her mother, her face pale but set, confessing to adultery. “You had an affair?” Vanessa asked at length.#p#分页标题#e#
“Yes.” Shame rushed through her. But she knew she could deal with it. She’d lived with shame for years. “There was someone… It hardly matters now who it was. I was involved with him for almost a year before you went to Europe.”
“I see.”
Loretta gave a short, brittle laugh. “Oh, I’m sure you do. So I won’t bother to offer you any excuses or explanations. I broke my vows, and I’ve been paying for it for twelve years.”
Vanessa lifted her head, torn between wanting to understand and wanting to condemn. “Did you love him?”
“I needed him. There’s a world of difference.”
“You didn’t marry again.”