"And Derek, I haven't told anyone yet, so I'd appreciate it if you kept this to yourself for now."
"Yeah, sure. If you want me to be with you when you do-"
"Oh, no, no. That won't be necessary. I'll tell everyone when I'm ready. There's plenty of time."
He fell silent as he wondered how long before she'd begin to show. He didn't know a thing about pregnancy. He'd have to buy a book.
"Derek? I have to go now-"
"Wait! When am I going to see you again?" The instant the words left his mouth, he wanted to bite his tongue.
"I don't know." She sounded nettled.
Well hell, he didn't want to come off sounding too desperate. "We have things to discuss," he said stiffly.
"They can wait," she replied, equally stiff. "I really need to go now, Derek."
"Fine. Okay. See you whenever."
He cut the call and shoved the phone back into his pocket.
He was going to be a father.
It was incredible, a miracle. And he was scared out of his wits. A terrifying hollow opened up inside him. How could he be any good at being a father when he had no idea how it was done? His mother had dumped him when she couldn't be bothered with him anymore, while his grandfather had alternated between bawling him out and ignoring him.
The thought of another innocent human being enduring the same miserable childhood as his filled him with icy fear. Maybe he should just stay away. After all, Hannah hadn't exactly pleaded for his help. She'd practically told him not to bother her. She'd given him an out.
But he knew there was no way he'd take the easy way out. Hannah meant too much to him. And if he took the coward's way, how would he ever face Caleb or Mr. Willmett or Otto or all the other people he knew in Pine Falls?
Besides, he knew firsthand how difficult it could be for a single mom to raise a child. He couldn't let Hannah struggle on her own. He had to face his responsibilities even if he was scared of screwing up. He took a deep breath, but the smoggy city air did nothing to lift the suffocating feeling pressing down on him.
And even though he felt like he was drowning, underneath all the panic a tiny glow warmed him. He and Hannah weren't finished yet. Since his return to L.A., he'd dreamed about her countless times. No one else did it for him. He missed her badly. Wanted to see her again as soon as possible. But he couldn't drop everything and leave. He had filming commitments, and a backlog of orders to fulfill. He couldn't let down Malcolm or Ben, his business partner.
Frustration welled in him. By remaining in L.A., he was being responsible and mature, but staying away from Hannah made him feel the exact opposite. Something would have to give soon.
Hannah gazed at the display of kids' clothing in the storefront window. The orange onesie with the giraffe print was so adorable and so tiny. Were newborns really that itty-bitty? At the thought of holding her own baby, her insides constricted with a mixture of wonder and lurking fear. The fear dismayed her. Hadn't she always been the mature, responsible one even before her mom had abandoned them? Wasn't she a competent nursing assistant with years of experience looking after frail bodies?
All true, but she'd never imagined she'd be raising a baby on her own. A baby needed both mother and father, preferably in a happy union . She didn't know if she was up to the task of being everything to her child. She wasn't perfect, she wasn't always patient and kind, she didn't have a good role model to follow.
The price tags on these baby clothes were way outside her budget. Her baby wouldn't be getting giraffe-print onesies or pink leather booties or shiny European strollers. Sighing, she hitched up her bags of groceries and set off for her car.
The afternoon heat was sweltering, and her car had no AC. By the time she turned into the driveway of her home, her back was sticking to the plastic seat, and the beginning of a headache was drumming on her skull.
She hauled herself out of the car. The humid air enveloped her. As she turned toward the house, a shadow on the front porch moved, causing her heart to jump … and then jump even higher as she saw it was Derek.
For a second the sight of him thrilled her. But as he loped toward her, trepidation coiled in her stomach, creating a queasy mix of emotions.
"What"-she had to gulp down her rising nausea-"what are you doing here?"
"My grandpa's care assistant quit." His crystal blue eyes never wavered from her face. "But I had to come anyway."
Two weeks had passed since she'd called Derek and confirmed the earth-shattering news that she was pregnant with his child, and she couldn't deny that he'd haunted her thoughts, despite her best efforts. She'd told herself it was best all-around if Derek stayed in Los Angeles. She'd convinced herself he belonged on the periphery of her life. But now that he was here, she found herself torn between gladness and fear. Gladness that he was here; fear that she would be too weak to stand on her own.
She wiped a forearm across her brow, at a loss as to how to handle the situation. "Um, would you like to come in?"
He nodded. She reached into her car for the grocery bags, which Derek quickly snatched from her as if she were too feeble to carry anything.
"How long are you staying?" she asked as she unlocked the front door.
"Only a week this time."
"What about your TV show?"
"They're filming around me."
"And your furniture business?"
"My business partner is very long-suffering."
His Range Rover was parked at the curb, she saw, but her head had been too jumbled to notice earlier. She'd been like this for days. At work Vera had reprimanded her twice for forgetting things, things she was normally on top of.
Derek followed her into the kitchen, where he deposited the bags on a counter and began to unpack them, as if it were normal. As if he lived here.
Hannah grimaced. "You don't have to do that."
He paused, a carton of milk in his hand. "I know I don't have to," he said slowly, "but I want to."
Weakness wove through her. Her head and feet were aching, and she wanted to sink into a chair at the table, but she couldn't give in. Couldn't let him notice how glad she was to see him.
She pulled the milk out of his grip and stowed it in the refrigerator before turning to the rest of the shopping. Derek stood by, silently watching her. He was too close to her, close enough for her to catch his scent of soap, wood, and fresh, male perspiration. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth, dismayed at the longing tugging at her stomach. Seemed being pregnant didn't prevent her from lusting after Derek. It shouldn't be like this. She'd said good-bye to him several weeks ago. He shouldn't be back, tormenting her with his scent, making her think things, want things. Things she shouldn't be contemplating.
She whirled back to him, a box of Cheerios clutched in her hands. "Why?" she burst out. "Why are you really back? I thought we'd decided it was best you stay away … "
"How can I stay away?" His eyes suddenly blazed. "I'm the father of your baby."
It was as if the pregnancy tests and the doctor's examination hadn't happened; as if she were hearing the news for the first time. This determined young man towering over her had planted his seed in her, and he wasn't going away anytime soon. Panic bubbled up, throttling her windpipe.
"So what do you want to do?" Her voice was squeaky with nerves.
He stared at her, then braced his hands behind his head. Strain lined his face. "Shit, Hannah. I don't know what the hell I want! I'm going mental thinking about what to do. Maybe … " Suddenly he unlocked his fingers and grabbed at her hands, knocking the box of Cheerios to the floor. "Maybe we should get married."
The world stopped spinning.
"Get married!" She couldn't breathe. It felt as if her eyes would pop out of her head. "Are you crazy?"
"I'm serious."
She sucked in a desperate bubble of air. "I-It's ridiculous."
He dropped her hands. "Why?" he demanded.
Memories, sharp as broken glass, shafted through her head-of Derek's boyish face untroubled by razors, of his lean, smooth chest bared to the summer heat, his T-shirt dangling from the waistband of his jeans, of the scabs on his knees from coming off his skateboard. This was the boy who wanted to marry her, who wanted to be her husband and provider. Her brain struggled to fit him into the role, but his picture just wouldn't slot in.
"I've been married before, remember? And it didn't end well at all."
His entire body stiffened. "For the love of all that's holy, please don't compare me with Rick."
"I'm not, but surely you can see that basing a marriage around an unplanned pregnancy is a bad idea?"
He plowed his fingers through his hair. "My dad married my mom because she was pregnant with me."
Oh damn. He'd never told her that. "I'm sorry. I didn't know-"
"But since he died when I was just two, who knows how that would've turned out?" He fixed his heavy gaze on her. "You're sure you won't give us a try?"