If he ran screaming, then at least she could say she'd learned a lot about herself. There was a burning need inside her to tell him, to let him inside her childhood heartbreak. She hadn't really had anyone else to talk to before, no one like a friend. Wasn't it supposed to be therapeutic to get things off your chest?
Here goes, she thought, as she started to let the story pour out.
"My mother was only fifteen when she got pregnant with me. She was from a very affluent family and her parents were furious when they found out, but she'd kept it hidden so long that they couldn't force her to get an abortion. Her parents told her she was a sinner and would burn in hell. I was born a month early and there were severe complications and she ended up bleeding to death on the table," she began.
"Oh, Haley, I'm so sorry … " he said, but she held a finger to his mouth. If she was going to get through this, she couldn't have him interrupting, or she'd fall apart.
"Both of my grandparents thought I was an abomination, a sin come to life. They were ashamed of my mother, but some of their so-called friends had found out about me, so they couldn't give me up for adoption or they risked shame upon their family. They were stuck with a baby they didn't want and hated to look at."
"Haley -" he tried again, sighing and tightening his arms around her in comfort.
"They hired a nanny and solidified the truth that they didn't ever really want to know me. The only time I ever even saw them was when they came to tell me how terribly I was doing, or what a disappointment I was. I grew up with the servants, who were kind to me, taking me under their wing and teaching me all I needed to know. My grandparents didn't send me to school until I was old enough for boarding school, and then only did that so I'd be out of their house and they wouldn't have a constant reminder in front of them of the shame their daughter had brought upon them." Haley paused to wait for the lump to go away.
Crew said nothing, just gently stroked her back and waited for her to continue.
"I was so ashamed of who I was, even though the servants tried for years to tell me that my grandparents were wrong. Many of them stayed on only so they could look out for me when I was home during school holidays, and I'm grateful they did. It's why it's so much easier for me to speak with people in the service industry. I was never to show my face when my grandparents were entertaining guests. They didn't want to remind the community that I was around. They'd done their duty by providing a roof over my head and food, but that was as far as they were willing to go.
"How was school? Did it give you freedom?"
"No. School was worse than home. My grandparents paid my tuition and gave me the bare minimum of supplies and clothing, but I was going to a wealthy school where all of the other kids had plenty of money to spend on activities and socializing. I had nothing and was left behind. They all looked at me like a charity case, and I made zero friends while there. It was lonely, of course. I always was. I became interested in boys even though I had my grandmother's voice in my head calling me a slut for even thinking about wanting to kiss one of them."
"She was wrong!"
"I know that now. I honestly do, but it took me years. My grandparents died when I was eighteen. There was a gas leak in the house and they passed in their sleep. Even though they were horrible to me, I still felt sadness. None of the servants died -they slept in separate quarters behind the house. They've moved on, and we've now lost touch. A couple checked on me for a couple of years after the death of my grandparents, but then they had to worry about their own lives. The house sits empty, only a gardener left to make sure the grass doesn't overtake it."
"So, you've held on to it for six years?"
"I haven't sold it yet. I honestly don't know why. It took over a year for all the estate to finalize and for me to get my inheritance since there wasn't a will. I have always planned on getting rid of it. There are no happy memories there for me now, I just haven't done it yet. I will … "
"I don't know how I can make any of this better for you, Haley. I can't even say that I understand, because I don't. It's inconceivable for me to think of people treating one of their own kin, someone they are supposed to love, in that heartless, inhuman way."
Silence stretched out between them as she tried to push her raw emotions down. She'd shared her tale with only one other person, her counselor at college, and it had helped her to see she wasn't a child of Satan who didn't deserve to live. Still, it wasn't easy to get beyond the horrors of her early life.
She hated admitting all of this to Crew, since she wanted him to view her as something more than a child in the shadows, but it also felt good to get it off her chest, to share this burden with another human being, one who wasn't being paid to listen. As much as speaking with her counselor had helped, the woman had just sat behind her desk taking notes, hadn't rubbed Haley's back and let her know it would all be OK. Still, without her, Haley would never have had the confidence to get a job or take this vacation she'd won, or ever been able to approach Crew to ask for his help.