Maybe he was serious about trying to fix their marriage.
A spark of hope rose within her, but she forced herself to tamp it down. Unless and until Len proved to her he was serious, that this wasn’t a one-time thing because he felt guilty about drinking too much the night before, she couldn’t put too much stock in it.
She called her office and then returned to the kitchen just as Len was setting two laden plates down on the table. He’d already fixed her coffee, and when she took a sip she was surprised he’d gotten the proportions right.
He cocked a brow at her. “You think after, what, fifteen years with you I didn’t know you take your coffee with a lot of half-n-half and a little bit of sugar?” Cissy blushed and Len smiled. “Sit and eat before it gets cold.”
“It looks great,” she ventured, still not sure what to make of this man. Maybe he’d been abducted by aliens during the middle of the night. Aliens who, instead of doing gross tests on his person, taught him to be respectful and thoughtful. If she found out that was the case she’d probably kiss the poor things no matter what they looked like.
They ate in silence, each of them probably waiting for the other to start what might very well be an uncomfortable discussion. When he finished, Len stood and began to clean up and Cissy continued to eat, watching him in silence. By the time she took her last sip of coffee, Len was drying the frying pan from the eggs.
After putting it back in the drawer with the other pans, he leaned on the counter. “Want to talk outside?”
“Sure.” Together they went out onto their back deck, an area Cissy loved and one of the reasons she’d wanted to buy this house. They’d always known they weren’t going to have children, but Cissy had fallen in love with the large stamped-concrete patio that led into a landscaped yard, complete with perennial beds bursting with flowers. People said she was crazy, but Cissy found pulling weeds and tending to her beds very therapeutic.
“Sit with me.” Len indicated the porch swing and Cissy sank into it, grateful they could be close without having to look at each other. After her husband sat and began gently rocking them with one foot, he said, “I think we’ve both made mistakes, but I want to fix our marriage. You’re the most important thing in the world to me, and if I’ve made you feel any other way I’m sorry. I could make excuses, but I’m not going to. I do think both of us are lying to the other. Lying about what’s going on inside our heads, what we want and what we need.”
“Okay…” Cissy drew the word out, not sure where Len was going with this.
“I think if we’re going to move forward, we both have to be totally honest, no matter how stupid or embarrassed either of us feels.” He took a deep breath and Cissy chanced a glance at him. His face was red and he was rubbing his palms up and down the front of his shorts. “Here goes…I lied last night. About a lot of stuff.”
Bile rose in Cissy’s throat. “Lied?” The word came out as little more than a squeak.
“Yes.” He must’ve looked at her, because he rushed on. “But probably not what you think. I’m not cheating or anything.”
Cissy let out an audible breath. “Go on.”
“I didn’t go out with clients last night. I went to a sports bar by myself and drank myself silly.”
“Why?”
“Because I was totally freaked out. We had sex yesterday morning and I couldn’t finish.”
That’s what all this was about? Cissy wanted to laugh and scream in turn.
“That happens to everyone, hon. We were in a hurry—”
“That’s not why it happened.”
“Then why?”
His next words came out in a rush and she had to concentrate to understand him. “I think it was because I want to be tied up in bed. I don’t…I don’t want control in bed. Or maybe even out of it. And yesterday I was on top, I was the dominant one, and it just didn’t work.” Len swore softly, but it hardly registered. “I feel like such a wimp.”
She turned to face him. “You’re not a wimp.”
“Easy for you to say,” he grumbled, raking his hands through his hair. “You’re not the one who wants your wife to tie you up and blindfold you and spank—” He swore again and Cissy knew her eyes were practically bugging out of her head, but try as she might to school her expression, there was just too much information coming at her to properly process everything.
She latched on to his last word. “Spank?”
“Okay, so I said we needed to be honest, and I’m going to be. Please don’t laugh at me.”