“Shane, I want to keep seeing you.” His face softened as I spoke.
“I know, and I want that too. I just don’t know how to do this. Sneaking you around won’t be fair, but I can’t risk publicity.”
What was he hiding that so horrible? I kept thinking that, over and over, as we had this conversation. What secrets made this man?
“We can figure it out. I understand what you’re saying, and I’m willing to figure out something that works for us,” I said.
He shook his head sadly. “Maybe we can, or maybe we can’t. But the strain of it will be awful. You don’t know what you’re getting into.”
“I’m an adult, Shane. I can make my choices. And I’m choosing this.”
He reached out and took my hand. The electricity between our fingers was still there, and stronger than ever.
“I know you can,” he said softly.
“Then let’s get out of here.”
He shook his head again. “I need to think about this. More importantly, I need you to think about this. Really think about what it would mean to be with me. The sneaking around, and the secrecy. I wouldn’t want you to even tell your family or your friends, at least not for awhile.”
That would be really hard, I realized. I could be with Shane Green, but I couldn’t tell anyone about it, not even those closest to me. I could feel my doubt nagging at me again, and stayed quiet. It would be the hardest not telling Darcy, but everyone else I could manage pretty easily. Or at least I hoped so.
“Alright, let’s get out of here. I’ll take you home,” he said after a minute of silence went by.
I nodded and he let go of my hand. He motioned for the waiter, who came and cleared the table, and returned with the check. Shane paid, nodded to the manager, and we left.
My thoughts were all over as we climbed into his car and the driver headed back toward my apartment. Why is he so obsessed with his privacy? Is he just ashamed of me, or is he seeing other women? I hated that I had these thoughts, and I hated that I felt like I didn’t trust him. But what did I really know about his life, aside from his company, and the few things he told me? I knew mostly about personal interests, favorite books and movies, and a rough sketch of his early years, but almost nothing specific about his family or his friends. I didn’t know where he grew up or what his parents did for a living.
I did know that he was notoriously private, and that fact existed before he met me. It was possible he really did hate publicity as much as he said he did, and truly meant it when he said he feared the strain that kind of life would put me under. I’d never been remotely famous, or had to deal with any kind of public attention. I’d always been quiet, and floated through school on my own. Darcy was the person closest to me, but before her I had very few friends.
We rode in the car in silence, but half way back to my apartment, he reached out and took my hand. Our eyes met but we didn’t say anything, and he leaned across the seat to kiss me softly on the mouth. It wasn’t the hungry kiss from the office, but something much sweeter, and caring. His lips were soft against mine, and my body vibrated for him. He pulled away and smiled again, then looked back out the window. I could feel the distance open up between us, but I didn’t understand it. I wanted to ask what he was thinking, but something about the moment told me silence was a better idea.
We pulled out front of my apartment, and we climbed out of the car together. He walked me to my front door in silence. On the stoop, he wrapped me in his arms, and I pressed myself against his hard, sculpted body.
“Think about it, Amy,” he said, then kissed me again. This time, we kissed for longer, a bit more of that hunger leaking in between us. I wanted him to take me upstairs and fuck me hard, forget about all of this. I kept my body pressed against him until he broke away.
“Goodnight,” he said and stepped away.
“Goodnight, Shane.” He waved, and got back into the car. I turned and unlocked my front door and went inside. When the door closed, his car started to pull away.
My mind was a mess of conflicting emotions and ideas. I climbed my stairs, went into my apartment, and flopped down on my couch. I wanted to call Darcy and tell her everything, but I couldn’t. And it hit me then, how hard it would be keeping Shane a secret. It would be isolating. Even though I was pretty self-contained, I usually talked most big things through with Darcy. I needed at least that one small outlet. But if Shane and I decided to move forward, I wouldn’t have an outlet for my feelings, I would never be able to discuss it with anyone.
I scrolled through our shared text messages, unsure of what to do.