“He came pretty close last week. He did it in front of my son. I’m not going to let him grow up that way.” I didn’t look at Drew. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see the realization in his eyes of me taking Nicholas and leaving him.
I didn’t like this part of therapy. It hurt too much and made me think about things I didn’t want to think about. I wanted to go back to our life stories. This part was tougher than I’d anticipated. I really don’t know what I expected, but hearing it put so bluntly made it real. Drew was abusive, and I enabled him. I let him have control. I handed it over to him like it was my duty. I fed fuel to his fire by permission.
My safe word was Nicholas. Whenever I felt threatened or afraid of Drew that was the safe word I picked. Deidra told me to use something comforting to Drew, something that he loved or cherished. There were only two things I could think of that he prized. One was me and one was Nicky. I didn’t want to choose my name, not when I was the one about to receive his wrath. Nicholas was the safer choice. He loved him so much and would never hurt him.
Chapter 34
Jumping from my distant thoughts, Drew wrapped his arms around me. “You okay?”
“Yes. You scared me.” I leaned into him.
“What are you thinking about?” Drew asked, turning me away from the window to look at him.
“Nothing, really,” I lied. I couldn’t tell him what I was thinking about. I knew he thought I was staring out the window, reflecting on our appointment with Deidra. I guess I was doing that too, but what I was really thinking about was Alicia. I wanted to know how things went with our little accomplice. Did he agree? Did we offer enough money? Maybe he called the cops and had her arrested. Maybe she was in jail for extortion or something. No. No. Stop it, Morgan. She’s not in jail. Celeste would have called Drew.
“Morgan, we’re going to be okay. I promise,” Drew said, pulling me tight to his chest and kissing the top of my head.
“I believe that,” I offered. I did believe that. I couldn’t imagine not having Drew in my life. Drew and I stood in front of the window, kissing, losing ourselves in each other’s touch. Drew felt too right to be wrong. I did belong with him, and we would conquer this tempest. I knew we would. We had to.
“You’ve got a birthday in two days. I’m going to give you the best year of your life,” Drew promised. I didn’t believe that. I believed that we would be okay, our okay. I wasn’t that naive. I could have easily told him I’d heard it all before. I wanted to believe him. I couldn’t, and I didn’t believe the empty promise. He’d hit me again. I was sure of it. Eventually he’d change, over time, but I was sure it wasn’t going to be in a year. It took him a lot longer than a year to get this way, I was sure it was going to take longer to weaken the monster inside him.
“Do you think spanking you is abuse?” Drew whispered hot kisses to my neck and chest.
“God, no, and stop saying that word. I hate it.”
“Does that mean I can lay you over my lap and paint your ass with my hand print?”
“That means I want you to do that.” I moaned, slanting my head, allowing better access to my neck.
“What do you want?”
“What do you mean? I just told you what I wanted.”
“No, I mean, what do you want. Tell me what you want me to do. I don’t want to control you.”
“Drew, you can control me in bed. I love that about you.”
“How do you know? You’ve never told me what you like. Tell me what you like and what you don’t like, besides the prod. I know you hate that thing.” He smiled, pulling me to the bed with him.
“Actually, I don’t hate that anymore. I hated it when you used it on me and didn’t let me come. That was torture. Now it just intensifies it when I do come.”
“You like it?” Drew asked, hopeful.
“Yes. I know, I’m as screwed up as you are.”
“And I made you that way.”
“You didn’t, Drew. I think Deidra is right. That started way before you.”
“But things could have been so much different. I could have made things better for you.”
“But you didn’t, and that is in the past. We’re done with that. Remember what Deidra said? We’ve hashed all that out. Everything’s on the table. Now it’s time to leave it there and move forward. Let’s make them better now, Drew. You can’t keep staring at that door. It’s closed now. You’re never going to see the door that’s been opened for us if you keep staring at the closed one. Can we stop being serious for a little bit?” I asked, ruffling Drew’s hair.