My head hung. "I really am sorry, Son. I just wanted to help, and I realized too late how stupid it was."
Sonny paused and the silence felt suffocating. "Kid, I get that you'd do something stupid if you thought it'd help. Trust me, I'd do dumber shit than that for you but you know, you know, how much it pisses me off when you keep shit from me."
"I know." There was no way my voice sounded as pitiful and crappy as I felt. Because he was right. We'd been through this before.
"Yeah, I know you know," he answered back gruffly.
The urge to say sorry again was right on my tongue but it wouldn't come out. I knew my brother. I knew my brother enough to not be surprised he was mad at me for keeping things from him, and I was well aware of the fact that the word 'sorry' meant nothing to him. Actions spoke louder than words, he'd probably say.
And I'd blown it, and then blown it again by fielding his calls.
"Did they tell you everything?" I asked him slowly. If there was something no one had mentioned before then there might be hope for the big pile of shit I'd dug myself into.
"I hope so. You went to Busty's, and that mother—Liam showed up, wanting you to go with him," he said. "Anything else?"
Was there a trace of a challenge in his voice?
Crap. I bit my lip and took a deep breath. If all my cards were on the line, I might as well drop the bomb too. There was a chance someone had already mentioned to him a part of whatever the heck was going on with Dex but if they hadn't....
Double crap.
"I don't really know for sure what's going on with me and Dex but—," but what? What exactly do you tell your older half-brother about having irrational feelings toward his friend? His friend that was your boss. His friend that he'd left you with. "I really like him and I'm pretty positive he feels the same... in his own way."
Just like a Band-Aid right?
Except there was more stunted silence on Sonny's end. At least a minute passed before he spoke again.
"Yeah, I know, kid. You're not the only one ignoring my calls." That didn't exactly surprise me. "I had a feeling it was headed in that direction but Dex knows what's coming to him as soon as we get back."
What was coming to him?
"Sonny, he's good to me—"
My brother laughed. "Oh, I'm sure he is."
Mortified. I was absolutely mortified. "Not like that!" Well, sort of like that after today.
"I know what you meant, Ris. I’m not blind," he bit back sharply. "I’m sure he's good to you, that's why I haven't driven back to beat his ass just yet. I'm saving it for after we get your dad. I'll give Dex that much until then. If he was Wheels or Buck, then that'd be a different story but I know him. Dex has more than enough phone numbers if he was just interested in playing around."
Ouch. Well. The truth wasn’t always made with stuffing and fur. "Don't be mad about that. It's not a big deal."
"He knows it's a big deal, and he knows what the consequences are. You're a big girl, Ris, so I'm not gonna tell you what to do. You might not trust me, but I trust you."
Shit. I was the second biggest piece of crap on the planet after my dad with that one line. But what could I say to make the situation better? Nothing. Absolutely nothing and I needed to live with that. "I do trust you, I promise. I don't trust anyone more than you."
He sighed. "I'm sure, kid."
I banged my forehead on the edge of the table. "All right."
Sonny didn't say anything else.
"Oh, and there was a note on Pins' door when we got here today." I went on to tell him what Dex had said, and then reminded him in case no one had told him about the deadline on the debt coming up.
"I got some intel on a few more places he could be staying at. Trip and I are heading up to northern Cali tomorrow to look. I'll call you if I find anything out," he promised.
"Okay."
He grunted. "See ya, Ris." Then, he hung up. Just like that.
And just like that, I felt like the biggest douche on the planet.
When was the last time Sonny had ever gotten off the phone with me in that way? Years? When he'd found out that the doctors had found more cells in my arm and I hadn't told him until my treatment was nearly over? In trying to spare him, wasn't I doing the same thing he'd done by not telling me about our secret little brother?
Eh. Kind of.
Okay, it was exactly the same. I'd thought I'd learned my lesson at nineteen but apparently not. The reality of it made me feel not just crappy but useless. All these people went through so much for me and I just sat at work or at Dex's house and betrayed them with my lies and bullshit. What kind of crap was that?