Part of her wanted to cross the room, gather him close and hold him. But she remained by the window, unable to force her feet to move and alleviate the guilt he wore like an albatross around his neck.
“How long do I have?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” he said. Raising his head, he met her gaze without flinching. The sharp angles and lines of his face were harsher, grim and could have been carved from the mountains that surrounded them. “It could be hours or days. Bastien thinks the change will come soon given the intensity and frequency of your…episodes.”
She nodded, but inside she screamed like a banshee.
“Tamar, Evander admitted to me that his brother was innocent of the crimes I killed him for,” he said. “Evander was the rogue all along, but I mistakenly took out his twin.”
Shock rolled over her as he rose to his feet, closed the distance between them. Damn. She stared at him, horrified on his behalf. She wanted to reach out to him, sweep a hand over his cheek and whisper he wasn’t to blame. She desired nothing more than to burrow against him, siphon some of his warmth and strength even as she offered him solace in her arms. But he maintained the couple of inches that separated them, didn’t reach out to touch her. And she didn’t try to bridge the space either.
“That’s something I’ll have to carry as a burden on my conscience and soul for the rest of my life. And I won’t add your freedom to that burden. I won’t trap or imprison you in some gilded cage. But I want you to live.” He closed his eyes and a muscle flexed along his jaw. After a long, weighty pause, Nicolai lifted his lashes and his amethyst eyes peered into hers again. “Accept me, Tamar. Accept me and I’ll walk away from you when it’s over. I’ll let you go.”
God, how that sacrifice cut to the bone.
“How nice of you,” she said dully. Swallowing back the sob of despair and outrage lodged in her throat, she crossed her arms and turned back to the window.
Apparently there was an Option C she hadn’t considered. A choice that sucked worse than losing her identity or her life.
Surrendering her heart and soul to a male who bound himself to her out of responsibility, not love.
Nicolai was willing to bind himself to her for the rest of his life—however long that might be—all out of duty and guilt. Once more she would be an unwanted responsibility, an inconvenient liability. Kyle had turned vicious and mean when he’d realized he was saddled with her. She knew in her heart Nicolai would continue to protect and provide for her, and never hurt her.
But if she was going to sacrifice everything, she wanted to be his mate, not his chore.
She closed her eyes, sank her teeth into her bottom lip and willed the tears not to fall as long as he remained in the room.
* * * * *
Hours later, Tamar walked the same forest she and Nicolai had roamed a couple of days earlier. The sun had risen to its zenith and like that magical afternoon, the golden beams infiltrated the thick canopy of leaves and turned the woods into a quiet fairies’ glen. She shook her head, emitting a slight snort. Up until a few days ago, she would have considered that thought whimsical. Now she might have to search the trees for the mythical figures.
The difference a week makes.
She blew out a long, heavy sigh. When she’d left the cabin and headed into the woods, she’d sought peace and space to reflect on the early morning discussion between her and Nicolai.
Especially his oh-so-chivalrous offer to walk away from her.
From the start of this entire mess, she’d prepared herself for the day Nicolai would leave her life as quickly as he’d entered it.
But that had been before their dreams had kicked off a chain reaction of mating, bonding and irreversible transformation…before she’d become a candidate for Professor X’s school for mutants.
Nicolai’s proposition to let her go should have comforted her. Instead it had reached inside her and raked razor-sharp nails over a heart that already bled.
His offer hadn’t been made out of love—it had come from a sense of responsibility, guilt and duty.
That’s something I’ll have to carry as a burden on my conscience and soul for the rest of my life. And I won’t add your freedom to that burden. I won’t trap or imprison you in some gilded cage.
Just as he felt responsible for Evander’s brother’s death, he also accepted accountability for her predicament. So much, he was willing to step down from his role as Dimios and bind himself to her for the rest of his existence in an act of penance. Had he even considered that? If he mated her, he could no longer protect the people he loved.
Tamar drew to a stop, tilted her head back on her shoulders and wrapped her arms around herself.