“But?”
I’m momentarily taken aback. I’m not sure how to respond. Barb has to be one of the most perceptive people I’ve met. Now I know exactly where Asher gets it. I look down, embarrassed. “No one I love stays around too long, I’m afraid.”
“Oh, my dear,” she replies softly, taking my free hand. “You know, life takes us exactly where we’re supposed to be, even if that road is bumpy and fraught with detours and potholes. I’m going to share something with you that I haven’t even told my own boys, but this stays between us, okay?”
I nod, feeling a mixture of anxiety that I’m so transparent and excitement that Barb’s about to confide something to me—me—that even Asher doesn’t know. “Of course.”
“When I was young, I loved my mother to the ends of the earth. She was beautiful, smart, and funny. But she was also a free spirit and when I was eleven, she fell in love with someone else and walked out on our family.” Her knowing, empathetic gaze finds mine. Of course she knows about my mom. “I later found out she was pregnant with his child and she wanted to start fresh with a new husband, new family. To this day, I still can’t understand how a mother could abandon her family as easily as if she were trading in an old car for a new model. My father took it hard and whereas he was once a kind, easygoing man, he became hostile, abusive. Let’s just say the last half of my childhood was not bubble gum and cotton candy.”
She clears her throat, her personal pain evident even all these years later. “I spent years resenting my mother’s betrayal. I spent my entire childhood and a good part of my early adult life wondering what I’d done to make her leave. Maybe if I’d helped out more? Maybe if I’d talked back less? Could I have done something different to make her stay? It had to be me, right?”
Her words were mine. My feelings. My thoughts.
“It ate me alive. It ruined every relationship I had. I couldn’t let people past that magical protective barrier I’d spun around my heart. Then when I was twenty, I met Frank and we fell madly in love. I knew after my second date that I was going be his wife. After only three months he asked me to marry him, but as much as I loved him, I couldn’t completely drop the guards. I tried to sabotage my own relationship, because I was so lost in fear that I wasn’t good enough. I made mistakes, Alyse. Big ones, almost unforgiveable ones, and he broke off our engagement.
“It was then that I realized I was about to lose the very best thing to ever happen to me because the past was shackled firmly to my ankles like dead weight, and I dragged it around with me everywhere like a darn prize, using it as a crutch, an excuse. It took me a long time to realize, Alyse, that every person is responsible and accountable for his or her own decisions in life. We may not understand them or agree with them, but it’s not our job to.”
I’m captivated, sucking in every word of motherly advice like a dry sponge. Barb Colloway had a childhood similar to mine, with a mother who left her, and yet she is the most put-together, open, and loving woman I’ve ever met. She found the love of her life and raised four wonderful sons.
“We’re all imperfect, Alyse. We’ve all had people betray our trust and our love, but it’s what we do with that adversity that separates us from the pack. Holding on to bitterness and resentment and anger only holds us back. It limits us in every possible way. In life, in love, in happiness. It’s an easy place to stay, but it’s also very lonely.
“Forgiveness, however? That’s hard. Much harder than holding onto our hurts and wrongs and using those to excuse our own actions. It takes courage and bravery to forgive. Oh, but Alyse…forgiveness is freeing. Healing. In both mind and spirit. Forgiveness allows you to thrive and flourish. Forgiveness allows you to shed your burdens and embrace life, short as it is.”
I’m letting her insightful words roll around and sink in when I hear a noise in the kitchen. I look over with blurry eyes to see Asher standing there.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Asher says sheepishly, gaze bouncing between the two of us. I have to wonder how much he heard. I also wonder if my pulse will gallop with excitement every time I lay eyes on him. I hope so.
I glance over at Barb to see a sly smile on her face. Did she know he was standing there? She pats me on the leg before surprising me and throwing back her drink in one swallow. “I should get going, dear. I hope you get to feeling better.”
She’s halfway to Asher when I call after her, popping off the couch. “Thank you,” I mutter, pulling her in for a hug. “Thank you.”