Undeniably Asher (The Colloway Brothers Book 2)(83)

“I have a hard time believing this is real sometimes.”

The sadness in her eyes twists my insides into so many goddamn knots I feel like I belong on a fucking sailboat.

“That what’s real, baby?”

“You. Us,” she whispers.

I tug her onto my lap, so she’s cradled in my arms. “Why, Alyse? What happened last night to make you question what we have is real?” I want her to believe in us so badly, but I don’t know how.

Until these five strange phone calls today planted a new seed of uncertainty, I’ve run through every scenario in my head. The only thing I can come up with is my raging jealousy over other men looking at, talking to, or touching her. I know she saw it when she was talking to that photographer in the hallway. I realize I’m being completely asinine. I trust her and I need to start acting like it. I decided first thing this morning to get that under control because my fear is it’s pushing her away from me.

For the first time since Conn mentioned it, I’m seriously considering calling Natalie, knowing that conversation won’t be as hard as I originally thought. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced real pain, the debilitating kind that would bring me to the edge of despair. I now know losing Alyse would lead me there and I’d never come back. Even with everything Natalie did to me, to us, it’s a fraction of the certain agony I would be in without Alyse.

“I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

I don’t know what to make of her cryptic response, but one thing I’ve learned about Alyse is that I need to let her talk about things in her own time. I hate it. I want her to spill the entire contents of her guts now. But the more I push, the more she withdraws. My best approach is to continually remind her that I will be here for her come hell or high water.

“I’m real. We’re real.” I tip her chin up, snaring her eyes. “My love for you is real. It consumes me, Alyse. It burns hot like a thousand suns deep inside my soul and there is nothing that could ever extinguish it.”

Her lips turn, but the weak smile doesn’t reach her eyes and it’s like knives to my heart that she’s feeling so lost.

“You’re not alone anymore,” I tell her, needing her to believe my words are not just syllables strung together, but promises that come from the very center of my being. “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I’ll carry you, I’ll catch you, I’ll hold you up when you need it. I’ll shoulder your burdens when they get too heavy. You’re not alone, Alyse.” I cup her face, bringing her close. “You’re not alone.”

Her eyes refill with tears and they spill over, running down her face. “Asher, I…I love you. So much.”

I take her lips in a deep, drugging kiss, pouring every thought and every feeling I have into her, willing her to believe it.

Believe in me.

Believe in us.

Fight for us.

I spend the rest of the night holding her, loving her, and doing something I haven’t done in a very long time: I pray.

I pray that my love will be enough to hold her to me. I can’t help the niggling in the back of my brain that the walls she’s resurrected again have everything to do with the painful past she refuses to discuss.

I just wish I knew what happened to slam them back into place so I can fix it.





Chapter 31





Alyse





You know that anxious, gut-twisting feeling you get when the walls are closing in on you from all directions and there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop them from crushing you? All you can do is sit helplessly frozen, watching as they inch ever closer to exterminating your hopes, your dreams, your very life?

I felt that way when I learned that Beck had died. I felt powerless, weak. My body and mind nothing but a swirling mass of utter despondency for several long months.

I worked hard to overcome my depression. It was a long, difficult road, but I did it and I vowed I’d never let myself get to that place again. No matter what. But since Saturday night, I feel like I’ve slipped. I’m suffocating. I’m slowly circling that dark pit of despair again and I’m scared. Absolutely terrified.

It’s a place I welcomed last time because I didn’t know any better. I couldn’t see beyond my soul-destroying agony. This time, however…it’s not fucking welcome. At all. It’s not, because I’ve found love again. I’m happy and hopeful, but even so I still feel the darkness seeping in around the edges like shadow warriors come to claim my soul so they can feast on it for eternity.

I look down at my phone to see fifteen text messages and four missed calls.

Cooper.