Undeniably Asher (The Colloway Brothers Book 2)(26)

Fuck off, I tell my conscience. That’s different. Right?

“So, are you settling in?”

Livia was very supportive when I told her Asher hired me for this audit, and she was excited that I’d be temporarily relocating here so we could spend more time together. But I breathe a sigh of relief that she doesn’t ask me about Asher, because I don’t know if she approves of our personal relationship and quite frankly, I still need some time to get my head on straight about where it is I think I’m headed with him. Other than his bed. After these past few days, we both know that’s inevitable.

“Yes, I guess so. I just brought a couple of suitcases and spent the afternoon getting unpacked and picking up a few groceries at the corner market, so it was pretty easy. I start on the project tomorrow.”

I don’t tell her that there was a huge bouquet of wild flowers waiting for me, courtesy of the man I can’t get out of my head for a single solitary second. Or the bottle of champagne I found in the fridge, along with a note that was clearly not business related. Unless that business included getting me underneath him in short order. His romantic side is equally as endearing as his domineering one.

“Are your friends coming?”

“Yeah, they’re running late. They will both be late to their own funerals.” She pauses and I can tell she has something more to say so I wait patiently. “I’m glad you’re here, Alyse.”

“Me too, Libs.” I grab her hand and smile.

Livia looks down like she’s nervous. “Alyse, can I ask you something?”

Uh oh. “Sure,” I respond slowly, drawing out the word. I can’t guarantee you I’ll answer honestly, though.

“Are you doing all right? I mean…really all right? With the breakup with Finn and all?”

Ah, Livia. Always worried about my mental health.

I take a deep breath, followed by a deep drink of my wine. I’m not sure why I can’t just tell her no. I’m not doing all right, and it has nothing at all to do with Finn. I haven’t been doing all right for the last eight years since my boyfriend and the father of my baby went apeshit behind the wheel of a car, trying to kill us, apparently thinking he was better off dead than having a family with me.

Because she doesn’t know about Beck, at least not that he was my boyfriend. She thinks he was a friend’s brother giving me a ride home. And she certainly didn’t know I was pregnant.

My dad was so caught up in his own world, he didn’t give two shits what I did; however, Livia would have never approved of me dating someone who was twenty-two when I was only eighteen. But she wasn’t home much. She worked or went to college and whenever Gray came home, they were inseparable. I didn’t exist. In some ways I feel like Livia deserted me well before she physically left.

So she has no idea why I sank into a deep depression after the accident or why I tried to take my own life not just once, but twice. I lost everything that day and I still don’t understand why. I think that’s the hardest part. Not knowing. I’ve replayed that day hundreds upon hundreds of times, trying to figure out what I missed. Every single time I come up blank.

I absently rub the scar low on my breastbone where the surgeons had to remove my ruptured spleen. In some ways I was lucky that day. I sustained relatively minor injuries. A few lacerations on my face and body, a broken ankle, a ruptured spleen, and of course, a miscarriage because the trauma was likely too great for the baby to handle, they said.

Outwardly, all I have left of that horrific day are a few silvery, ragged scars marring my once-perfect skin. Inwardly, however…those wounds are the most severe. They run far and deep. On some days I feel like they’re still bleeding out. Sometimes I think it’s impossible for the scars on your heart and mind to scab over. They’re the most fragile ones, easy to rip open, so they constantly remain fresh and raw.

Then instead of vomiting everything that I should, I smile and do what I always do.

Lie.

“Yes, I’m really good, Livia. Truly.” I feel my nose grow just a bit and guilt stabs me for the fact that I’m what I hate the most. A hypocrite.

I’m saved from any further probing when I hear laughter at the far end of the restaurant and see two stunningly beautiful women approach us. Livia jumps up and runs to meet them. They hug and giggle. I’m surprised at the tinge of envy I feel. Heather is the closest person I have to a friend. Or Finn. How sad. I’m suddenly consumed by an almost overwhelming sense of loneliness I haven’t felt in a very long time. I don’t like it.

And I vow to find a way to fix it.

“Alyse, this Addy and Kamryn. Guys, this is my sister, Alyse.” I stand and try to shake their hands, but they both race around the table and hug me instead, telling me how happy they are to finally meet me, how much Livia talks about me, how happy they are that I’ll be here for a while. They both go on for what seems like minutes. I can’t help but smile and laugh with them. I can see why Livia likes them.