I wasn’t sure where the Mike accusation came from, and I wasn’t trying to make him jealous. The accusation did hit close to home. I complained incessantly about the ring girls to Lana who told me to go to Vegas already if I was so worried.
There were girls everywhere, and Noah was so fine with so much drive and potential. I knew that there were dozens of them on this campus alone waiting for him to tire of me. My indecision must have shown on my face because Noah threw down the pen and swore at me, which he rarely ever did.
“Goddammit Grace, you don’t need money from the work study. You can just sit at home.”
Sit at home and wait for him like I had for four years? I had waited for him, and only when he had decided it was time, did he come. Now he was telling me I could just wait some more until he had time for me? I felt a sudden and unexpected rush of anger toward him. “I just can’t sit around and wait for you to show up after you’re done with your activities.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m not that girl,” I spit out. Maybe I was, but I didn’t want to be. I was tired of being Josh’s little sister, Lana’s cousin, and now Noah’s girlfriend. I had to start stepping out on my own, even if it meant just working at the library for more hours. Before, when my confidence was buttressed by my black metal case full of lenses and mirrors, maybe Noah’s absence wouldn’t have been so noticeable but the divide between us seemed greater now than ever.
“I’m doing all of this for you, you know.” He threw out his arm, gesturing into the air. I had no idea what he was talking about.
“How is your fighting for us?”
“It’s too low-class for you, is that it?”
“No!” I shook my head vehemently. I felt like we were talking two different languages. “I don’t fit with you, Noah. You know where you’re going and what you’re going to do. You’ve put actual plans in motion. I can’t even pick a major, and I dither over what classes to sign up for. My—” I couldn’t bring myself to say it, to give voice to my greatest failure. To admit that I was actually terrible at something I loved.
“You have plenty of time to experiment with what you want to do and decide later.”
“Don’t play father knows best here and tell me that because you’re four years older than me, you know what I’m feeling. You don’t. You’ve always had a plan. ”
“Grace, you’re killing me here. Don’t throw away this thing between us over some ridiculous idea of what you think I want. I want you,” he said flatly as if the conversation was over and done.
“Thanks for calling my concerns ridiculous.”
“Don’t do this, Grace.” He sounded disgusted.
“Or what? You’ll fuck some ring girl?”
He reared back like I slapped him. “Don’t curse.”
“Don’t curse? You curse all the time. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!” I screamed. Noah stood up.
“I’m not going to sleep with any ring girls. Calm down or just come with me. Then it isn’t even an issue.”
“Well, it isn’t an issue if we aren’t dating, is it?” I spat out. All my anxiety, frustration, and worry spilled out. I stomped over to the entry and threw open the door.
Noah picked up his bag and, with one motion, swept all his materials into the opening. He shouldered the backpack and stalked toward me. “Fine. If this is what you want.”
No, no, it really wasn’t, but what else could I say at this point without actually looking like a crazy person? I nodded, unable to speak, knowing that if I did open my mouth a million sorries would pour forth and I would be back to where I was before. In someone’s shadow.
“You’ll regret this,” he threatened. His face was dark like a thundercloud. I remained silent, and he stepped through the doorway. I waited half a heartbeat and closed the door with a slam. I didn’t hear his footsteps right away, and I thought about opening the door. But he took off a beat later, running down the steps.
I ran over to the living room window. At the corner of the street, I saw two coeds stop him. I shouldn’t worry about hurting his feelings. There would be any number of women ready to take my place. I felt like these past weeks had been borrowed time anyway. Like the magic clock had been broken and midnight was delayed. Only now the clock was fixed, and my time was being ticked off as the golden hour approached steadily. Inexorably.
The library was bursting with people during midterms, but everyone walked around like silent ghosts. Worry marked many faces, aging us past our years. I tossed Mike’s red ball around by myself and stared down at the library entrance from the balcony. I focused on the monitor’s desk purposely trying to blur the edges. People slowed down, moving like windup dolls, as I mentally took their photos. A girl with a bright red jacket walked in. She would’ve been a great subject.