“‘Make sure that your heartfelt thanksgiving is more consistent than your nagging needs, and your passionate apology more fervent than your unhealthy justifications.’ Israelmore Ayivor.”
“Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Okay, time to get back and see how long I was busting your balls.”
“An eternity?”
“Shut up.” Didn’t even close my eyes that time. Just wished myself back. And there they were, my stepmother and my zombie, right where I’d left them: the seating area outside the Lego store.
CHAPTER
SEVENTEEN
They stared at me, expectant. “So . . .” Marc prompted.
“Worked! I’d only been gone for a couple of minutes, just like here.”
“Excellent,” the Ant said with a grudging nod of almost-but-not-quite approval. “Now we can—”
“And Sinclair’s been keeping ice and fruit in our room! He was sucking down a smoothie in our bed!”
“He defiled the champagne fridge to break a rule he made?”
“Right?” I cried, thrilled to be vindicated.
“Do you two mind?” the Ant asked. “Betsy, I’m sorry you caught your husband cheating on you with a blender; somehow you’ll have to find the strength to move on. Marc, stop encouraging her. Can’t you take any part of this seriously?”
“I am taking this seriously. Surely you noticed I was wearing my business shoes,” I said, pointing to my black patent loafers. Too late I remembered I was wearing my red knee-high gladiator sandals. (Valeria, an actual former gladiator I met on my third day running Hell, burst out laughing when I told her what they were. Did you know there were female gladiators? I didn’t know there were female gladiators. They’re kind of mean, too.)
“Holy shit,” Marc exclaimed, staring, “I didn’t even notice!”
“What? She doesn’t know?” The Ant turned to me. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed this.”
“Noticed what? You know, you’re being kind of negative. Even for you.”
“Uh . . . Betsy.” Marc pointed. “You might want to look down. I mean really look.”
I did. And smiled. Valeria was wrong, dammit! This was the perfect footgear for kicking ass in Hell. Or anywhere else, for that matter. “Nothing you can say will make me repudiate these shoes.”
“So you haven’t noticed you’re not wearing your magical silver slippers?”
“Of course not; they never would have gone with— Oh.” I chewed on that for a second. “Well, the Ant did say it was all me, it was never the shoes.”
“Probably hated saying something even remotely positive.”
“I’m standing right here,” she reminded me. “I know what I said. I’m amazed you know what I said. You knew they were just symbolic manifestations to help you focus your concentration.”
“I know,” I said and didn’t sound even a tiny bit grumpy. She wasn’t the boss of me. I was the boss of me! And occasionally Sinclair. And BabyJon, when he was cutting another tooth. I was starting to think the kid was part piranha. Actually, given who his biological mother was, he was. Heh.
“It’s a little scary,” Marc said. “Even for us.”
“I know! Now I won’t have to coordinate outfits to my footgear. It opens up a dizzying array of options.”
“I meant you, you adorable asshat.”
Over the Ant’s snicker, I began, “This thing where you say something nice and immediately follow with something mean is kind of—”
He ignored me, because I am cursed with terrible friends. “A month ago you couldn’t teleport anywhere. You were out-and-out stranded in Hell, thanks to the Antichrist ding-dong-ditching you.11 But now everything’s different. You’re picking this up so fast, but you’ve been a vampire for a few years now and you still lisp when your fangs come out.”
“Hey, you try speaking coherently when it feels like your mouth has suddenly filled with needles.”
“Dear God.” From the Ant, who looked revolted. “I never thought of it that way.”
“Trust me, it sucks. Sinclair told me I’d eventually—Sinclair! That’s what he meant,” I said, the thought zipping through my brain and out my mouth before I could think about it. “He saw I was leaving without them. I was all ready to go after our—uh—afternoon—um.”
Marc smirked. “Bangfest? Booty hoedown?”
“Dear God.” The Ant managed to look still more horrified, which all by itself made the whole trip worth it.
“Right, so I was dressed and ready to go and he stopped me to say something. And then he changed his mind. And when I came right back, he wasn’t surprised. I mean, he was, because—”