But part of BabyJon’s appeal, I think, was my mom’s realization that her vampire daughter was never going to have a baby of her own, that BabyJon was her one and only shot at being a grandmother. Me, I wasn’t complaining. I hadn’t thought I’d be lucky enough to get BabyJon, and I’d resigned myself to not having children of my own within a week of waking up (un)dead.
“Um.” Marc was looking at his shoes while I fumbled through an apologetic offer; no help there. “If you wanted to—uh—I wouldn’t bring BabyJon here—”
“Jesus Christ!” the Ant practically screamed, as agitated as I’d seen her since she died. “I would damned well hope not!”
Yikes! “Right, right, we’re on the same page. But, uh, if you wanted to come back with me and see him—”
“I’m dead.”
“Yeah, well, so am I. So’s Marc. It doesn’t mean you can’t—”
“I’m dead,” she said again, but gentled her tone. She was looking at her feet, too. I resisted the urge to do the same. “Let me stay dead. To him.”
“Okay. Well. If you ever change your—”
“What should I tell Cindy Tinsman?”
“Eh?”
“The girl who wasted ten minutes of my time beating around the bush before finally asking for a meeting with you if it’s not too much trouble.”
Cindy Tinsman. That sounded vaguely familiar. Marc’s eyes had gone big, so I assumed she was familiar in a negative context.
“Timid girl, about five foot two, black hair, brown eyes, sixteen, died five weeks ago, lifelong Catholic, Inver Grove Heights native,” the Ant prompted. “Neighbor? Maybe you’re friends with her parents? Or know her through your—through the first—through Dr. Taylor?”
Heh. Even after this many years, the Ant could hardly bear to say my mother’s name. Normally I’d have stuck it right to her, but she was—groan—valuable to me these days. And she’d been a real champ when her rotten daughter stuck me with Hell.
“Tinsman . . . nooo . . .” Shit.
“You might have cut off her head. About five or so weeks ago,” Marc prompted.
“You’re gonna have to narrow that— Oh. Oh! Oh.” I returned Marc’s grimace. “That Cindy Tinsman. Oh, shit.”
“Yep.”
“I’ll see her right now.”
“You will?” The Ant and Marc said this in unison, then sort of halfheartedly snarled at each other. Marc disliked my stepmother on my behalf, and she thought gays were icky.
“It’s just,” he continued, “you really wanted to try the clock—”
“Right! Right. Listen, I was gone for two weeks last time.”
The Ant nodded. Her pineapple hair didn’t move a centimeter. Hell was resistant to grotesque amounts of hair spray product, right? Wait, it was imaginary hair spray, so probably not too dangerous . . .
Focus!
“You don’t seem surprised.”
“Well, no. How would time passing on earth affect me, exactly? Why would I need to know that?”
“Okay, fair question,” I admitted. “Only, I didn’t want to be gone from the real world for two weeks. I don’t know why time has to be so screwy in Hell anyway; it’s a real pain in my ass.”
“Yes, you do know.” She said this with total confidence, like she hadn’t disparaged my intelligence many many many many many many many times over the years. So this would not be a good time to look blank.
“Yes, I do know,” I parroted. Think! The Ant was waiting, and Marc looked expectant, like he thought I could actually figure this out. That made him as big an idiot as I was. For God’s sake, I’d been gone a day and eleven thousand people had shown up! She-Wolves wanted a meeting and the cheerleader I’d beheaded was looking for me. I’d need to clone myself about a hundred times to have time for all the
time for all
time for
Oh.
“Because there’s only one of me and there’s billions of them and if time moved at regular speed here it’d be impossible for any one person to get anything done even if they’re the devil!” I shrieked in one long triumphant babble. Whew! Good thing I didn’t need to gasp for a new breath. I almost did, purely out of force of habit.
“Toldja you knew,” the Ant said, sounding more smug than usual. Because only my terrible stepmother would take credit for knowing I was smart enough to figure something out.
“Can she affect time the other way?” Marc asked her. “Can she be here for two weeks and then fix it so only a day went by back home?”