Ulysses(178)

BLOOM: Shoot him! Dog of a christian! So much for M'Intosh!

(A CANNONSHOT. THE MAN IN THE MACINTOSH DISAPPEARS. BLOOM WITH HIS SCEPTRE STRIKES DOWN POPPIES. THE INSTANTANEOUS DEATHS OF MANY POWERFUL ENEMIES, GRAZIERS, MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT, MEMBERS OF STANDING COMMITTEES, ARE REPORTED. BLOOM'S BODYGUARD DISTRIBUTE MAUNDY MONEY, COMMEMORATION MEDALS, LOAVES AND FISHES, TEMPERANCE BADGES, EXPENSIVE HENRY CLAY CIGARS, FREE COWBONES FOR SOUP, RUBBER PRESERVATIVES IN SEALED ENVELOPES TIED WITH GOLD THREAD, BUTTER SCOTCH, PINEAPPLE ROCK, billets doux IN THE FORM OF COCKED HATS, READYMADE SUITS, PORRINGERS OF TOAD IN THE HOLE, BOTTLES OF JEYES' FLUID, PURCHASE STAMPS, 40 DAYS' INDULGENCES, SPURIOUS COINS, DAIRYFED PORK SAUSAGES, THEATRE PASSES, SEASON TICKETS AVAILABLE FOR ALL TRAMLINES, COUPONS OF THE ROYAL AND PRIVILEGED HUNGARIAN LOTTERY, PENNY DINNER COUNTERS, CHEAP REPRINTS OF THE WORLD'S TWELVE WORST BOOKS: FROGGY AND FRITZ (POLITIC), CARE OF THE BABY (INFANTILIC), 50 MEALS FOR 7/6 (CULINIC), WAS JESUS A SUN MYTH? (HISTORIC), EXPEL THAT PAIN (MEDIC), INFANT'S COMPENDIUM OF THE UNIVERSE (COSMIC), LET'S ALL CHORTLE (HILARIC), CANVASSER'S VADE MECUM (JOURNALIC), LOVELETTERS OF MOTHER ASSISTANT (EROTIC), WHO'S WHO IN SPACE (ASTRIC), SONGS THAT REACHED OUR HEART (MELODIC), PENNYWISE'S WAY TO WEALTH (PARSIMONIC). A GENERAL RUSH AND SCRAMBLE. WOMEN PRESS FORWARD TO TOUCH THE HEM OF BLOOM'S ROBE. THE LADY GWENDOLEN DUBEDAT BURSTS THROUGH THE THRONG, LEAPS ON HIS HORSE AND KISSES HIM ON BOTH CHEEKS AMID GREAT ACCLAMATION. A MAGNESIUM FLASHLIGHT PHOTOGRAPH IS TAKEN. BABES AND SUCKLINGS ARE HELD UP.)

THE WOMEN: Little father! Little father!

THE BABES AND SUCKLINGS:

Clap clap hands till Poldy comes home, Cakes in his pocket for Leo alone.

(BLOOM, BENDING DOWN, POKES BABY BOARDMAN GENTLY IN THE STOMACH.)

BABY BOARDMAN: (HICCUPS, CURDLED MILK FLOWING FROM HIS MOUTH) Hajajaja.

BLOOM: (SHAKING HANDS WITH A BLIND STRIPLING) My more than Brother! (PLACING HIS ARMS ROUND THE SHOULDERS OF AN OLD COUPLE) Dear old friends! (HE PLAYS PUSSY FOURCORNERS WITH RAGGED BOYS AND GIRLS) Peep! Bopeep! (HE WHEELS TWINS IN A PERAMBULATOR) Ticktacktwo wouldyousetashoe? (HE PERFORMS JUGGLER'S TRICKS, DRAWS RED, ORANGE, YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE, INDIGO AND VIOLET SILK HANDKERCHIEFS FROM HIS MOUTH) Roygbiv. 32 feet per second. (HE CONSOLES A WIDOW) Absence makes the heart grow younger. (HE DANCES THE HIGHLAND FLING WITH GROTESQUE ANTICS) Leg it, ye devils! (HE KISSES THE BEDSORES OF A PALSIED VETERAN) Honourable wounds! (HE TRIPS UP A FIT POLICEMAN) U. p: up. U. p: up. (HE WHISPERS IN THE EAR OF A BLUSHING WAITRESS AND LAUGHS KINDLY) Ah, naughty, naughty! (HE EATS A RAW TURNIP OFFERED HIM BY MAURICE BUTTERLY, FARMER) Fine! Splendid! (HE REFUSES TO ACCEPT THREE SHILLINGS OFFERED HIM BY JOSEPH HYNES, JOURNALIST) My dear fellow, not at all! (HE GIVES HIS COAT TO A BEGGAR) Please accept. (HE TAKES





PART IN A STOMACH RACE WITH ELDERLY MALE AND


FEMALE CRIPPLES) Come on, boys! Wriggle it, girls!

THE CITIZEN: (CHOKED WITH EMOTION, BRUSHES ASIDE A TEAR IN HIS EMERALD MUFFLER) May the good God bless him!

(THE RAMS' HORNS SOUND FOR SILENCE. THE STANDARD OF ZION IS HOISTED.)

BLOOM: (UNCLOAKS IMPRESSIVELY, REVEALING OBESITY, UNROLLS A PAPER AND READS SOLEMNLY) Aleph Beth Ghimel Daleth Hagadah Tephilim Kosher Yom Kippur Hanukah Roschaschana Beni Brith Bar Mitzvah Mazzoth Askenazim Meshuggah Talith.

(AN OFFICIAL TRANSLATION IS READ BY JIMMY HENRY, ASSISTANT TOWN CLERK.)

JIMMY HENRY: The Court of Conscience is now open. His Most Catholic Majesty will now administer open air justice. Free medical and legal advice, solution of doubles and other problems. All cordially invited. Given at this our loyal city of Dublin in the year I of the Paradisiacal Era.

PADDY LEONARD: What am I to do about my rates and taxes?

BLOOM: Pay them, my friend.

PADDY LEONARD: Thank you.

NOSEY FLYNN: Can I raise a mortgage on my fire insurance?

BLOOM: (OBDURATELY) Sirs, take notice that by the law of torts you are bound over in your own recognisances for six months in the sum of five pounds.

J. J. O'MOLLOY: A Daniel did I say? Nay! A Peter O'Brien!

NOSEY FLYNN: Where do I draw the five pounds?

PISSER BURKE: For bladder trouble?

BLOOM:

ACID. NIT. HYDROCHLOR. DIL., 20 minims TINCT. NUX VOM., 5 minims EXTR. TARAXEL. IIQ., 30 minims. AQ. DIS. TER IN DIE.

CHRIS CALLINAN: What is the parallax of the subsolar ecliptic of Aldebaran?

BLOOM: Pleased to hear from you, Chris. K. II.

JOE HYNES: Why aren't you in uniform?

BLOOM: When my progenitor of sainted memory wore the uniform of the Austrian despot in a dank prison where was yours?

BEN DOLLARD: Pansies?

BLOOM: Embellish (beautify) suburban gardens.

BEN DOLLARD: When twins arrive?

BLOOM: Father (pater, dad) starts thinking.

LARRY O'ROURKE: An eightday licence for my new premises. You remember me, sir Leo, when you were in number seven. I'm sending around a dozen of stout for the missus.