Anyway, today’s entry is short, even though I still have more to say. I have to go get ready for work. Midnight shift. Yuck. But the money is really good. And if Trent says we need the money, then we must need it. He’s going to a party while I work. He says he doesn’t like spending time on his own, and his friends keep him company.
Bye Diary.
PS.: Isn’t it still funny, that after three years, and only a few entries, I feel like I’m talking to you like you’re a real person.
Bye.
December 24th 2012
Hi,
Just hi. I hate this. I’ve spent the day crying. Trent tells me to get up and stop acting like a twenty-three year old child. I lost another baby yesterday. This is my third miscarriage, and every time it just gets harder and harder.
I think the last time was from the punch in the stomach Trent gave me. He said he didn’t mean it, and if I just listened to him, he wouldn’t act so crazy. I was home late from work yesterday. It wasn’t my fault, the bus was running late, and I didn’t get home until fifteen minutes after Trent was expecting me. I walked in the door, and he was standing there with his belt in his hand and steam coming out of his ears. Not literally steam, but boy was he mad.
Whenever he has the belt out, I know I haven’t tried hard enough for him, and I’ve made him mad. He’s been really good, but last night I was late from work and he was angry. So I had to take it like a big girl. This morning I woke and the bed was covered in blood. I knew it was going to happen because when he hit my stomach, I started to hurt straight away. I’m so stupid, why didn’t I just run home? Why didn’t I do everything I could to be home? I just can’t believe how stupid I am.
When Trent woke this morning, he saw the blood and was just so good. He drew me a bath, changed the sheets and took care of me. He loves me so much. He tells me every time. It’s my fault these things happen. I just have to try harder.
Anyway, Trent said I’m allowed to stay home from work today, so I’m just lying in bed. Trent said he had to go out, and he’ll be back later. I don’t think he’s gone to get my Christmas present, because when I was putting his clothes away I found a little black box with the most beautiful diamond necklace. Although I feel terrible and have been crying, I kind of can’t wait until tomorrow morning. We’re going to Trent’s mom and dad’s house; it should be good.
Bye.
May 6th 2013
Diary,
I just read my last entry, which was just before Christmas. I know it’s been months. I’m sorry, but so many things have happened. That beautiful necklace ended up not being for me. I’m not sure who it was for. I opened the present Trent got me, and it was an electric toothbrush. He said my breath stinks, and maybe it’s the toothbrush I’ve been using. I told him I saw it in his drawer and he lost it with me. He told me I was a nosey bitch and he hit me. This was bad, this one. He hit me so hard I ended up falling and knocking myself unconscious. He took me to the hospital, and told them I fell down and that’s how I lost consciousness. When I woke, he told me that’s what happened and I mustn’t remember. At first I believed him, but then I started remembering small things and when I was finally released and got home I asked him. He told me I hit my head hard, and must be misremembering it. But I know what he did.
Anyway, he hasn’t hit me that bad again. A push here and there, and if dinner’s not on the table when he’s home by five-thirty, then I get a slap, too. I definitely deserve those ones, because he’s said what time it has to be on the table, and I try and be a good wife and do what he asks me.
It’s just because I’m stupid that I keep making these silly mistakes – that’s what Trent says.
He’s under so much pressure at school, and he’s not keeping up with the work. Sometimes I do his assignments, and those ones he does really well on.
Work is crazy, they’ve promoted me again. And they were so good to me when I lost the babies. About the miscarriages, I’m happy to report I haven’t had any more, because I haven’t gotten pregnant again. I don’t think I can go through another miscarriage. It’ll hurt too much. It’s not the physical pain I’m worried about, but I don’t think my heart will be able to cope. I barely made it last year when I lost the last baby.
I got a postcard from Shayne recently. It just said ‘We hope you’re keeping well’ and it had a picture of the Coliseum on it. I cried when I got it. I’m so happy for her and Liam, they’re living their dream and having a great time. I just hope when they get married I’ll be invited. Even if I’m not, I’ll sneak in and stay right at the back so they don’t see me, and I’ll watch them exchange vows on their perfect day. I do hope they want me there though.