Ugly(135)

“I’ve never known you, Wade. Actually, I’ve never known any of you. I lived with you, Mom and Dad, but now I know the version of you I lived with wasn’t really the people you were meant to be.”

I wipe a stray tear from beneath my eye and keep looking at the memorials. “I dream of you.” I let out a humorless chuckle. “I dream of all of you. We’re usually out having a picnic and playing. You and Dad go exploring while Mom and I sit and play in the tall wildflowers. You like playing with my hair, Mom. You’re always touching it, and braiding it.” I smile at the thoughts of my beautiful dreams.

“Wade, you and Dad go off and find things, and you’re always calling for me when you return.”

I wipe more tears away from my eyes.

“I remember some things. Like how your blond hair glowed in the sun, as if you were wearing a halo. I remember you couldn’t say the ‘L’s in my name, so you’d call me Wiwi. In my dream I love hearing your laugh, but now I know it’s not just in my dream.”

I move so I’m sitting up on my knees and start to pick the weeds from around their graves. “What happened to you, Wade, I know now it was an accident. You weren’t supposed to run out on the street, and Dad wasn’t meant to kill you. It’s no one’s fault. Not mine, not Mom’s, not Dad’s and certainly not yours.”

I take a deep breath and gather myself so I can tell them what I need to.

“My whole life I thought I was worthless. When I left you, Dad, I went to live with Trent. He turned out to be a monster. I thought I was broken before I met him. I thought I needed him to make me whole. But he ended up ruining me. Breaking my spirit, and tearing apart my soul.”

I look up to the darkening sky and watch as the clouds rapidly move in. The sky is beginning to turn gray and the sun has retired for the day.

“But I don’t blame you, Mom and Dad. I wanted to. I wanted to say it’s because of you I was caught in an abusive relationship. But I can’t. It’s not your fault. We all suffered from that day forward, and we all suffered differently. You lost your life, Wade. Mom and Dad lost their minds, and I lost myself. But now it’s time for me to move on, because out of the four of us, I’m the only one who’s still breathing and has the option to move forward. I won’t make the mistake you made, Mom and Dad. I won’t let this consume me until it finally claims me. For that, I thank you. You’ve taught me a lesson, a valuable one.”

“Lily, we’ve been here for a few hours, we need to head back,” Max says as he kneels beside me.

“Just a couple more minutes.”

He nods and kisses me on the lips. “I’ll be waiting by the car.”

I go back to looking at their plain tombstones and decide I’ll do what they never could. I’m going to honor them in death, and pay them respect as their last living family member should. “I want you to know, no matter what you did to me, I always loved you.”

I stand from the ground and brush loose grass off my legs. “Next time I return, I’m going to make sure you have decent headstones. Bye Mom, Dad, and Wade.” I blow them all a kiss. “I wish I knew all the people who died on that day.”

Turning, I head toward Max with tears streaming down my face. “You ready to go home?” Max asks as he leads me back to his car.

“I am, but I’d like to get them proper headstones, not just those small insignificant ones.”

“I can arrange that for you. And once they’re ready we can come back out if you like.”

“Thank you. I’m not sure I’d be able to handle this without you.”

“You would, because you’re the strongest person I know.” He opens my door, waits until I’m in, then he walks around the front of the car. Max gets in the car and silently sits looking at me. I think he’s checking to make sure I’m okay. After a few moments he starts the engine and we leave.

Although I’ve done nothing since last week, I’m mentally exhausted and drained. During the five-hour car ride home, I sleep the entire time.

“Wake up, Snowflake.” Max nudges me gently.

“Hmmm,” I mumble, unable to open my eyes or keep them open. Suddenly I feel weightless as I’m being carried. I put my arms around Max’s neck and nuzzle into his neck. “Thank you,” I whisper. I inhale deeply and I’m wrapped in the beautiful scent of Max.

“Shhh, I’ve got you, Snowflake,” he softly sighs. “I’ve got you.”

I know we’re in Max’s apartment, because I feel the vast difference in size between my bed and his. His mattress is firmer and his bed is the biggest bed I’ve ever laid eyes on. Although I’m fighting sleep, I’m also suddenly very awake.