“Cole!” I surge to my knees on the bed and ball my hands. “That’s not how it was!”
“I’ve never hated anyone as much as I hate you.” He bares his teeth at Trace. “Why her? She’s my goddamn life. My entire fucking world.” Cole stabs a shaky finger in my direction without moving his focus from Trace. “You know what she means to me. You could’ve had anyone. Why did you have to go after her?”
“You know why.” Trace looks at Cole with compassion in his eyes and temerity in his scowl. “You know exactly how accidental love is, especially when it comes to her. There was no premeditation. No deceptive planning. Loving her is a privilege, one I don’t deserve, but it was never a choice.”
Love isn’t a choice.
Those were my words to Trace only a couple months ago, and a sad smile pulls at my mouth.
Cole slowly blows out a breath, and his entire body seems to sag with the release of air.
“Cole.” I scoot over on the bed, making room for him. “Please, sit down.”
He toes off his shoes and lowers beside me with his back to the headboard, watching me warily.
I swivel to face him, sitting cross-legged and keeping Trace’s position at the foot of the bed in my line of sight. I need to see both of them as I talk through this.
“I need to tell you things.” I hold my hands out to Cole, palms up, and look into his eyes. “Some of it, you’re not going to like. But I need to say it, get it all out in the open.”
He doesn’t hesitate to lean toward me and slide his fingers over mine. “I’m listening.”
Trace rests a fist beneath his chin, intently focused on me. If he has a problem with Cole holding my hands, he’s keeping his jealousy reined in.
I give him a grateful look and return to Cole. “Six months ago, I started dating. My sister set me up with a guy. I didn’t know him, didn’t really care who he was. I hadn’t so much as kissed a man in three years, and I needed… I just really needed to move forward with my life. So I kissed this guy. He groped me—”
Cole’s hands clench tightly around mine, and his molars saw side to side.
“Sleeping with him was a possibil—” I squeak at another painful squeeze of his grip.
“Shit.” He relaxes his fingers around mine, adjusting his hold to stroke his thumbs over my knuckles. “Go on.”
“I was lonely, Cole.” My voice trembles, and the backs of my eyes burn. “You were dead, and I…I missed you so much. I thought, maybe, if I put myself out there again, if I spent the night with someone, I wouldn’t hurt so badly.” Tears sneak into my words, breaking up the syllables. “I started thinking I was sick, you know. Like I had an addiction to grief and heartache, because I couldn’t pull myself out of it and—”
“Danni.” Cole cups my face, lifting my chin to look at me. “I get it, baby. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t fucking breathe without you. You don’t have to explain it. I felt every mile and second that separated us, and I’m so goddamn sorry.”
“Did you…um…?” I grip his wrist and swallow. And swallow again. “Did you seek comfort…?”
“With another woman?” His eyes widen. “God, no.” Then louder. “No.”
My heart thuds wildly. “It’s been four and a half years since you…you…had sex?”
“You’re the only one.” He searches my face, his expression earnest.
Why do I suddenly feel so cold? I shouldn’t be stunned by this. Cole is unwavering in his loyalty to me. I just…I hadn’t let myself hope.
He was faithful.
And I wasn’t.
As the realization settles in my chest, my lungs work harder. My breaths become shallow, and I gulp for air.
I wasn’t faithful to him. I wasn’t faithful.
Sweat beads on my skin. Shadows blot my vision. Oh God, I can’t breathe.
Trace moves in my periphery, and his hand clutches my arm. “Danni?”
“Give her space.” Cole brushes the hair from my face. “Breathe, baby. Deep breaths.”
“I’m good.” I push him back, wheezing as I try to keep the sobs from escaping. “Just give me a minute.”
“This isn’t your fault.” Cole leans away, but doesn’t go far.
“None of this is your fault.” Trace hovers beside me, the heat of his body a comforting presence.
“I know.” I pull in a deep breath, and another. “But I feel this…this overwhelming shame, like I betrayed you. Like I’m betraying both of you.”
Cole reaches for me. “You’re not—”