The sound of his strangled breaths slams my lungs together. His shoulders fall, pulling mine down with him. His knees collide with the floor, and I lock my legs, swaying in my attempt to stay upright.
I don’t want to cry anymore, but his regret runs deep, intensifying my own. Watching him come apart is a stake in the chest. I can’t even feel my heart. It’s just a gaping hole that won’t stop bleeding.
Trace volunteered to remain upstairs, despite the reluctance burning in his eyes. Regardless, I don’t think his presence would’ve stopped me from moving toward Cole. The need to console him crashes through me, trembling my chin and coursing tears down my cheeks. By the time I reach him and slide my hands over his back, he’s shaking as violently as I am.
He twists at the waist and hooks an arm around my back, pulling me onto his lap. His embrace is fierce, squeezing me tighter, closer, until all I feel is his heart thundering against mine.
With my arms around him, I prefer to straddle him in this position, but we no longer have that level of intimacy. So I keep my knees together and pressed against his ribs as we hold each other in an iron grip.
He hasn’t released the dress. As the tulle skirt rustles around us, I wonder what he thinks about it. I don’t ask, because it doesn’t matter. He’ll never see me wear it.
“I buried your ashes on our wedding day.” My voice breaks, thick with tears.
“I know.” His breaths thrash hotly against my neck, his lips like fire as they brush my skin. “I didn’t get out of bed that day. I just…I dreamed of you in this dress and drank myself into unconsciousness.”
Knowing he was hurting along with me doesn’t bring me comfort. “I haven’t been back to your grave site since the day of the funeral. The ashes—” My eyebrows crumple together. “Were they—?”
“Just ashes. No one was cremated on my behalf.”
Unsure how to respond to that, I continue with my train of thought. “Since you didn’t have instructions on your burial or any family to speak of, you just have a cement marker in the middle of a cemetery.” My eyes burn with damp regret. “I hated the whole arrangement and didn’t want to remember that day or the image of your name engraved on that stupid block of concrete. So I never went back. I put its very existence out of my mind. Which was easy since I drowned myself in a drunken stupor for months after you died.”
“I’m so sorry.” He makes a pained noise and rocks us back and forth, as if it hurts too much to sit still.
I rest my head on his shoulder, tighten my arms around him, and savor the warm scent of his skin.
Feeling him against me is a balm for my heart. The scratch of his whiskers against my cheek, the deep sound of his breathing, and the bunching of his muscles—all of it creates a dipping sensation in my chest and thins out my tears.
My brain questions how well I actually know him, but my body recognizes the perfect way he fits against me, the tempo of his heartbeat, and compelling aura of his presence. My body knows exactly who he is, and it vibrates to reclaim him in every way.
“I agonized over the timing of my death.” He sets the dress aside and strokes a hand through my hair. “When I severed communication with you and disappeared, I didn’t trust anyone, didn’t know who my enemies were. If they learned my true identity…”
“They would’ve found me.”
“Yes. Cole Hartman had to die for reasons I can’t tell you. It should’ve happened immediately, and every day I delayed put you at risk. But I couldn’t…” He cups the back of my head, holding my cheek against his chest as he draws a shredded breath. “I put it off for months, trying to find another way. As our wedding day approached, I knew I was out of time. I couldn’t let you wait for me at the altar. I couldn’t destroy you like that.”
“So you sent your handler to my house and destroyed me with the news of your death.”
“The alternative was your death.” He leans back and frames my face in his hands. “I know I’m asking you to blindly trust me after putting you through years of hell. But Danni, I need you to believe me when I say that everything I did, every second I spent away from you, was the only way to keep you from harm.”
“There haven’t been any attacks on my life.” I shrug jerkily. “So there’s that.”
His gaze delves into mine, and he slides a hand through my hair, tucking the strands behind my ear. “You’re as beautiful as I remember. Your soft little mouth, huge gray eyes, and the way you express yourself so vividly…here…” He trails a finger around the corner of my lips. “Memories of you haunted me in the best way possible. You gave me a reason to live. You kept me alive.”