"Isn't that almost like babysitting? Since I'll be off working?"
"That's called a happy coincidence. Let's plan on it, okay?"
"Are you sure? It feels like I'm taking advantage of you."
She laughed. "You haven't changed much, have you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You worry too much about things you shouldn't. You don't think that if I had something to do, I wouldn't find someone to watch Bodhi?"
"Thank you," I said. "That'll help me out a lot."
"I'm happy to do it, and Bodhi will be thrilled. Of course, he's going to be super excited all weekend, so I'll have to deal with that. And speak of the devil, here they come."
I watched the two of them scampering toward us.
"Mom?" Bodhi asked. "Can we go to Chick-fil-A for lunch?"
"Sure," Emily answered.
I felt London tug on my sleeve. "Daddy? Can we go, too?"
"You want to go to Chick-fil-A?"
"Please?" she pleaded.
I sensed Emily waiting for an answer, but I couldn't tell whether she was happy or bothered by the idea that I might join them.
"Yeah," I said. "We can go."
Chick-fil-A was bustling. London and Bodhi ran off toward the climbing play area while Emily and I made small talk in line. After picking up our order, we called the kids over and they wolfed down their food before rushing back to the climbing area.
"I like coming here because it helps Bodhi get some of his energy out. He's been a little rambunctious ever since his dad left. His dad isn't around much and it's been hard on him."
"I'm sorry to hear that," I said.
"It is what it is. There's not much I can do about it."
"Is there a way to talk to your ex into spending more time with him?"
"I don't see how. He moved back to Australia last April. Of course, he's coming in the week after next and he'll be in town until the third or fourth week of September. Some big project or whatever, and he said he'd like to see Bodhi as much as possible. Which is great, but it'll throw Bodhi's schedule out of whack until then, and after that, I have no idea when he'll be back. I have no idea how Bodhi's going to handle his dad leaving again." She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I swore to myself that I wasn't going to be one of those women who talk nonstop about their ex."
"Sometimes it's hard not to, especially when it comes to kids."
"I know you're right, but it still gets boring. Hell, I get bored hearing myself talk about it." She folded her hands on the table in front of her. "So how about you tell me exactly what you're working on. You were completely zoned in when I saw you."
"It's a presentation for a prospective client. An attorney, and it's kind of a big deal for me. My business hasn't exactly taken off the way I wanted it to."
"I'm sure he'll love your ideas."
"How would you know that?"
"Because you're smart and creative. You always were. They're your gifts."
"I always thought you were the creative one."
"That's why we got along as well as we did." She shrugged. "Well, until the end, anyway."
"How does this painting thing work?"
"You mean as a profession? Or how did I get started?"
"Both. I knew you were passionate about painting, but you told me you thought you'd end up getting your master's and teaching somewhere."
"I just got lucky. After you and I broke up, I went a little crazy there for a while and all I did was paint. I took all the hurt and angst I was feeling and somehow got it down on various canvases. By the end, they were stacked in my parents' garage, and I had no idea what to do with all of them. I wasn't even sure any of the paintings were any good. A little while after that, I met David and life moved forward, and eventually, I heard about this festival of the arts in Greensboro. I decided on a whim to rent a booth and even before I finished setting everything up, I met a gallery owner. He examined all my work and agreed on the spot to bring in some of my work. Within a month, it had sold out."
"That's amazing," I said.
"Like I said, I was lucky."
"It's more than luck. But it makes me feel bad."
"Why?"
"Because I was the cause of all that hurt and angst. What I did to you is still one of my biggest regrets and I'm sorry."
"You already apologized for that a long time ago," she responded.
"I know. But still."
"Guilt is a wasted emotion, Russ. That's what my mom tells me, anyway. Besides, I could have probably handled it better, too."
"You handled it fine."
"If you say so. What I can say is that my career wouldn't be where it is without that experience. And my marriage wouldn't have lasted as long as it did, either. Let's just say I had to learn to forgive."
"David had an affair?"
"Not just one. Many."
"Why did you stay?"
She nodded toward Bodhi. "Because of him. David may have been a terrible husband, but he was also Bodhi's hero. Still is, I'm sure." She paused before she shook her head. "And there I go again, talking about my ex."
"It's all right."
She was quiet for a moment. "You know what the hardest thing is about being divorced? It's like I'm not even sure what it means to be a single, independent adult. I pretty much went from you to David, and now here I am, with no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. Between work and Bodhi, it's not like I have time to hang out in bars or go to parties. And frankly, that's never been my style anyway. It's just that … " I could see a trace of sadness in her expression as she searched for the right words. "It isn't the life I ever imagined. Half the time, I feel like a stranger in my own skin."
"I can't imagine what it would be like to be single."
"I don't like it. But believe me, the other option is sometimes even worse."
I nodded, unsure what to say. In time, she sighed and went on. "I'm just glad I'm able to work from home. Otherwise it would have been harder on Bodhi than it already is."
"He seems like a happy child to me."
"Most of the time, he is. But every now and then, he melts down."
"I think that's true of every child. Even London can throw a mean temper tantrum."
"Yeah?"
I told her about the previous weekend. When I finished, Emily wore an uncertain expression.
"Wait a minute. When Vivian got home, she didn't take London to the blueberry farm?" she asked.
"She said it was too hot so they went to the mall instead. London didn't seem to mind. I think she was happy because her mom was home. She's still getting used to the idea that Vivian is working while I take care of her."
"From what I can tell, you're doing a good job with her."
"I'm not so sure. Half the time, I feel like I'm faking it."
"So do I. That's normal."
"Really?"
"Of course. I love Bodhi, but it's not like I wake up excited about bringing him to the dentist or helping him clean his room or running him here and there. That's normal. It's the stuff of parenting."
"I still feel like I'm not doing enough. Yesterday and this morning, I worked and pretty much left her on her own. I mean, I was there and kept an eye on her, but it's not like I spent meaningful time with her."
"Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure she was fine. And you'll get better at the whole balance between work and parenting thing. Look at today. You successfully set up your first playdate."
That I did. "Thanks," I said. "I'll pick her up from your place as soon as I'm done."
"Sounds great."
"Of course, you're forgetting something."
"What's that?"
"You're going to need my address, aren't you? And my phone number?" She reached for her phone. "Give me your number and I'll text you the info."
I gave it to her just as the kids reached the table.
"Hi, Mom. We're done," Bodhi announced.
"Did you have fun?"
"We climbed to the top."
"I saw that. You're a great climber. And guess what? London is coming over on Monday to meet Noodle."
Both of their faces lit up. "Really? Thanks, Mom! Can she bring Mr. and Mrs. Sprinkles?"
When Emily looked to me, I raised my hands. "It's your call. But they have a travel cage."
"Why not?" Emily answered. "I'm sure Noodle will just love that."
I laughed before we said our goodbyes, and as London and I began walking to the car, I felt a twinge of unease at the thought that I'd had lunch with Emily, something I hadn't done with Vivian in a long time, and that the conversation had seemed anything but forced.
But I was probably making too much of it, wasn't I?
CHAPTER 11
And Then There Was One
Emily had told me that guilt was a wasted emotion, but I'm not so sure about that. I understood the point she was making-that it does nothing to change the past-but guilt was a tool my mom used effectively as she raised Marge and me. "Clean your plate-there are starving people in the world" was a common expression, especially when Mom served up leftover surprise, which was an accurate description of the dish. Whatever was left over in the fridge at the end of the week was either tossed together in a stew or covered with lasagna noodles and Marge and I would wonder how teriyaki beef and fettuccini chicken could possibly be paired in a way that didn't make us gag. Some other common ones-"If you really cared about this family, you'd take out the garbage," and, "Maybe one day you'll love your mom enough to sweep the back porch"-all had the effect of making my shoulders cave in and wonder how I could be such an awful child.