Guilt could kill a man-I'd never been free of the fester all my life but now it'd grown monumental.
I groaned as a lance of pain hit behind my eyes. I hadn't had headache this bad since Tess had been stolen. And I had no one to direct my rage onto but myself. This time the motherfucker who had to die for hurting her was me.
Fuck, I missed Frederick. I missed his cool-headedness, rational thinking, even his crazy ideas. He kept me sane. I hated to think how I would've coped without him in the wings. Keeping me focused, reminding me I was strong enough to ignore the needs and be a better man.
Picking up the gun, I ran my fingertips over the weighty metal, stroking the weapon that'd been used to take the lives of sadistic men. I'd fought against them. I'd ended their horror, giving the women back to their loved ones. All apart from one.
I looked over at Tess; her voice popped into my head.
"My name is Tess Snow. Not Sweetie, or Tessie, or Honey. I'm a woman only now realizing what she's capable of. I'm no one's daughter. I'm no one's girlfriend. I'm no one's possession. I belong to me, and for the first time, I know how powerful that is."
I relived the moment where Tess had returned, bowing to me in the foyer. She'd taken away all my power by giving me all of hers.
"I came back for the man I see inside the master. The man who thinks he's a monster because of his twisted desires. I came back for Q. I came back to be his esclave, but also to be his equal. I came back to be your everything."
I squinted at my palm where I'd sliced the flesh, making a blood-oath with Tess. I'd sworn to honour her, cherish her, protect her. I'd married her in my heart that very second in my office, sharing everything that I was while hiding everything I could. She'd come back to me knowing nothing of the real me. The monster.
She trusted you despite everything and look at how you repaid her!
My body stiffened. I have to fix this.
It was my duty to fix what I'd broken-not just today, but for everything I'd done and everything that'd happened.
Tess slept on, giving me space to untangle my thoughts. After the incident, I locked myself in the bathroom and spent an hour under scalding hot water, trying to expel the evil from my veins. When I'd finally had the balls to come out, she'd been asleep-curled up like a homeless kitten hugging a pillow.
I hadn't meant to fall beside her and close my eyes, but the migraine forced me into a spiral of unconsciousness, giving my imagination time to haunt me while my body healed.
"I won't! Kill me. I don't care. I won't!" Tess shuddered, her voice shattering the silence.
My muscles tensed at her outburst; she fell silent. Watching her, I drank in the slightness of her arms, the twitch of terror going through her limbs. Her body overheated, yet her teeth chattered with cold.
I couldn't stop fury bubbling in my chest. "Tess. Je veux te sauver mais je n'ai pas la moindre idée de comment le faire. Si je pouvais briser chaque horloge pour remonter le temps je le ferais si seulement je pouvais te voir sourire et être heureuse à nouveau." I want to save you but have no fucking clue how. If I could smash every clock to rewind time, I would-if only to see you smile and be happy again.
A horrible thought barrelled into me. Maybe the only way to make her happy was to let her go? Maybe I needed to stop being so fucking selfish and let her walk away-from me, my life, from every bad thing that'd happened.
My heart twisted into a painful knot.
I'm not fucking strong enough to do that.
I was cold enough to admit I would rather keep Tess, even with her soul in tatters, than let her go. And that just made me hate myself even more.
Fuck!
She thrashed suddenly, throwing her arm out, catching my chest with her sharp nails.
I hissed in a breath. A keening moan escaped her.
Goddammit, I might never have the courage to set her free-but I wouldn't sit back and let her circle further into madness.
Tucking the gun under the pillow, I scooted closer, grabbing her clammy form. She fought, but her thin arms and floppy legs were no match. My body wrapped around hers, dragging her into me.
"No. Don't hurt me. Not again. I can't take it again."
Every implore caused the ache in my chest to pound with boulder-sized guilt. I no longer had a ribcage but a gaping, vast hole that I had no fucking clue how to fix.
Even though her words weren't meant for me, they were too apt-the perfect conclusion of our fucked-up relationship.
Locking my arms, I held her close. Sliding onto my side, I tucked her back to my front, wrapping a leg around hers. Spooned and cocooned-protected by my body.