The plane's engines whirred and purred as we descended faster from clouds to earth. The islands on the horizon were now spread below us, dotted with buildings and a slash of grey runway. My engagement ring flashed with expensive rainbows as I stroked the still-warm note.
I stared at the folded piece of paper as if it only had doom to tell me. I never expected Q to write a love letter. If he hadn't wanted me to read it, why had he given it to me?
"Read it, woman. It's not going to bite you," Q muttered, still staring out the window.
Sucking in a breath, I unfolded the crinkles and smoothed it out. The sight of Q's masculine cursive made me fall in love all over again. Everything he did was flawless.
Esclave … Tess
You won't see this-just like I won't tell you certain things about me no matter how long we're married.
Fuck me. Married.
Me? I never thought I'd experience what others took for granted-until you, of course. You landed on my doorstep and stole my fucking heart the moment you fought me over the pool table. I'd never been so turned on and so utterly confused.
I tried to keep you safe from me, but I never thought I'd have to keep you safe from the bastards in my sordid life. I failed you, and I don't think I'll ever get over how much you've suffered-all because of me.
You were tortured because of me.
I could promise you the world. I could cut out my heart and present it at your feet. I could write sonnets and poems and lyrics all designed to spill my fucking guilt and remorse, but nothing will make the ache go away.
You were so strong once and now you're stronger still. You think you're broken, but I see the truth. Not only did you cut me out and force me to face my worst nightmare, but I feel as if you'll disappear at any moment.
But you won't be able to leave once you've said 'I do.' The moment you've signed and become Tess Mercer, your soul belongs to me. You'll truly be mine, and I'll own you forever. Maybe then the fear will go away.
Fuck, I truly hope so, because every day I'm going mad. Going insane with the thought of you walking out the door and leaving.
Once you're truly mine, I might find the guts to show you a little of what I've hidden all my life. I want to welcome you into my world. I want to share everything that I am. I want to teach you everything that I know.
Fuck, Tess, you don't get it. Do you understand that I'm not the one with the power-it's you. You're the one in control, and it kills me to admit it.
Will you ever forgive me? Will you ever look at me the same? Will you ever stop thinking that if you had never met me, you'd never have been taken the second time? If only I fucking sent you home when I had the chance. If only I stopped the darkness from building. If only-hindsight is a fucking bitch.
But if I had sent you away, my life would've remained the same. Empty. Lonely. So then I can't regret falling for you even though my need for you almost killed you.
So you see? Vicious circle. Around and around. I'm the cause of your pain, yet I want more of it. I'm the reason you're shattered but I want to be the one to glue you back together.
I'm such a selfish bastard.
Forgive me. Forgive my sins and I'll split open my soul and let you in.
How ironic that you think I'll leave you. How pathetic that you think you don't deserve me. The truth is, I'm petrified you'll finally see me as a monster and despise me. I'm a fucking mess.
You think I'm invincible. But I'm not. I'm weak. Weak for you and everything I taste when I'm with you.
Say yes. Please fucking say yes.
If you do, then I'll be the best master and husband the world has ever seen. I'll give you a life full of experiences and passion.
We'll finally find peace in the dark-
There was no ending, almost as if Q couldn't bear to write another word. Not even a full-stop gave closure to such a brutally exposing letter.
I'd been living a lie. A lie where I thought I only loved Q. I didn't love him. I adored him. I worshipped him. I was alive because of him.
Light and colour and effervescent joy gave me the strength to slap away my guilt and embrace what Q just showed me.
Forgive him? There was nothing to forgive. We were both victims of cause and effect-pawns in a game of happiness and loss. We had each other-we won in the end despite everything we'd been through.
"I don't need to say any vows, Q. You own my soul already." I glanced at his frozen form. "I don't need to forgive you because there's nothing, nothing, that you're guilty of. No crimes. No sins." I waited for some acknowledgement that he was listening. He remained unyielding in the chair, only a twitch of his hand signalled he'd heard.