Her quiet laughter took him by surprise. “It’s a clusterfuck for all of us, not just me.” She straightened her fingers, brushing the smattering of hair on his chest. “This is all my fault.”
“No.”
“Yes. I knew better than to bring him into the middle of us.” She kissed the dent in his chin. “I know you don’t believe it, but it’s most unfair to him. We’re happy. He’s not. Not because of me, I don’t think, just in general.”
He stared out the window above the sink at the towering firs tipped in morning silver. “I can’t think about his happiness when you’re in my arms. Honor no longer exists.” He grabbed a fistful of her hair. “All I care about is making you mine.”
Her lips tipped up on one side. “You did that years ago. All the years in between were us just getting it right.”
It wasn’t that simple. Couldn’t be that simple no matter how much he wished he could rewrite history. Yesterday had provided yet another example why not.
Cricket had met up with him a couple of hours before Jazz arrived, and she’d doled out more blow than expected. It had helped that he’d given her a down payment on what he owed—also known as two-thirds of his savings—but she’d also been surprisingly understanding about the Nick situation. And when she’d hit on him again and he’d mumbled out an explanation about Jazz, she’d backed off.
She probably thought he was an idiot. As long as she kept supplying him, he really didn’t give a shit.
Regardless, he needed to start trying to cut back. After last night, he’d proven he couldn’t be trusted when he’d done a line. Not only had he encouraged Jazz to smoke with him, he’d been high enough to think that trying Jere’s coke-on-pussy trick was a good idea. Thank God she hadn’t taken him up on the idea of trying something more adventurous.
Next time, maybe she wouldn’t turn him down. He knew all too well that he could manipulate her. She trusted him. Which meant he had to be responsible enough not to put her in another situation where she could be harmed when he was too amped to know better.
He loved her, and dammit, he needed to keep her safe. Even from himself.
Especially from himself.
Closing his eyes, he rubbed his hand between her shoulder blades. The way she cuddled against him made him feel like a hero. Too bad he wasn’t anything close. “I like the way you think.”
“I am pretty smart.”
“No arguments there.” He paused. “Do you think he’ll tell Lila?”
She sat up straighter and yet again he had cause to regret his hasty words. “I didn’t even think of her. I was more worried about—”
“Him,” Gray said softly. “Because that’s who you are. You hate hurting anyone.” When she didn’t say more, he let out another breath. “I know you cared about him. Care,” he corrected. “It’s okay. I don’t expect you to deny your feelings.”
“I’m not, at least when it comes to him. I care about him, yes, but I never loved him. We weren’t about that.” She sighed and toyed with the ends of his hair. “But you and me… God. We screwed up so badly. If we’d just been honest with each other at the beginning and pushed aside all the unimportant stuff, we could’ve been a real family by now.”
Her eyes implored him, encouraging him to open up. It was so fucking tempting. If he just told her what he was dealing with—
No. Fuck no. She’d shut down on him. She wouldn’t understand. Worse, she might try to make it into more of an issue than it really was. Maybe even bring up rehab or something crazy. He couldn’t miss time with the band.
He had it under control. Sure, it didn’t always seem that way, but he hadn’t truly tried to stop yet. He still could. It was all his choice.
“Is that what you want?” he asked.
“I’m supposed to say no, right? To pretend all I care about is the band and my music and living wild while I can.”
“You’re supposed to be honest.” Like you are? He squelched the voice in his head, letting his galloping heartbeat drown it out.
“Being in the band makes me so happy. I feel like I finally have a place that’s mine. Where I belong. But I’d give it up in a hot second for you.” She cupped his cheek. “For us.”
His fingers tightened in her hair and he closed his eyes. His suppressed confession tasted bitter on the back of his tongue, like a pill he couldn’t force down no matter how many times he tried. “We can have it all. I promise.”
“Tell Lila that.”