His eyes dimmed even more. And she realized.
What she’d thought was meticulous impassiveness was something else altogether. Bleakness.
This epiphany silenced the rest of the tirade that had been brewing inside her. His despondency dug into her chest, snatching at her heart.
Was he distraught because he had to tie himself to her? Was he feeling as hopeless as she was, sacrificing his freedom and what remained of his ambitions of pursuing what fulfilled him, for the girls’ and his kingdom’s sakes? Would being near her, to have access to his daughters, be too harsh a sentence to bear?
When she couldn’t say anything more, he exhaled. “I didn’t expect you’d welcome my proposition, but I do want you to take some time to think. Contrary to what you believe, there’s a lot to consider, practical details that you need to sort out, questions you need to ask, demands you will want to make. I regret this is unavoidable but I pledge I will comply with any measures you specify to make everything as painless as possible.”
As painless as possible.
The words ricocheted in Kassandra’s head until she felt they’d pulped her brain.
He didn’t even realize he’d already done the most painful thing he could have. Proposing marriage, for everyone’s and everything’s sake but hers.
What made it all worse was admitting she would have jumped at his proposal if there’d been any hope they could have rekindled a fraction of what they’d once had. His offer would have even been somewhat acceptable, for all other considerations, if he wasn’t as averse to her being a constant part of his life.
But with both of them feeling they’d be imprisoned for life, there was no way she could accept.
Forcing her focus back on him, now that she saw through his expressionlessness, it battered her heart to feel the gloom gripping his stance, the dejection that blasted from him.
She struggled not to sound as shredded as she felt. “Even if I believe you’d keep every word, and though I understand the need for this step, I can’t say yes. But I have an alternative. We can tell everyone we are already married but estranged, and that we decided to get back together. I would play my part for as long as you need to ‘claim’ the girls to fulfill your kingdom’s traditional requirements, solving all your problems without creating a bigger one...for both of us.”
His gaze dropped to the ground he now seemed to find so fascinating. Then without even a nod, he turned away.
Feeling him recede, she stared into nothingness, struggling to stem the bottled-up misery he’d stirred up.
The moment she heard him closing the front door with the softest thud, she broke down, let the storm overtake her.
Each time he’d gone to Kassandra, Leonid had sent away his driver and bodyguards.
The latter, fellow patriotic Zoryans who’d volunteered for the job and considered guarding him a sacred duty and ultimate honor, had always objected. There was no doubt in their minds anymore he’d become king, and his safety was no longer his personal concern, but a matter of national security and what the future of their kingdom rested on.
He’d still been adamant. He hadn’t wanted anyone to know about Kassandra and the girls until he’d resolved everything with her. As he’d gone to her tonight bent on doing.
He’d parked miles away. He still found it hard to walk, always ended up in varying levels of discomfort after being on his feet and moving for a considerable length of time. And that was exactly what he’d needed tonight. He’d needed the pain of exertion to dissipate some of the storm frying his system, the bite of cold to chill a measure of the inferno that had been raging higher every time he’d seen her.
He’d arrived at her home earlier to find the girls with only their nanny. Kassandra had picked today to swerve from her unchanging timetable to catch up on the schedule he’d disrupted.
He’d been dismayed by her absence for about ten seconds. Then the girls had come running to meet him, making him glad instead that she wasn’t there. He could have some time with them alone, savoring their unbridled eagerness for his presence without the searing upheaval of hers.
The nanny, who’d instantly recognized him from the constant media exposure he’d been suffering recently, had delightedly invited him in. Though it had been to his advantage, he’d at first been disturbed she had without consulting the lady of the house. However, his thorough research, which he subjected anyone who came near Kassandra and the twins to, had indicated she was impeccably trustworthy. Though in her case, Kassandra’s implicit trust in her would have been enough to put his mind at ease.
But besides judging someone in his exalted position to be safe, the lady must have taken one look at him with Zoya and worked out with 100 percent certainty who he really was. Yet even if she’d let him in for all the right reasons, he still needed to have an aside with her about never assuming anything, always checking first with Kassandra. He had zero tolerance when it came to the security of this household.
Only one thing had made him lenient with her. The girls’ fervent welcome. He still couldn’t believe its extent. It had been as if they’d been waiting for him all their lives. As he had been for them.
The only pursuit that had kept him sane had been monitoring their every breath, along with Kassandra’s, in those endless months after his accident. He hadn’t allowed himself to imagine, let alone hope, for anything like that. He hadn’t even tried to extrapolate his own reactions to seeing and feeling them in the flesh.
To have them respond so...miraculously to him had been beyond belief. As for his own feelings, they were...beyond description. At times, beyond endurance. From that moment they’d so unbelievably given him their trust, he’d known. He wouldn’t be able to live another day without either of them.
Tonight had been further proof the magic he’d experienced with them the night before hadn’t been a fluke. By the time they’d climbed over him and fallen asleep in perfect synchronicity, as if they shared an off switch and had telepathically agreed to flip it simultaneously, he’d been beyond enchanted and overwhelmed. Then he’d felt Kassandra’s approach. Long before he heard her garage door opening.
He’d been suddenly loath to face her, yet unable to do anything but clasp the girls and wait for her to initiate the confrontation. His heart now thundered in his chest like it had then. In tandem, his hip joint started to throb with a red-hot warning that he’d pay the price of these miles in shoes unfit for walking for days to come.
He would welcome the physical discomfort. If only it were potent enough to counter his emotional turmoil. But no amount of pain could do so.
He’d expected being near Kassandra again would be hard. Horrible, even. It wasn’t. It was unbearable. With every passing moment in her company, the corrosive longing he’d suffered since he’d pushed her out of his life had been escalating to all-consuming need.
After her initial rejection, she’d been evidently shocked at the twins’ reaction to him, and at his handling of them. She’d surrendered to the necessity of putting up with him, for her—their—daughters’ sake. But it was clear this was the extent of her concession. She wanted nothing more to do with him.
As she shouldn’t. Even if she weren’t so averse, he’d be the one to keep away. As he’d been exhausting himself trying to. Then he’d asked her to marry him.
He’d thought he’d braced himself for any response. But her horror had been so deep, so total, he’d scrambled to pledge every guarantee, offer every incentive to make the union worth her while. But it had only made things worse. Her desperation as she’d offered to lie to the whole world for as long as it took had made clear the depth of her abhorrence of him. Of anything that bound her to him, even a marriage in name only. Even if it made her a queen.
But how could he have expected any less? After the way he’d rejected and abandoned her? In the cruelest way, at the worst time?
And he’d only come back to add more injuries. He’d forced his way back into the life she’d struggled long and hard to make into an oasis of peace and stability for their daughters.
That moment she’d stepped back and told him to come into her home, into her life, he’d felt as if he’d been taken in after being out in the freezing cold forever. But that had only been an illusion. As it should be.
He didn’t want her to take him back.
But though her extreme reaction to his proposal had proved she never would accept him, even for show, she hadn’t moved on. She hadn’t found another man to bless. She hadn’t even let any near. During his painstaking surveillance, many, many men had approached her. Three had offered her everything a man could offer a woman, starting with their hearts. It pained him to admit it, but she wouldn’t have gone wrong accepting any of them.
So why hadn’t she?
Had she been so busy with work and the twins she’d had nothing left to offer, or want? Or was he responsible for her being unable to move on, for becoming defensive and distant, even with the people closest to her, when she’d been the most emotionally generous and approachable person he’d had the undeserved privilege to know?
Pushing her away after the accident, he’d known he’d hurt her. But he’d thought her pain would soon become anger, helping her get over it. Over him. He hadn’t suspected she’d linger in perpetual purgatory. Like he had.