I was happy to see Jess’s answering smile and nod of agreement.
On our way in I scanned the diner. The place was packed, especially for a late Sunday afternoon, I didn’t see a free table. I was about to suggest we order our pie to-go when Jess pointed to two newly vacated spots at the counter near the door.
“We can sit there.”
Before I could answer, she pulled me to the empty stools. The seats were pretty good, all things considered. I could see the rest of the diner from our position, but the door was to our back. Nevertheless, it was a good place to scope out any booths that might become available.
“Do you need a menu?” she asked, reaching forward to where the laminated trifold menus were kept.
“Nah. I know what I want.”
“Good. Me too.” She smiled, looking at my mouth like she was planning on having it for supper.
I cleared my throat so I wouldn’t groan. Closing my eyes, I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to remember what we were discussing in the car. This was a mistake. Images of Jess on the hood of her Mustang filled my vision, the faith in her eyes, the raw want and trust.
I meant it when I’d said I loved her type of wild and reckless. It was sweet, honest, and generous. She was a good woman, and I didn’t want her holding back or feeling like she needed to. Thus, I needed to settle on a place and soon. A place where we could be alone together, maybe for days, so we could do things right.
Admittedly, my motivations weren’t entirely honorable; I needed to satisfy the relentless hard-on between my legs, especially when her honest words were playing on repeat between my ears:
I’m trying to go slow. But, it’s not easy with you.
I really like you.
I’m thinking about you all the time.
I missed you terribly.
Being with you feels so good.
I want to be respectful of you, of your wishes.
“So, you were saying about Tina?” Jess prompted, interrupting the self-inflicted torture.
I nodded, sucked in a deep breath, and opened my eyes. I found her watching me with so much trust and admiration I almost pinched myself. This was my reality, and one day she was going to walk away.
“Tina…” I nodded, cleared my throat again.
She waited for a beat, then prompted once more, “I asked you why you stayed with her for five years if there was no love between you. Why didn’t you move on? Date someone else?”
What would have been the point? No one else was you.
I shrugged, stalling, settling on one version of the truth. “Laziness and convenience, I guess. She knew what was up from the start, that I didn’t want anything serious with her or anyone else. Like I’ve said, she wasn’t my girl.”
Jess’s lips slanted downward on one side and her eyes narrowed as they moved between mine. “So you’ve never been interested in anyone?”
“I’m interested in you.” The words slipped out, her fearless honesty encouraged my own.
“Hmm…”
“Hmm?”
“Yes. Hmm.”
“Why hmm?”
“Hmm because I feel like you’ve cheated yourself out of five years and the possibility of something great. You could have met someone, fallen in love, been loved in return. But it’s like you gave up before you even started.”
“I didn’t give up. I was biding my time.”
“For what? For who? Someone you felt suited?”
“No, not someone. For you.”
Jess’s expressive eyes widened, then she blinked. “You’ve been biding your time? For me?”
Maybe I had to work up to her level of brutal honesty, but eventually I got there. And now that I’d said the words, I sure as hell wasn’t taking them back.
“That’s right. There was no point in dating other people. No one else is you.”
Her face both fell and brightened at once, like my words made her sad and happy.
“Oh, Duane…” She sounded heartbroken and elated. “What am I going to do with you?”
Stay… I wasn’t going to say that. Asking her to stay would be taking her dreams away.
Instead I shrugged. “You could buy me pie.”
Jess stood from her stool and stepped between my legs, winding her arms around my neck. She pressed herself to me, giving me a tight hug and whispering into my ear, “You’re a siren who doesn’t sing.”
I chuckled, returning her embrace, and placed a quick kiss on her neck. I couldn’t quite swallow. My head was mixed up. What I wanted, knew, and needed didn’t align.
I wanted her to stay.
I knew she had to go.
I needed to remember every day was one day closer to the end, otherwise her leaving would be my destruction. Maybe I wasn’t being fair, encouraging her to lose control while I refused to cede control. But self-preservation required it.