Duane frowned, balled his hands into fists, and said nothing. Yet behind his frown I perceived a restlessness to contradict.
But I wasn’t finished. “Or is this is about you not trusting me? You don’t trust me. And that’s why we made love tonight. You don’t trust me to stay. ‘Just for tonight, Jessica.’ That’s what you said.”
He didn’t deny it. He just continued to watch me piece everything together.
“Admit it! The only reason you gave in tonight is because you thought I was going to leave right away. Now that I can leave, you don’t trust me to stay. You don’t trust me at all.”
“I trust you,” he countered quickly.
I ignored his statement, desperation making me say, “We are far, far from over, Duane Winston!”
“Jess,” he shook his head, looking visibly torn. “We have an expiration date. In fact, we are over. I don’t see where we go from here. You’re going to be making plans to leave. We had this trial period before the twelve months started and I’m calling it off.”
“You don’t get to call it off!” I charged forward, waving my index finger around like it was a sword.
“I am calling it off. I’m walking away because I’m not going to keep you from doing what you need to do.”
“What do I need to do?”
“Leave.”
I flinched again; my next words were accusatory, half outraged question and half statement. “You want me to leave?”
“I’m not answering that.”
“Didn’t you hear me? I’m in love with you. Why don’t you ask me to stay?” I demanded with a frustrated shout and a firm push against his chest.
“You don’t ask someone you love to give up on her dreams!”
I reeled back, my mouth falling open—wide, wide open—and I’m sure I looked a bit like an astonished owl. Two fat tears trailed down my cheeks, hot and unwieldy.
Duane gritted his teeth and looked away, his eyes focusing on a spot behind me. Shifting on his feet, refusing to make eye contact, he appeared to be regretful. He was obviously wishing back his hastily shouted admission, and that made me immeasurably sad.
Meanwhile, none of my internal organs knew what to think. They wanted to have a He loves you! He finally said it! party, but the manner of his confession and immediate withdrawal afterward made my heart hesitate to place the catering deposit.
My voice wasn’t entirely steady as I asked, “Were you ever going to admit the truth if I hadn’t pissed you off?”
“We’re not discussing this.”
“Why not?” I cringed at how needy I sounded, how lost.
I finally had his eyes again, but now they were blazing with fury. “Because you’re leaving, and we’re over, and it’s pointless. That’s why!”
“And everything has to be perfect, right? Everything has to be just right. Heaven and all the angels forbid Duane Winston ever does anything without precision and guaranteed success.”
I must’ve struck a nerve, because his gaze morphed from heated to incensed, and he advanced on me. “Fine. Fuck yeah, I love you. What do you think this is all about?”
“Well, now we’re finally getting somewhere. In case you didn’t hear me the first hundred times, I love you, too!”
He ignored me, or maybe he didn’t hear me. “I look at you and I see my future, and it is something great. But I can’t do anything about the fact that our dreams don’t align. And since I do love you, I want you to live yours.”
He’d backed me into the bed, but I held my ground, catching his arm before he could turn away. “So what about you?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Fine? Fine?! Screw fine!”
“Yes. Fine. I’ll be just fine knowing you’re somewhere in this world following your siren call.”
He was withdrawing again, so I held on to him tighter, not allowing him to turn away. “Why are you like this? Why do you insist on being so noble? Why does everything have to be defined?”
His chest rose and fell with a large breath, his eyes darting away, and I knew I was pushing him beyond his level of comfort. But I couldn’t help it.
I tried softening my voice, coaxing, “Duane, I have been nothing but honest with you. The least you can do is tell me—”
He interrupted, bringing his flashing eyes back to mine. “My father always took whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. He took my momma, us kids. He’d take and take and take. I promised myself I was never going to be like that. Because when you have a father who is a selfish bastard, who takes what he wants whenever the fuck he wants it, the last thing you want to be is without honor.”