Trusting Liam(81)

“No, I’m serious. This has to be said before we do anything else. So we’re going to go sit on your couch—on opposite ends—and I’m going to tell you everything I’ve been keeping from you. Well, except the whole Rhys thing, I’m pretty sure you understand that by now.”

As much as I wanted Kennedy underneath me in my bed, I knew I’d been waiting months for this talk and didn’t want to put it off any longer if she was ready. Once we were seated on opposite ends of the couch with her feet in my lap, she blew out a long breath like she was collecting herself, and then waited another few seconds.

“Okay,” she said. “There are three things that you need to know. First is the tattoo that Kira and I got the day before Rhys showed up.” Grabbing the collar of her shirt, she pulled it to the side to show me, as if I would have forgotten. “Kira, as you know, had been with Zane for years, and you saw what happened to her when he left her. You now know about Rhys, and sometime during the months with you, I realized that Rhys and my past with him no longer had the same control over me that they originally had. Before, that past controlled my life, but as I got deeper into my relationship with you, I got further and further from that past, and its hold. So Kira and I both felt like we were finally free from our past relationships—relationships that had completely changed us. That is what the free hearts stand for.” Kennedy laughed and shook her head. “And then my past came back into my life the next day, and you saw how that went.”

I smiled, but remained quiet as I grabbed her feet in my hands and started rubbing them. I didn’t want to interrupt her, but I wanted her to know how much I was appreciating that she was finally telling me this.

“The second is, I like being in control of my life . . . eh, well, mostly my sex life. It makes me panic when I’m not in control of kisses, touches . . . everything. Like I told you that day in your office, only you and Rhys have ever been able to make me willingly give up my control. But only Rhys has ever known why I needed that control.”

I waited somewhat patiently while Kennedy looked like she was trying to gather her thoughts. But this was something I’d wanted to know since Vegas, and knowing that I was seconds away from finding out had me almost begging her to tell me.

“This is probably going to be so jumbled and confusing, but I’ll try to make it so you understand. Before I met Rhys, I needed control for a completely different reason from when I met you. My mom is a very strong-willed person, and that’s something I’ve always admired about her. I’m just like my dad, but having a strong will was definitely the one thing I’ve taken from my mom, and I took pride in being that way. After my first real kiss I realized just how vulnerable I felt during it, and it made me really uneasy because that wasn’t the kind of person I was. So I made sure from then on that there wasn’t a way for me to feel like that again. I always took control after that. With Rhys, there was something about him that made it so easy to just let him take control. I never once had that vulnerable feeling, but I still fought him because I had been unknowingly trying to make all my relationships be just like my parents’. Do you remember I told you that I used to want what they have, and then I realized that that kind of love didn’t exist?”

I thought for a second, then nodded. “Ice cream shop.”

“Right. Rhys was what made me realize that . . . or think that. But I never understood that I’d been trying to force my relationships to be perfect until I talked to Rhys about it last night. To be honest, I always thought it was only Kira who did that. So with Rhys, losing control meant no longer controlling how our relationship went, then after him, I guess it was the same as before. I didn’t want to go back to feeling vulnerable with any guy; but then I met you, and you demanded control from the start. The second you touched me I was already completely lost in you in a way I had never been, and it absolutely terrified me. I thought it was because you were like Rhys, but Brian is actually the person who made me see the differences. Everything was easy with Rhys, but everything was terrifying with you because what I felt with you was more than I ever felt with him, and I had thought at one point that he was the last person I would ever love. So it wasn’t the similarities between you and Rhys that scared me, and it wasn’t that I didn’t stand a chance of keeping control with you. It was that I had finally found the guy I was meant to be with, and after what had happened with Rhys, I was too scared to let myself feel anything for you. Letting myself love again was the hardest and scariest thing I’ve ever done.”