Jay stood, “Get it.”
I walked to the oven, wondering how he had managed to order me to do something. Before I knew it, he was alongside me, holding the plates while I cut two pieces from the pan.
We sat opposite each other at my little two seater table. At least he seemed to be enjoying my cooking. And hungry. He looked hungry. Maybe that’s why he was inhaling my mediocre lasagna. Maybe that’s why he stopped our activities on the sofa when the timer went.
“I have a confession,” he said.
I pulled the forkful of food away from my mouth to listen. “What?”
“I, um. I don’t know how to say this.”
My skin prickled and my brow creased. This was weird. Definitely weird.
He continued. “I stopped earlier,” he gestured towards the sofa, “because I didn’t want to do anything until you knew the truth.”
I set my fork down, the food falling from it, and thought of Matt. “What are you talking about?”
He swallowed and shuffled in his seat. “I wanted you to know how much I care about you. More than care. I’m really,” he paused, “into you, and I thought it was important for you to know before we, you know.”
Shit. Now I feel like a scummy scumbag. Should I tell him I don’t want a serious relationship? Especially when I’m about thirty minutes away from having my bare skin pressed up against his?
I smiled and picked up my fork. “You had me scared there for a minute. I thought you were going to tell me you’re not who I think you are.”
He smiled back, his lips tight together. He didn’t say anything else, but picked up his fork and continued to eat. The remainder of our meal was quiet, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Matt and what he’d done to me. And how I had to tell Jay I wasn’t looking for anything serious.
14
I cleared our empty plates and sat back down opposite him, twirling the wine in my glass.
“I didn’t mean to scare you earlier,” he said grinning, “forget I said anything.”
Can’t un-hear the heard, Jay. But his words relaxed me a little, and his grin relaxed me a whole lot. How was it possible for me to have such a perfect specimen of a man in my home?
I smiled at him, “Are you ready for dessert?”
“Not quite. You seem stressed, is everything okay?”
“Yeah, fine.” Do I tell him? This is my chance. I don’t want a relationship, just say it already. “Just a bad week at work is all.”
Jay perked up, “Why, what happened?”
“My boss has it in for me and has been on my ass all week.” I took a long drink of my wine to cope with the thought of Calvin.
“What did you do?” he asked.
“I sent out a bunch of resumes. I know I haven’t been with the company long and it will look bad, but I’ve got to get out before I’m forced out,” I said.
“Why would you be forced out?” I felt like Jay was grilling me.
“Realistically? Calvin hates me because I threaten him. He’s never had a good idea, is clearly in over his head and knows I could expose him any time.”
“How?”
“I have proof, a stack of emails I printed before he had the chance to delete them, of him asking me the most basic questions.”
“So why don’t you?”
I shrugged. “I guess I’m not that kind of person.”
Jay leaned forward, his head nearly reaching my side of the table. “Give those emails to his boss on Monday.”
“Maybe.”
“No. Do it. I mean it.” The sudden forcefulness of his voice and his aggressive body language unnerved me.
“Why? Is that what you did in your last job? How did that work out for you?” I snapped.
Jay shook his head, but didn’t lean back from my side of the table. “Abbie, this isn’t about me.”
“This isn’t about an unemployed man giving me job advice? I have a mortgage to pay you know. Not everyone can swan around unconcerned about having any income.”
He leaned away, but sat and stared at me. My skin itched wherever his eyes bore into me.
“Do you even try to find a job?”
“Abbie, it’s not like that.”
“What’s it like then, Jay?” I spat his name. “What have you done? Have you taken any classes? Brushed up your skills?"
He remained silent, and I carried on my little tirade. “I mean, seriously, how hard is it to find a job in IT? Do you at least consult? Don’t you get any self satisfaction from working?”
The breath being forced through Jay’s nose was the only sound in the room. But he still didn’t say anything. I don’t know why but I couldn’t stop. I paused to let him respond, but he sat there, staring at me. I wanted to shake a reaction out of him. And I wanted to smack myself for caring, I brought him here to fuck me, not justify his existence to me. But I couldn’t help myself.