Our kiss was shorter this time, but just as passionate.
He pulled away, “Sorry Beautiful, I would love to stay, trust me.” I closed my eyes, this wasn’t happening. Couldn’t be happening. His fingers brushed over my eyebrows and alongside my eyes. “Believe me,” he said kissing my hair, “I have no choice.”
I looked away to hide my disappointment. Unfortunately I looked straight at the jeans taped to my wall and another layer of self hatred piled on me. There was no chance of me speaking without crying. And if there’s one thing I don’t do in front of a virtual stranger, it’s cry. That could wait until he left. I forced myself to look back at him and nodded my head.
He held my cheeks between his palms, “I will make this up to you, I promise. How about tomorrow?”
My eyes widened. “Tomorrow?”
“Yes, I’ll swing by here and pick you up. Noon again?”
“Um, sure.”
As the door shut behind Jay, I slapped my forehead. Sure? Three days in a row was not a sure. Three days in a row was a run fast and far away from this man who clearly wanted a relationship when I didn’t. I wanted his body, not his company.
I plunked myself down on the sofa and grabbed the remote. He’s swinging by here to pick me up? On what, his bicycle? It didn’t matter, I’d have to cancel. I think.
9
“What do you mean you cancelled on him? And by text!” Jenny shouted into the phone. Her raised voice drew my attention away from the muted movie I’d put on after Jay had left.
“It’s too much, I don’t want to lead him on. Make him think he’s in a relationship when I don’t view it that way.”
“But.”
“There’s no but Jenny. I keep telling you, I am not ready. I only went out with him for the sex.”
“And how’s that working out for you?”
“Not very well,” I huffed.
“Then you should go out with him again.”
“I don’t think I’m going to. He’s a really amazing guy, and I’d hate to hurt him in any way.”
“Listen to yourself, you just called him amazing! Why wouldn’t you want to see him? Take it slow, see where things lead. It’s not going to kill you.”
“It’s not going to kill me, but it might hurt me.”
“You can’t go through life avoiding situations that might get you hurt, you’ll miss out on the best bits of being alive!” I wish she’d drop the matter, I’m getting tired of hearing it.
“The best bits being?”
“Sex, for starters.”
“Okay, you’ve got me there. But I’m not ready for more than sex.”
“You are ready, you’re just scared is all. Go on, phone him and invite him over for dinner. That way, when the eating’s done you’re only two steps from your bedroom.”
“Are you calling my place small?” She always liked to point out how tiny it was.
“Well this time it’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
“I knew it!”
“It doesn’t matter. Your place is bijoux, and that’s fine because it’s yours, you own it all by yourself.” Her comment made me roll my eyes, even though she couldn’t see me.
“Well, I might not much longer, the mortgage payments are so hard to meet on my own.”
“Are you being serious?”
“Yes,” I said, embarrassed. I’d never admitted it to anyone else before.
“Honey, I had no idea. You should have told me, shared the stress.”
“It was fine until I lost Matt’s rent. I thought I could cover it with my new job, but bills keep piling up.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll find a way to make it work.”
“Jenny, I’m an accountant. I’ve run the numbers every which way. At first I thought I could make do by living on pasta but it’s just not fun.”
“You made the right decision kicking Matt out. We’ll figure out a way to manage your mortgage.”
“I’ve already blown through all my savings, there is no way. I’m telling you.”
“You’re so negative. There’s always a way. I’m going to talk to my friend Marla, she’s a headhunter. We’ll find you a new job.”
She was trying to be helpful, but I’d had enough of the conversation. She could try all she wanted, I couldn’t see a way out aside from selling and getting something else. Not smaller, because that would be impossible. I’d have to go for something in another part of town, and end my dream of city center living.
Of course, moving further away would mean I couldn’t walk to work, so I’d also have to buy a car. Pay for that, insurance, gas and maintenance. Which was more money I didn’t have. Perhaps I could be like Jay and take the bus.