“No, he totally could have taken her home if he wanted to. But, I think he wanted to take you home instead.”
“All the more reason to stay away from him, Holly. He feels obligated to help and protect me. He’s Jake’s friend. Of course he feels that need to help me. That’s all it was Saturday night and that’s all it was tonight in the grocery store.”
“If you say so. But I’m telling you, that boy has feelings for you. One of these days, they will all come to a head and you will both realize you love each other.”
“I don’t love him,” I throw back at her, stumbling a little on the words.
“Riiiiiiight. Avery, you’ve been fantasizing about that man for ten years. When you think about your life five, ten, or even twenty years from now, do you see him in it? And not as Jake’s friend.”
I take my time answering her question even though I already knew the answer. I can’t picture my life without Maddox in it. So I give a quiet, “Yes.”
“Well, Avery, go after your happiness. Don’t let Jake and your other brothers scare you away from what you want. And what you want is him, right? You want Maddox.”
“Yes,” I say. “But, Holly, he’s a player. He’s just like Jake. A different girl every weekend. I don’t want that. I want stability. I want respect. I want loyalty. I want trust. Maddox doesn’t even know what those things are in terms of a real relationship. I have a little girl and I need all those things for her as well as myself.”
“So, you’re willing to let him go because you’re scared he won’t be what you need? Without even really finding out and giving him the chance to be the person you are looking for?”
“You have to have him in order to let him go, Holl. I don’t have Maddox. I have a crush. And I’ll get over it.” Someday.
“It all comes down to trust for you,” she says. “You trusted Drake and he cheated. You trusted him to stand by you when you told him you were pregnant and he bolted faster than a cheetah pouncing on his prey. You trusted…what was that other guy’s name?”
“Kevin.”
“Kevin. You trusted Kevin until you found out that he had a girlfriend back home. Do you trust anyone?”
“I trust my parents. My brothers. I trust you.”
“But no other men? See, you don’t open up to anyone else because you’re so afraid of what will happen if it all comes crashing down. You’re so afraid of loving someone because you’re afraid that they’ll take that love back. Not all guys are cheaters or users. And do you know what, Avery? It might all come crashing down with Maddox,” she pauses for dramatic effect. “But what if it doesn’t?”
I’m silent for awhile. Mostly because I know she’s right and I just don’t want to say it. I sigh and finally say, “I’m scared.”
“I know, sweetie. But you have to put yourself out there and believe that someone is worth the risk. Some guys are going to let you down. Some are going to hurt you and make you cry. But, I promise you, someone out there won’t. Someone is worth that risk.”
We finish up our conversation and hang up with the promise to grab dinner soon. As always, she’s giving me so much to think about. I glance down at my little girl as she plays with her dolls and watches cartoons. I don’t want to do this alone forever. I want to share my life, my love, and my daughter with someone. It’s time to figure out how to trust again.
*****
I place Brooklyn in the stroller, load up the travel bag and sandwiches in the compartment in the bottom of the stroller, and head towards the park. This could very well be the last beautiful Saturday before fall officially settles in and the temperatures drop. The leaves are turning beautiful shades of red, orange and yellow, and I can’t help but smile at the simplicity of the great day.
I push the stroller towards the swings, lock the brakes, and release the toddler from her restraints. As I set her down on the ground, she doesn’t take off towards the swings like she normally does, she bolts towards the walking path. She’s heading towards Maddox. He has a big smile on his face and his arms stretched out towards her. She runs straight into his open arms. He picks her up and spins her around, making her giggle with joy. I smile at their exchange.
“What are you doing here?” I ask with a smile on my face.
Maddox is brushing the blond hair from Brooklyn’s face as he replies, “I was just going for a run when I saw you.”
“Push me, push me,” Brooklyn yells to Maddox as he places her back down on the ground.