I choked out a laugh and jumped on the bed so I could watch him undress. "That's funny, because I think I’m doing the exact opposite."
He slanted a brow at me and planted his hands on his hips. "What do you mean?"
I reached into my bedside table and pulled out a strip of three condoms and tossed them into the air in his direction. "I'm more pragmatic. I keep telling myself it's the lure of the forbidden fruit and if I keep them handy, just the knowledge that I could have sex with you if I wanted to will be enough to keep me from doing it."
"Looks like we were both wrong."
I nodded slowly, mouth going dry as he tugged his jeans, underwear and socks off and kicked them into the corner. "Looks that way."
He stepped toward me, his cock already stiff and ready, jutting out in front of him. I'd gotten to touch it, but I hadn't seen it last time, and now I wanted to get my fill. If this was a one-time deal, then I was going to milk it for whatever it was worth.
Before Matty McDaniels left my apartment, there would be no part of him I hadn't touched, no square inch of muscle that I hadn't licked or bit. If this was the one time I could be myself and trust that the person I was with had all their cards on the table, then I was going to make the most of it.
I scooted to the edge of the bed and swung my legs over the side until I was facing him. His abs were at my eye-level and the sight was breathtaking. Better than any sunset or ocean view. I leaned in and traced the defined muscles with my fingertip, marveling at the way his muscles quivered and jumped beneath my touch.
"I want to put my mouth on you," I whispered, embarrassed by my words, but determined not to hold back.
"Kayla-"
I didn't wait for the rest of his response, and dipped my head in to taste him. Just one lick.
I looped my arms around his hips to hold him in place, part of me still feeling like, if I let go, he'd blow away in the wind like every other good thing in my life.
But he wasn’t going anywhere.
The second my mouth touched him, he slipped his hands into my hair so gently, my eyes stung with the sweetness of it. He murmured my name under his breath and at that moment, I would've killed to be two people at once. One doing exactly what I was doing and another me to watch his face. To take a mental picture of every line of his body, every flex of every muscle as I used my mouth and tongue to love him.
I took my time, laving his length up one side and then down the other, reveling in the flex of his fingers against my scalp and the tension in his thighs when I closed my lips tighter over him. More than once he tried to pull me up.
"Enough, Kayla. You don't have to do this-"
But then I'd just suck him deeper, and he would break off on a muttered curse and tremble in my hands. This wasn't a reminder of my childhood in Wisconsin. This was painting over that terror with something beautiful.
"Am I doing okay?" I asked, risking a glance at his face.
"Better than okay. You feel..." He squeezed his eyes closed as I swooped down and sucked on the broad, smooth head gently. "It's amazing."
And I believed him, because it wasn’t long before he was arching into me, gasping my name.
“We’ve got to stop now.”
“No, I want you to. Just go ahead,” I murmured, stroking him up and down with my hand. At least I could give him this. Then maybe he wouldn’t be disappointed when… “I probably can’t anyway,” I finished lamely, unable to squeeze the rest of the words out. Apparently the day of revelations would never end.
“You can't what?" He had pulled away and even though I was staring at a random spot on his hip rather than meeting his gaze in the dim room, I could feel the weight of his stare. Hear the beginnings of comprehension in his voice. He knew what I was going to say, but it was so shocking that he hadn't admitted it to himself yet. That's how sad and pathetic it was.
I thought about leaving until I remembered we were in my apartment. Short of asking him to leave, which seemed like a real asshole thing to do since I was the one who'd all but begged him to come in, there was only one thing to do. I chomped on the bullet, closed my eyes and said the words.
"I can't have an orgasm.”
Chapter Eight
Matty
I don't know if I blinked, or made a sound, or if I even managed a nod, but whatever I did, there was no way it was anything close to what I wanted to do.
“So you should just...um, go ahead. Or whatever," she murmured miserably.
"When you say you can’t, you mean, ever?"
"Ever."
"Not even from oral?" I pulled her to her feet and forced her to meet my gaze.
She chewed on the inside of her cheek and for a second I wondered if she might start to cry, which would have killed me.