“I don’t. If you’d just give me time...”
She splayed her hand over her stomach. It was ironic. The pregnancy that had changed her life, taken away her education, and made her rely on Kevin was the one thing in the last couple of months she couldn’t regret.
She wanted this baby. She glanced at the man she wanted. The one she couldn’t have. He wanted time. He’d had plenty of that over the last couple of months. So what if he wanted more.
She shrugged. “I’m not going anywhere, Kevin.” At least not physically. Circumstances had conspired against her. But emotionally was another story.
She’d come as far as she could, reached out as far as possible. It hadn’t been enough. And now it was time to move on.
* * *
Kevin had slept alone for over thirty years and this was the first time he’d truly felt alone. Nikki hadn’t just gone to sleep in a separate room; she’d taken steps to create a life separate from his. He wasn’t a fool. Necessity had been the only thing that had brought her into his life and into his home. Given a choice, she’d still be in school. Given a choice, she wouldn’t be saddled with his child.
So he wasn’t surprised she’d planned ahead. That streak of independence and ability to survive had served her well once before. It was just one of her many traits he admired, one of the many facets of Nikki that attracted him.
Yet the very traits he admired were the ones destined to draw her away. Granted, he’d given her little choice. But she couldn’t seem to understand that keeping his distance was in her best interest.
And yet, a part of him no longer believed the rhetoric. The part that had willingly stepped into a meeting for adult children of alcoholic parents. The part that was tired of picking up after his father. The part that wanted a real life, with a job he enjoyed and a family he loved.
He stretched out on the bed. Cool air from outdoors drifted through the open window but did little to cool the fire burning inside him.
Something had to change. He had to change. And for the first time, he was completely ready.
* * *
“And you’ll keep in touch.”
Kevin watched as Nikki hugged Janine. In her voice and her gestures, he could feel her reluctance to let go. Janine was her last link to Tony and probably the one person who didn’t make her feel so alone.
“You know I will. And once we’ve had these kids, and as soon as you can travel, I expect that husband of yours to bring you all out west to visit” Janine’s gaze met his.
“I think I can handle that,” he said wryly.
Nikki turned, tears in her eyes. “You know I’m going to hold you to that promise,” she told him.
He nodded. At least that was one promise he knew he could keep.
Janine glanced at Nikki. “Can I have a word alone with Kevin?” she asked. “It’s not that you... ”
“You don’t have to explain,” Nikki said. “I’ll be in my room when you’re done. Don’t you dare leave without a last good-bye.”
When she’d walked out of the room and the sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor trailed off, Janine glanced over. “Want to sit?”
“Might as well. I always do better sitting when I’m being lectured,” he said with a grin. He hadn’t realized how much he would miss Janine until this moment. “I’m going to be lost without you telling me what to do.”
She lowered herself into one of the kitchen chairs and he sat beside her. “That is such a line. But I’ll miss you too.”
Resting his chin on his hands, he met her gaze. “You really don’t blame me, do you?”
She shook her head. “I never did. But I will blame you if you screw this marriage up. Don’t you know a good thing when you see it?” she asked.
“That’s just it. She’s too good for me.”
“You’ve got to work on your attitude. If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t stick around.”
“For one thing, she has no place else to go and for another, she can’t possibly love me.”
Janine rolled her eyes. “Is being dense a prerequisite for being male? I suppose the next thing you’re going to tell me is you don’t love her.”
He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Although he’d never put the thought into words, Janine had just forced him to look deep inside his heart.
She grabbed for his hand and clasped it tight “Life’s too short to waste a minute of it. I don’t care how old or tired that cliché is, look at me and Tony and you’ll know it’s true.”
He squeezed her hand back. “It shouldn’t have happened,” he said, thinking of Tony.