Kevin wanted to stop her. With everything in him, he wanted to call her back, to thank her.
To love her.
But glancing around the hospital room, and knowing what he had to deal with, he was better off alone. And so was she.
* * *
With shaking hands, Nikki let herself into Janine’s apartment. Her sister-in-law hadn’t taken back the key, and she’d told Nikki to make herself at home any time she needed a friend. Nikki needed so much more than that now.
Life really knew how to dump on a person, she thought. On top of being rejected by Kevin, today was the day she and Janine would go through Tony’s things. She brushed at the tears filling her eyes. She might have walked out on Kevin at the hospital, but he’d as much as thrown her out first.
If he couldn’t let her into his life, let her help him through his pain, how could she expect to reach him? Ever? Instead of doing research for Max, she should have been looking into work options once the baby was born. Because Kevin had been making himself perfectly clear.
She just hadn’t wanted to listen.
An hour later, Janine had returned and Nikki’s thoughts shifted from Kevin to her brother. “Take a look at this.” Janine walked out of the closet and held up a battered-looking high school football jacket in red and white, the old school colors.
“The things men hold onto,” Nikki said with a laugh. Tony had worn that jacket every day for three years. “Ties to their youth.”
“To look at in their old age. To show their grandchildren.” Without warning, Janine’s voice cracked and she grabbed onto the wall for support.
Nikki jumped up and ran to her friend, walking her back to the bed and easing her down until she sat on the mattress. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking.”
Janine shook her head. “It isn’t you. It’s me. It’s this. It’s life and how damn unfair it all is.” She slammed her hand down on the bed in frustration.
Nikki raised her hand, wanting to offer comfort, then dropped it to her side. There was nothing she could give to Janine that would change the fact that Tony was gone. Nothing she could offer Kevin to change his self-perception. Nothing she could offer anyone, it seemed, but herself. And she hated the useless feeling that swamped her.
Once her sister-in-law had wiped at her eyes and blown her nose, Nikki turned toward her. “Do you want to put this off for a day or so?”
“No. It’s not going to get any easier.” She crumpled a tissue in her hand. “Would you mind making me a cup of tea?” she asked.
Nikki recognized the plea for privacy. “Sure.” She placed a comforting hand on Janine’s shoulder—whether or not her touch did any good, Nikki needed to offer something to her brother’s wife. “I’ll be right out there if you need me.”
Janine nodded and Nikki headed into the other room. Making two cups of decaffeinated tea kept her busy and when the doorbell rang, she was grateful for yet another reprieve before having to face Janine’s grief and the rest of her dead brother’s things.
She glanced through the peephole. This wasn’t a reprieve but pain of another kind. She unlatched the lock and opened the door. “Hello, Kevin.”
“Nikki.” He gestured over her shoulder. “Can I come in?”
“It’s not up to me. Janine’s inside.”
“She called the station and asked if they were finished with Tony’s things. I’d stopped by to talk to O’Neill and the captain asked me to bring Tony’s things over.”
“You were at the station?” To her knowledge, he hadn’t stepped foot in the place since giving his final statement after Tony’s death.
“It’s no big deal.”
She disagreed, because much of Kevin’s present dissatisfaction with life, in Nikki’s opinion, stemmed from leaving a job he loved. One he was good at. One he’d walked away from thanks to the misguided notion that he was responsible for Tony’s death. She’d thought he wasn’t ready to deal with the past, but maybe she was wrong.
She glanced at the bag in his hand and sighed. Yet another thing for Janine to cope with. Nikki stepped back to let him pass. His masculine scent overpowered her senses, but not her reason. She hadn’t forgotten Kevin’s abrupt dismissal earlier or all it signified for their future.
Or lack of one.
“Whatever you say. Listen, Janine really isn’t up to tackling Tony’s work stuff right now. The bedroom’s full of piles of things that the Salvation Army’s supposed to pick up and she’s really hurting.”
“I don’t doubt it.” His eyes filled with compassion and emotion for Janine.