Nikki grabbed for her sister-in-law’s hand. Janine had to understand, if only because Nikki was tired and needed the strength of someone else’s understanding, at least for one night.
“No, I wouldn’t have stayed with him. But apparently I have more faith in Kevin than you do. Or at least in his feelings.” Janine sighed. “The same way you didn’t know you were pregnant despite all the obvious signs? He just hasn’t gotten in touch with his feelings. Yet”
“Ever the optimist.” Nikki marveled at her sister- in-law’s strength.
Janine smiled. “When you have another life to think of first, it’s amazing how your perception of the world changes. You’ll see.”
Nikki nodded. “I agree with you.” Her hand went to her still-flat stomach. “But it’s because of this life that I have to be realistic. And counting on Kevin for more than fatherhood won’t do either of us any good.”
“I’m going to make myself something to eat,” Janine said and rose from the bed. “You know, Nicole, you’re very much like your brother. You see things one way: your way.” She shook her head, sadness etched in her features and the dejected tilt of her head. “But what happens if that tunnel vision of yours is wrong—and you count out the very people you ought to believe in?”
Nikki narrowed her eyes. “What are you saying?”
“That as well as you knew your brother, you didn’t know him at all. Because it’s too hard to see likenesses that you don’t want to face. And he didn’t trust enough. Not in me, not in his partner...”
“Tony trusted Kevin with his life,” Nikki argued. But she was unsure if it was her brother she was defending or Kevin and his lack of faith in himself. He believed he’d failed Tony. Nikki couldn’t bear it if Janine felt the same way.
Janine shook her head. “Tony trusted Kevin as much as he trusted anyone. Unfortunately, it wasn’t saying much. He shouldn’t have left Kevin behind that night and you know it.”
Nikki nodded. If her brother had waited for his partner, he might be alive today. “But I don’t get how Tony’s behavior applies to me.”
“No, you don’t And I hope you never will.”
Nikki decided to leave Janine’s riddles alone. She was too tired to make sense of them now anyway. “What are your plans?” Nikki asked.
“I’m booked on a flight at the end of the week. I want to go home and get my bearings. Decide where I want to live before I pack my things and worry about moving them.”
“I’ll help any way I can. You know that”
“I do and I appreciate it. Most I can handle alone, but Tony’s things...” Janine’s voice cracked with emotion and she drew a deep breath before continuing. “When I get back, will you help me sort through them?”
Nikki nodded, knowing it would take the strength of two people to tackle that job and was glad she had a few weeks reprieve.
* * *
The bar music had reached its crescendo. Kevin took a sip of soda and wondered if he was getting old or if it was the scene before him he’d grown tired of. One week of hanging out in the bar, watching Nikki do her thing, was getting to him. Each night her steps grew heavier, her pace slower, her smile dimmer. And each night he had to sit on his hands while she worked, anything to prevent him from picking her up and physically hauling her out of the bar.
He dug into his pocket and came up with the small black and white printout of the sonogram depicting the baby. His baby, his and Nikki’s. His heart beat faster in his chest and a lump formed in the back of his throat. Such a tiny little thing. Minute in size but so heavy a burden. He shook his head. Not a burden, a responsibility. A commitment. One he took both seriously and willingly. Whether he could live up to it was another story.
He’d do his damndest to see he didn’t fail again. Last week at Planned Parenthood, he’d voiced his misgivings regarding Nikki’s continued employment. The doctor had informed him Nikki wasn’t sick, she was pregnant. In fact the good doctor hadn’t objected to Nikki’s job unless she sacrificed her health in any way. At the time, Kevin swore to Nicole he’d back off the waitressing issue. To himself, he’d promised he’d maintain a steady vigil and step in at the first sign of problems or distress.
No way he’d let her end up like his mother— overworked, manhandled, and dead way too young.
He glanced up. Nikki leaned against the back wall behind the bar. For support or a second’s rest, Kevin couldn’t guess. But he knew, even if Nikki didn’t, that she’d just worked her last shift.