Trouble(59)

I want all of her. In every way possible.

The morning after the tequila had worn off, I was worried things would be weird between us.

Not because of what Mia told me had happened to her … fuck, no.

That changed nothing in the way I see her, the way I want her.

The only thing that has changed is how deeply I want to bury my fist into that asshole’s face.

I thought I was pissed when I knew he’d hit her. But knowing what I know now, my anger has gone so beyond pissed there isn’t even a word for it. All I know is I want to kill a man I’ve never met, and I’d do it with absolute fucking pleasure.

The look on Mia’s face when she told me what he did and how he hurt her … it was shame. Like somehow what happened was her fault.

It made me hurt for her … for me. It’s hard to distinguish between the two now. Her pain has somehow entwined with mine.

But that’s Mia. She’s not a person you meet, then just simply walk away from.

She embeds herself so deep within you, without even meaning to, that you have no choice but to feel her. That’s what she’s done to me.

And I’m so fucking happy for it.

When I’m around her, I actually feel alive in a way I haven’t for a long time. And I’m going to spend every moment I have with her, making her see that none of what happened to her was her fault.

I’m going to make her see herself the way I see her.

Incredible. Strong. Beautiful.

So fucking beautiful.

It hurts to want her in the way I do and not be able to have her. After my brain connected with what I’d told her in that bar about myself, I was worried shitless that I might have lost her.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Mia doesn’t care about any of it – the mistakes I’ve made. She doesn’t look at me different. She doesn’t judge me.

She sees more in me.

She sees the real me. The Jordan I had long forgotten existed.

The me before the gambling, and the women … before the epic fuck-ups.

I’d spent so long believing I was a bad person. And I couldn’t see beyond that, until her.

Sometimes that’s all it takes. Just one person to turn everything on its head. Remind you of the person you were.

Mia makes me want to be the person I was before all the shit.

I know I sound like a pussy, but I don’t care.

I just want to be around Mia, and continue feeling the way I do when I’m with her.

And I’m finding that I want to be around her more often than not.

Yesterday, Mia and I went into town shopping so she could get some things she needed. This was new territory for me. I’ve never shopped with a girl. Not even Beth.

It might sound like nothing to you, but trust me, shopping with a girl was a big step for me – huge, in fact.

When she was all shopped out, we had lunch at the diner again. I could see Beth’s raised brow and curious looks the whole time we were there, but I didn’t leave her with an opportunity to quiz me.

I’m just not ready to discuss this … whatever this is.

Our day together was good, considering the big revelations of the night before. We had fun, and the subject of our pasts never came up. Mia didn’t mention anything about wanting to go and check out another potential mother from the list, and I wasn’t about to push her.

I was just happy to have her there with me.

I told crappy jokes. She laughed a lot. And yes, I might have been trying to win her over with my sparkling personality. I know that my face and body won’t simply be enough to win her affection. Mia’s going to need more from me, and I want to give that to her. Give her all of me.

When we got back to the hotel, I had chores to do, but Mia insisted on helping me. We worked together with ease.

I cooked her dinner. Granted it was only mac and cheese, but she said it was the best she’d ever tasted. After dinner, we watched a movie in the main living room with Dozer positioned as a chaperone between us.

It was hard being that close to her in the dark and not being able to do a thing. I wanted to kiss her so very fucking badly, but it just never seemed to be the right time to make a move.

I find myself looking for clues in her words and actions, but the instant I get a hint it’s gone, and I’m left wondering if I’m just looking so hard that I’m making myself see things that don’t actually exist.

I know I’m acting like a chick, analyzing shit – I’m turning into a fucking pussy. And yes, I’m fully aware of how fucking annoying I sound, but this is what she does to me. She has me tied up in all kinds of knots.

Mia is not like any girl I have ever known, and knowing what happened to her makes pursuing her all the more difficult. So I’m left with only one option – if we’re meant to happen, we will. Let nature take its course. No taking the bull by the horns for me.