Some days are hard. Some days when my mind blackens and all I want to do is hide away and eat and purge. He’s right there with me.
I’ll always be recovering from bulimia.
But now those days when I feel the urge for control and the need to hurt my body are few and far between. I can’t even remember the last time I felt that way.
I’m still seeing a therapist. When I left the center, my doctor there referred me to a therapist here in Durango – Dr. Peterson. She has been really great and has helped me work on all my issues.
I still have a long way to go when it comes to dealing with the life I lived with Oliver and Forbes, and the mental scars it left me with, but I’m getting there.
And I still have Danni. We talk regularly on the phone, and she came to visit a few months ago. She stayed for a week, which was awesome. It was great to have some time with her as I’d really missed her. Jordan took us out on a Jeep tour to the canyon. Beth and Toni came along as well. It was a really great day.
Beth and Toni are still dating. It’s getting pretty serious from what Beth says, and she told me the other day that Toni and her have been discussing moving in together.
I’m so happy for her. Beth is amazing, and we’ve grown close. It’s great to have a female friend here, especially one as fun and cool as Beth is.
She takes me out shopping and to the beauty salon. All things friends are supposed to do, but I was never allowed. It’s novel for me, even now. I don’t think I’ll ever take being able to do these things for granted.
I’ll never take my freedom for granted.
And being in the good place that I am now, settled into my new life … I think that was why Jordan felt I was ready to have my mother’s locket. He was confident it wouldn’t push me back a step. He was feeling my peace. And he was right. I can’t say it was easy to see the locket which Jim had kept of Annabelle’s.
It had hidden inside of it, a tiny picture of baby me.
Even though it pained me to see, it also gave me a sense of peace in some way to know that in her own way she had always been thinking of me.
Would I ever do what she did? No.
But it’s easier to judge when you’re on the receiving end of the hurt. And I know too well what it’s like to be with a controlling, abusive man.
I know what it was like to live with Oliver.
I sold my apartment in Boston and all the furniture in it. I never went back. Jordan handled it all for me. And I moved into the hotel with Jordan and Jim, and of course Dozer. Too soon, probably, but I spent a long time living unhappily. Jordan is my happy, so I was grabbing it with both hands.
I invested some of Oliver’s money into the hotel. Both Jim and Jordan protested – Jordan the loudest. He was having none of it at first, but it was also my mother’s hotel, and now my home.
I want it to succeed.
So after a few well timed seductions, I got my own way. Jordan finds it hard to say no to me.
The hotel is doing amazingly well. Jordan really got the business moving. The website and links he built have helped immensely. Also, he set up a business deal with Wade, and they tied the jeeps tours into the hotel. People can stay at the hotel, and the tours go from here. Using some of the money I put in, Jordan had a garage built to store the jeeps.
It’s really helped things. I’m so proud of him.
I’m proud of me too.
I left Harvard, but I haven’t left behind medicine completely. I’m just moving in a different direction. I’ve enrolled in Veterinary school to start this term. I’m hoping Dozer will let me practice my examining and bandaging skills on him. I’m sure he will; he’s pretty soft on me as I am him, much to Jordan’s annoyance.
But school is a little way off starting as it’s summer break, and today is a year to the day since Jordan and I first met.
We were supposed to be going out to dinner, but that’s off the menu now.
I have a gift for him that I can’t wait any longer to give to him.
I start to get out of bed, but Jordan catches my hand. “Where you going, babe?”
“I thought as we weren’t going to dinner now … you might want your gift?”
His eyes light up. “Well if you’re giving me mine, then I guess it’s only fair you get yours.”
My heart does a somersault in my chest. He got me a gift! Not that I thought he wouldn’t. I’ve just never received a gift in this context before – not one where there’s no pain before it.
Going to my closet, I get out the envelope containing Jordan’s gift. I put a lot of thought and effort into his gift. I think he’ll like it … I think … I’m not sure.
Shit, I’m so nervous! I’ve never given anyone a gift like this before.