“Private isn’t necessary,” I said. “You have the wrong person. We never had a relationship.”
“Where are you from?” Lula asked him.
“Des Moines.”
“I knew it,” Lula said. “He’s Mr. Dildo and Skanky Panties.”
“I’m guessing these are your friends,” he said, “so obviously they know about your problem with the head lice and toenail fungus. It’s not a big issue for me. We can find a good doctor. One who won’t molest you when he examines you. I’m sure that had to be traumatic…even if it did cure your, you know, frigid problem.”
“You gotta love Granny,” Lula said. “She should be writing books.”
“I’m confused,” he said. “Who’s Granny?”
“She’s the woman taking your panties for a test-drive,” Lula said. “You’ve been catfished.”
A red scald started at his collar and rose up his face. “Seriously? You mean, like, lied to?”
He was about five foot five inches tall, in his forties, and balding. He had a spray tan that reminded me of Gulden’s mustard, and I suspected his own shoes hid toenail fungus. He looked like he might be an okay guy if you didn’t set your expectations too high.
“Think of it as a fantasy adventure,” I said.
“Everything you wrote to me was so sincere,” he said.
“I didn’t write to you,” I told him. “Someone borrowed my picture.”
“Yeah, it was her Granny,” Lula said. “Maybe you want to meet her Granny. She’s more fun than Stephanie here anyways.”
“How old is she?” he asked Lula.
“Real old,” Lula said, “but she’s got some kick left in her. You could get a couple good dates out of her.”
His attention shifted back to me. “I’d rather date you.”
“No,” I said. “Not going to happen.”
“We put your dildo to good use, though,” Lula said. “We hit a serial killer in the head with it. Stephanie might be cat food right now if it wasn’t for that big-ass dildo.”
“Sorry you came all the way from Des Moines,” I said.
“It’s okay. This was a side trip. I’m at a dental convention in Atlantic City.”
“Are you a dentist?” Lula asked.
“I sell floss. We have three new flavors this season. I’m expecting a lot of excitement over it.”
Lula, Connie, and I didn’t exactly know where to go with that announcement so we wished him good luck and told him to stay in touch.
“You never know with people,” Lula said when he left. “Who would guess he’d have such stellar taste in dildos?”
“Stellar,” Connie said. “Where’d that word come from?”
“It’s my word of the day,” Lula said. “I’m always self-improving. I pick a word out and use it all day and then it’s mine. Today’s word is stellar.”
“When did you start doing that?” Connie asked her.
“Today,” Lula said. “This is the beginning of a new Lula. So what are you doing now?” Lula asked me. “You going home to bake another cake?”
I took the new FTA file from Connie. “One cake was enough.” I read through the file. “Jesus Sanchez. Wanted for theft of a lawn mower. Are you kidding me? If I catch him I’ll make fifty dollars. And I’m not going to catch him because by now he’s cutting grass in Guatemala.”
“I just hand them over,” Connie said. “I don’t necessarily tell you what to do with them.”
“I tell you what to do with them,” Vinnie yelled from inside his office. “Go find that asshole. Fifty bucks to you is five hundred smackers to me.”
I stuffed the file into my messenger bag. Maybe I could go to beauty school. I could be a hairdresser. It would be like making a cake only with hair. Creative, right?
“I have stuff to do this afternoon,” I said to Lula, “but I might be on the prowl for Gobbles tonight. Can I call you?”
“Yep. You can count on me.”
•••
I went home and googled beauty schools. There were two in Trenton and one in Bordentown. One of the Trenton schools I could attend part-time. That would be perfect. I went into the bathroom and looked at my hair. Shoulder length. Brown. Curly. Now that the rain had stopped it was calming down. When I was in high school I’d ironed it to get it straight.
I heard someone knocking on my door. I went to the door and looked out the security peephole. It was Morelli. He was holding a package.
“And?” I said, opening the door.