Trembling(49)

Yet.



Jason was right about one thing when he was talking to Lilith. He was all that I had. He was my lifeline. He was everything that I lived for. We'd worked so hard to try to have a normal life together. Here, in Florida, in paradise, everything was supposed to be better. It was warm here. We could walk on the beach. We could finish high school. We could be what we'd always wanted to be, two normal kids. It seemed that the world had different plans for us, however. We could run as far as we wanted. We could set up our lives to appear as normal as possible. But something lurked within both of us that made us different. We were trapped. We'd never be free of it.



In just the past few days, everything had gotten crazy. I'd been nearly raped on a beach, carried off from a parking lot, and assaulted on a couch. All of those things were bad. I wished like hell they'd never happened to me. But it was worse than that. It was worse than that because I felt like I was losing Jason.



I thought of his face when I'd told him about Mr. Sutherland. The way he'd been overtaken by anger. How single-minded he'd been as he left the apartment. And then I thought of his returning, covered in blood, staring through me in the bathroom. He hadn't looked like the Jason I'd fallen in love with. He'd looked so haunted. What had Jason done? Why had he done it?



If Jason had killed Mr. Sutherland, it wouldn't be the first time he'd taken a human life. But the first time Jason had killed a person, it had been to protect me. And he'd said, as we stood in the living room, that he'd done what he did to Sutherland because of me. How could I handle the responsibility of that? It felt like I'd murdered people myself. I hadn't pulled the trigger, but I'd been the trigger. If Jason was driven to kill because of me, then what was it that Jason was becoming? And was he becoming that because of me? What was I doing to him?



Jason was jealous. Jason was always accusing me of things I didn't do. Jason didn't trust me. And Lilith wasn't helping matters either. The two of them had been quiet for several moments before Jason had spoken. What had they done in those moments? Had Lilith kissed Jason? Had she touched him? Had she showed him her body? Had he touched her? Where had he touched her?



It was agony. I couldn't handle the thought of it. What was worse, I couldn’t believe that Jason didn't agree that Lilith needed to leave. Just a few days with Lilith around, and he was spending lots of time with her, and he was having conversations with her about our sex life? I couldn't believe it. I had a right to be jealous when he was doing that.



It was stupid for Lilith to interfere anyway. Jason and I were having great sex. Really. Not that we got to do it very much with Hallam around, but when we did, I enjoyed it. Tons. I was satisfied. Really. I guessed I'd always worried a little about . . .



Well, I didn't worry that much about it, considering I couldn't even think the words. But I'd always heard that it was harder for girls than it was for guys to do that. Especially girls my age. So, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. Sometimes, I guessed I felt a little jealous of Jason, because sometimes, when we had sex, afterwards, I felt kind of unfinished. Like I'd been building up to something, and instead I just hung there, trying to deal with the fact it was over. But I didn't know what to do about that. I didn't know how to talk to Jason about it. It seemed like we had to work so hard to find time to have sex as it was. I didn't want to create problems.



Still. I thought about the way Jason's voice had sounded when he'd asked Lilith whether or not guys had known how to please her. He'd sounded worried. Was this a big deal? If I couldn’t do it, did it make Jason feel useless?



Did Jason feel useless?



I hated Lilith. Before she'd shown up, Jason and I hadn't been fighting about this stuff. In fact, before Lilith had shown up, everything had been fine.



Sort of. The bell had shown up in my purse. That had really started everything, actually.



But wait. The bell had appeared in my purse after Lilith showed up.



Hold on. I didn't really think . . .



Truthfully, I'd been so caught up in worrying about Jason hurting Mr. Sutherland and our domestic issues that I hadn't thought much about the bell or anything else in some time. Which was pretty strange, I realized, because Mr. Sutherland had said something very important to me. He'd said that someone close to me was trying to complete an invocation. That could only mean the Satanists.



This whole time, I'd been concerned about the Sons. I'd never even considered the fact that the Satanists might not be down for the count. And actually, it made more sense, considering everything had happened to me, not Jason. The Satanists would be interested in me.



Somebody had put a bell in my bag, framing me for stealing it. And then Mr. Sutherland had been weird, but Mr. Sutherland hadn't even really been connected to any of it. So really, the only thing that had happened had been the bell. Hmm.