Jason shook his head, still staring into space. "I remember that he had a gun, and that I kicked it out of his hands. I remember that I hit him. I hit him a lot. I remember that he was bleeding. He was bleeding everywhere. I just kept hitting him."
"Is he dead?"
"I don't . . ." Jason started shaking, all over.
I looked up at Hallam. "Don't make him—"
Hallam silenced me with a look. "Pull yourself together. I taught you better than this."
Jason stood up abruptly, knocking over his chair. He advanced on Hallam. Hallam backed up. "That's right, you did, didn't you?" said Jason. "You taught me how to do this. You showed me." As he talked, he kept moving forward. Hallam kept backing away from him until he was against the counter over the kitchen sink. Jason just kept talking, angrily spitting his words into Hallam's face. "That's why you're so angry with me now, isn't it? Because you think it's your fault. You think that if you hadn't ever showed me what to do, I'd never have done any of this."
"I'm not responsible for your actions, Jason," Hallam said quietly, but he looked alarmed. "You're the only one who's responsible for what you've done."
"What I've done, huh? Because whatever it is that I've done is so dangerous to all of us?"
"Yes," said Hallam.
"Three things, Hallam," said Jason. "First of all, Sutherland's not a problem anymore. He's taken care of."
I felt a little chill run through my body. What did that mean?
"Second," Jason continued, "while you're going on about how horrible it is that I'm behaving the way I am, you seem to be forgetting one important thing. I saved your life. You remember that?"
"Jason—" Hallam sounded a little nervous.
"Remember that?"
"Yes."
"And you promised me that you'd always have my back too. Remember that?"
"Yes."
"Good," said Jason. "Third, you can't tell me where to sleep."
Jason didn't look at me as he swept out of the kitchen. I heard the door to our apartment slam. I winced.
Hallam was still standing against the counter. His face was white. I swallowed, looking at him.
"Well," I said. "That went well."
* * *
Hallam left the house pretty quickly after Jason did. He didn't say much. He just gathered his things and took off. Jason hadn't taken the car when he left, so I didn't think that he'd gone far. I was worried, but not as worried as I had been the night before. I didn't have a cell phone, so I couldn't call Jason. I ate some cereal in the kitchen, wandered around the house. I didn't know what to do. It felt like lately, all I did was worry about things. I was exhausted. I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before either.
I lay back down, finally. And within a few minutes, I went back to sleep. My sleep was dreamless. I felt like I'd been pulled into a black hole. When I woke up, I could hear voices floating down the hall from the living room. It was Lilith and Jason.
I stirred. Opened my eyes. Jason was home. I should go to him.
Then I heard my name.
"I don't know what to do about Azazel," Jason was saying. "I love her so much, but I don't know if she loves me as much as I love her."
What? I froze on my bed, unable to believe he doubted my feelings for him.
"Why don't you know?" Lilith asked.
"I don't feel like she really had a choice," Jason said. "Her entire world got destroyed. I was all she had. I don't know if she really loves me or if she's just clinging to anything she can cling to."
"You think she's clingy?"
"No," said Jason. "No, just the opposite, really. She's very independent. She wants to party all the time. She wants to protect herself. Wanting to go shooting and all of that. It's like she's trying to make sure she doesn't need me. Like she's preparing to leave or something."
No! It wasn't that at all. It was that I didn't want to slow Jason down. I didn't want him to become hurt because he had to protect me. Why did Jason doubt me? Had I ever given him cause?
"The partying bothers you, huh?" asked Lilith.
"No, not really," said Jason. "I understand that she wants to have fun."
"I always felt like Zaza was a powderkeg," said Lilith. "Back in Bramford, I got the impression that the only thing holding her back was Toby and her family. If she could have let loose then, I think she would have. Big time."
That wasn't true. I wasn't a powderkeg.
"So, it's good that she's doing it now, then," said Jason. "She's free."