Trembling(40)

"You worried about what?" I demanded.



"But you haven't changed," he said. "And right in our house."



"I haven't changed?" I repeated, my voice steadily rising. "What the hell?"



"I don't believe you, Azazel," Jason said quietly. "You have no idea what you mean to me. If I meant half as much to you as you do to me—"



"What is your problem, Jason? Why are you leaping to conclusions? And how could you throw Toby in my face like that?"



"You cheated on him with me," said Jason.



"But he had been cheating on me for four years before that," I said.



"But you didn't know that when you kissed me," he said. "And you said you loved him. You told me you loved him so many times. So many times that I almost believed it. I didn't think I had a chance."



"Oh my God, Jason, how can you possibly think that about me?"



"You have a pattern. You find your next boyfriend before you've dumped the other one. Well, I'm not going to give you the pleasure of dumping me, because I'm going to beat you to it. It's over, Azazel."



What?!



"You idiot!" I growled. "You stupid, stupid, idiotic bastard. How dare you say I have a pattern? I don't have a pattern. And if you were so worried about this, why didn't you tell me you were worried? How could you have such a low opinion of me that you would think that I would do anything behind your back? You said that I didn't know you, but you clearly don't know me. And how dare you even think about breaking up with me?"



"Stop it," said Jason. "I just caught you—"



"You caught shit!" I screamed. "Fuck you!" And I was so angry that I slammed the door in his face.



I stood there fuming for several seconds. I could not believe that Jason thought such horrible things about me. And that he'd thought them for so long. He'd been waiting for me to be unfaithful to him, something he apparently thought I was capable of doing at any time for any reason. And I loved Jason more than I loved myself. I loved Jason more than life. I didn't want to imagine a world where Jason didn't exist. I was devoted to him, body, soul, and mind. And he thought—



Wait. I loved him.



I opened the door.



Jason was still standing there, but he looked a little bewildered.



"Listen," he said. "You and Jude were lying together in bed—"



"Jude is gay!" I yelled. "Do I have to say it a thousand million times?"



"Bullshit, he's gay," Jason shouted. "I see the way he looks at you. That guy is about as gay as the Rock."



"He likes Britney Spears. And he paints his fingernails!"



"So?" said Jason.



"So, he's gay."



Jason shook his head.



"Oh, fine, whatever," I said. "The point is, nothing happened. Nothing happened at all. And if you'd shut up for a second and stop thinking stupid, horrible, unfounded things about me, I'd explain to you why he was even here in the first place."



Jason pursed his lips. "Nothing happened?" he asked.



"Nothing at all. He's gay!"



Jason ran a hand through his hair. "I just thought—"



"I know what you thought. You made that abundantly clear."



"Well, it's not like I don't have reason, Azazel," he said. "You have to admit that."



"Because of Toby?"



"Yeah."



"Toby is dead, Jason. How long do we have to live under the specter of Toby? And I never felt even a thousandth of the things I feel for you for Toby. I worship you, you dumbfuck. I can't live without you." I bit out the last words and folded my arms over my chest.



Jason hung his head. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. He turned to walk away.



"Where are you going?" I shrieked. "Mr. Sutherland tried to rape me!"



Jason whirled, his eyes wide. "What?" he said. And there was an edge to his voice. A tinge of threat that terrified me.





Chapter Eight

aird92 (08:12:45): what the hell is going on? do u have anything to do with what happened to her?



michaela666 (08:13:08): What happened?



aird92 (08:13:22): sutherland. is he on our payroll or not?



michaela666 (08:14:02): Oh, no. Don't tell me that he did something.



aird92 (08:14:12): i thought he was under control. u said that he wouldnt mess everything up. or is this part of some plan u havent told me about?



michaela666 (08:14:37): I should have known that bastard couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Dammit! Tell me everything.

By the time Hallam got home, I was nearly frantic. Lilith had a cell phone, and she had Jason's number. We'd called it fifty times, but Jason wasn't picking up. Every time we called, it just went to voicemail. We left messages, each one more desperate, but it didn't seem to make any difference.